Top 10 reasons to welcome global Temperature Enhancement

What's with all the whining about Bush's visionary decision on carbon dioxide emissions? Give the man credit for bringing us a brighter, warmer tomorrow!

By Chris Colin
March 16, 2001 1:00AM (UTC)
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So-called environmentalists (what is that?) are upset that President Bush has reversed his position on regulating carbon dioxide emissions from power plants. These "people" act as though reversing is somehow negative. Ever seen a car?? Those things reverse all the time. And VCRs? Major reversers. In this great nation, where carbon dioxide is not officially bad for us, officially, sometimes we must go backward in order to go forward.

Carbon dioxide is the principal heat-trapping gas scientists think to be responsible for global warming. These handwringing scientists, who some experts believe spend all their time staring at beakers and dusting their pocket protectors, routinely disregard the virtues of a warmer globe. Since our president is tied up with boring questions about his "broken promise" and "absolute lack of integrity," it falls on Salon's shoulders to explain precisely why carbon dioxide is the Bridge to Tomorrow's Future.

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1. Tropical fish. They love it when it's hot. They happily swim back and forth in the prettiest of colors. Without global warming -- and let's call it what it really is: Temperature Enhancement -- these fishes, or "fish," would surely perish.

2. Icebergs. These floating guillotines have been menacing ships, not to mention certain species of whale, for centuries. The wise Albert Einstein might well have referred to them as the "most brutal threat to our well-being since the dino-saurs." Still not convinced of the danger these frigid monoliths present? Ask Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet.

3. Blankets. These malodorous relics of our ugly past clog our hall closets and get tangled up at the bottom of the bed. Temperature Enhancement will finally render these eyesores obsolete.

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4. Hot chocolate. It'll already be hot! With all the time saved, our nation will be able to dedicate itself to appreciating the coal and utility industries, which helped ensure that our precious carbon dioxide supply wouldn't be threatened.

5. Ice-skating. Ice skaters are gay. Look at their outfits, with the fringes or whatever. Once the rinks melt, morality will again prosper.

6. The bleeding heart liberal elite. Most of them live on either the East or the West Coast. Once the flooding begins, they'll be washed out to sea. They probably never even learned to swim, since they most certainly spent their childhoods petting kittens, hugging trees or ice-skating.

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7. Cold, clammy hands. Nobody likes them. They make us think the person is dead. If they're not dead, why the cold, clammy hands? When they touch us, we get this weird feeling. Temperature Enhancement will bring all hands a healthy, rugged warmth, and the weird feeling will go away.

8. Lava. Most of us never get to see it. Scientists have been unable to confirm this, but a warmer planet probably produces more lava. Children, in particular, will enjoy seeing lava. President Bush has said on many occasions that children are a priority.

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9. Encephalitis. This and other "diseases" (notice the negative connotation this word has acquired under years of liberal government) will thrive in the improved climate. It takes a lot of pharmaceutical companies to handle this kind of Opportunity Event.

10. Vice President Cheney. He's freezing! He huddles in the corner with blankets (see No. 3), and cries himself to sleep each night. That's how cold he is. How is he supposed to lead our country if he can't stop shivering? Don't even ask about his hands (see No. 7).


Chris Colin

Chris Colin is the author most recently of "Blindsight," published by the Atavist.

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