You may have spent your Valentine's Day evening lightheartedly sipping champagne and nibbling heart-shaped chocolate candies straight from your lover's fingers.
I spent mine getting dissed by Michael Jackson as Dr. Drew Pinsky and Johnnie Cochran looked idly on.
As soon as Shmuley Boteach (the "Kosher Sex" rabbi) revved up his already rapid patter to introduce his good buddy Michael at the launch of their new foundation, Heal the Kids, at Carnegie Hall Wednesday night, the supersparse crowd went wild.
If anyone else in the audience was squirming as Boteach hailed Jackson, once accused of child molestation, for his deep loooove for children, you'd never know it.
"Where the rest of us see children as a source of pressure, he sees them as a source of pleasure," Boteach proclaimed.
And when Jackson, clad in a black suit over a white shirt and sequined sweater, his hair covering what's left of his face, actually strolled out onstage, the crowd leaped to its feet, screaming "We love you, Michael."
To which Michael, covering the hair covering his face with his hands, peeked out and coyly replied, "I love you, too."
The exclamations continued as Michael read his five-minute speech from the fly swatters, mispronouncing the occasional word and giving particular emphasis to the phrase "an organ of flesh and blood."
"With two children of my own, I know a lot about the challenges of balancing family and career," he announced. (Did I mention that MJ was officially introducing a seminar on "Love, Work and Parenting: Can you be a success in the bedroom, the boardroom and the family room?")
"And let's not even talk about finding a date for myself," he read.
And the crowd was again on its feet, waving roses and posters. Someone threw an article of clothing onto the stage. "Pick me," shouted more than one person as Jackson again placed his hands over his face to indicate shyness and retreated -- briefly -- from the mic.
"I love you, too," he said again.
Then, with panelists Pinsky and Cochran sitting quietly in the background like human scenery, Michael let me have it.
"Even though Rabbi Shmuley says he's going to find me the perfect girl. My response is ..."
Pause. Shrieks. Declarations of love.
"As long it's not a journalist."
Thanks, Michael. I love you, too.
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So many bunnies ...
"I'm up for it, though."
-- Viagra lover Hugh Hefner on the sexual challenges of dating seven women at once.
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Looks like Jennifer Lopez has a knack for picking arrest-prone men. The Toronto Sun reports that J.Lo's head of security was nabbed at Toronto's Pearson airport on Sunday after customs officials discovered marijuana and hashish in his socks. Lopez and her entourage of seven, who were flying from New York to Toronto, were detained for about an hour while their private Lear jet was searched, but the J.Lo bodyguard himself was not charged. "It is up to an officer's discretion on whether to lay charges," Sgt. Larry Foy told the paper. "It was a very small quantity." Yeah, but talk about skunkweed.
Are you ready for Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise to drag each other through the dirt? Everyone else is. The latest scuttlebutt is that a) the couple didn't have a prenup that covered the years after they married, b) Cruise moved quickly from separation to divorce because he wanted to halt Kidman's possible claims for alimony, c) Kidman was "devastated" by Cruise's speed and d) Cruise may turn to scary private investigator Anthony Pellicano for help with his divorce case. "Just prepare for the cannons," a friend of Kidman's warns People magazine. "This is going to get ugly." We're waiting ...
If you'd been hoping to score the ivory-colored bikini Ursula Andress wore in "Dr. No" at auction this week, you're too late. The swimsuit was snapped up Wednesday by Planet Hollywood co-founder Robert Earl, who plunked down more than $60,000 for it. Earl, who plans to display the suit in his restaurant chain's New York City outpost, was moved to exclaim, "This is the most important piece of memorabilia ever sold at auction!" Yeah, and Planet Hollywood is the hippest restaurant in town.
Newly available: Pamela Anderson. According to Mr. Showbiz, the erstwhile Mrs. Tommy Lee has ditched her boyfriend, Swedish model Marcus Schenkenberg. Animal-loving Anderson reportedly fell for Schenkenberg last summer, when he saved a bird from a Monaco toilet. Who would have thought that, less than a year later, their deep and meaningful relationship would go right down the tubes?
No longer available: William Shatner. The recently widowed "Star Trek" actor made a fourth wife of Elizabeth J. Martin in Lebanon, Ind., on Tuesday, according to the Indianapolis Star. "It's absolutely true," Martin's sister, Gayle Anderson, told the paper. "That's all we're saying." Best of luck to the new Mrs. Shatner as she boldly goes where only three other women have gone before.
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Miss something? Read yesterday's Nothing Personal.