Gag me with a Grammy

The night's best quips: Sometimes a brief flash of wit lit up an otherwise grueling show, sometimes not.

Published February 22, 2001 8:00PM (EST)

Slick and polished? Yes. Controversial? Well, maybe. Humorous? Not really.

The funniest thing about this year's Grammy Awards was the commercials -- unless, of course, you count Gloria Estefan's shirt, Toni Braxton's naked attempt to pull a Jennifer Lopez, Faith Hill's possible loss of a button, that orb Christina Aguilera floated in on (at least while she was grabbing onto it for dear life, she couldn't do that weird hand-flailing thing she does) and Steely Dan's incredibly underwhelming acceptance speech. (Eminem wuz robbed.)

But here -- without further ado -- are the most quotable lines of the evening, most of them from host Jon Stewart, since he was pretty much the only one who was allowed to talk.

On the red carpet:

"I got a big ... (ahem) ... never mind."

-- Kid Rock on size matters

"We're here just to see celebrities. I just saw Tony Bennett!"

-- Rob Thomas of Matchbox 20

"Every once in a while you've gotta write a dirty song. The feeling just comes over you."

-- One of the guys from Steely Dan

"I just tripped over a blue guy."

-- Tony Danza on Blue Man Group (literally)

"I mean, I have fake hair and I have a lot of makeup on, but underneath all that there's a human being."

-- Gwen Stefani of No Doubt on the human within

"I'm just happy to be alive!"

-- Anthony Kiedis of the Red Hot Chili Peppers

On the show:

"As I was watching Madonna writhing around on the hood of the car all I could think was, 'That's really gonna drive up her insurance premiums.'"

"Sean Puffy Combs cannot be here tonight. He's standing trial in New York City. We don't know whether or not he'll be convicted. But I'm sure Sean would like everyone to know that it's an honor just to be indicted."

"I don't know what all the controversy is about, quite frankly. I've met Eminem. I met him backstage and he is really gay -- I mean, just about the gayest guy you'd ever meet."

"There are some dangerous lyrics out there. And if there are any kids watching, I want to tell you tonight, 'No matter what it says in the song, Saturday night is not all right for fighting. It's really not.'"

-- Jon Stewart, in his intro

"We're in a sports arena and comedy is hard. But you know what does work at a sports arena? Free T-shirts!

"By the way, if you win, just stay in your seat. We'll get the Grammy to you."

-- Ray Romano from "Everyone Loves Raymond" and Kevin James from "King of Queens," who shot T-shirts into the audience with a big air gun

"Apparently Ray Romano was just caught giving his limo driver $50,000 to say the T-shirt gun was his."

-- Jon Stewart

"I was inspired by very beautiful women. I'm moved by beautiful women. As a matter of fact, right now I'm moving a little bit, so maybe I should step back."

-- Sisqo on "The Thong Song" and his co-presenter, Mya

"Speechless. We are speechless."

-- Jimmy Smits and "R&B star" Joe on Toni Braxton's jockstrap-like dress.

"I want to thank everybody who could look past the controversy and whatever and see the album for what it was and also for what it isn't."

-- Eminem on winning for best rap album

"After doing the duet with Elton John, I hear he's agreed to go to the bathroom with George Michael."

-- Jon Stewart on Eminem's growth

"It's very exciting to be here tonight with all these musicians that I love so much and that I have downloaded for free for so long."

-- Jon Stewart

"I think I should do your show. I think I should do 'Dharma and Meg.'"

-- Melissa Etheridge to Jenna Elfman

"You're much smaller in real life. I would like to thank God and my mother also. But I just have this feeling, this picture in my head of God looking down on people like us on occasions like this and going, 'Uh-oh. Don't thank me for that song. There's no hook, the chorus is weak and they'll never play it on the radio.' Thanks for playing it on the radio."

-- U2's Bono, accepting the award for best rock performance by a duo or group

"On a personal level, this century has been going so well for us. We finished our album. I had a little baby boy a little while ago. The Jubilee 2000 work has been incredible. Just everything's going great. There's been also some really great breakthroughs in science. The disposable mobile phone's come through, the three-blade razor and now the female orgasmatron, which is great."

-- The Edge, accepting U2's award for song of the year for "Beautiful Day"

"I'm just blown away by the fact that the Edge talked. Did you know he could talk?"

-- Jon Stewart

"I saw Blue Man Group without makeup on, and I was amazed. It's the guys from Kiss!"

-- Jon Stewart

"The great Carlos Santana and I are really representing all the other teen acts tonight."

-- Joni Mitchell

"It's a very unusual emotion I'm feeling right now. I think it's called humility. I'm completely not used to it."

-- Bono, accepting the award for record of the year for "Beautiful Day"

"That kind of guy makes you long for the old days of Soy Bomb. At least be creative and take some clothes off, for chrissake."

-- Jon Stewart, after a guy ran up onstage, shook his hand and said something about "Magic FM"

"It's very good to see a boxer getting into music, since so many musicians are getting into fistfights."

-- Jon Stewart on boxer Oscar de la Hoya's Grammy nomination

"We haven't gotten freedom for Leonard Peltier yet. Maybe he's not Marc Rich enough."

-- Robbie Robertson, presenting the first Grammy for Native American music

"Oh, come on. I'm old enough to be that boy's ... lover."

-- Dolly Parton on Brad Paisley

By Amy Reiter

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