Revenge of the nerds

Autograph collectors get back at nonsigning celebrities; Gene Simmons resorts to nude resorts. Plus: "Riverdance" runs dry; Sarah Jessica Parker gets mad; Brad and Jennifer get manse.

Published July 31, 2001 4:07PM (EDT)

It's that time of year when pen-wielding celebrity hounds exact their annual revenge. For the 10th year in a row, Autograph Collector magazine has gotten even with recalcitrant celebrities the only way it knows how: by publishing its yearly list of the 10 worst signers.


Tobey Maguire has been labeled the "worst of the worst" for his "absolute unwillingness" to sign. "The new Spiderman is so wrapped up in his own egotistical web that he has earned the distinction of being the worst signer of the year," gripes the magazine, offering the Tobe-ster no lenience for his trademark "polite" refusal line: "No, thank you."

Right behind Maguire are Cameron Diaz ("Ever since 'There's Something About Mary' came out, there's been something about Cameron's signing habits - they've disappeared!"), Edward Norton ("Not only does he not sign, he's just flat-out mean about it!"), Britney Spears ("She travels with a huge bodyguard who literally tosses people aside if they try to get close to her") and Winona Ryder ("She still likes to use the excuse that she only signs for children. Oh, Winona ... puh-lease!").

What's more, complain the collectors, Christy Turlington is "another Edward Norton" and Catherine Zeta-Jones' refusal to sign has apparently rubbed off on her husband, Michael Douglas, who "won't sign when he accompanies her to events."

And poor Katie Holmes gets nailed with a personal attack along with her dishonorable mention. "This girl is just weird," whine the collectors. "When she's at events, she usually hides out in corners or scurries away from collectors like a scared rabbit. The last time I checked, collectors weren't biting celebrities."

Well, maybe just this one time each year.

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The anti-Tobey

"I love to chat and entertain. I'm probably the only celebrity where fans say to me, 'I've got to go.'"

-- Caroline Rhea, who will take over Rosie O'Donnell's daytime talk time slot, on her lifetime love of blab, in the New York Post.

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Tuxedo not required

Regular readers of this column know Kiss frontman Gene Simmons is a sucker for big breasts. So it comes as only a slight surprise that he's agreed to emcee the Nudes-A-Poppin' Festival at an Indiana nudist resort.

According to Wireless Flash News, come Aug. 19, Simmons will hand out awards to "Ms. Nude North America," "Ms. Nude Entertainer" and "Mr. Go-Go Dancer." He'll also hand out a 6-foot-tall trophy for "Best Nude Dancer."

Whether Simmons himself will doff his duds for the festivities is not yet known.

And he thought he felt naked without his makeup on ...

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Red-light special

"We're going to stick with the family value kind of thing until the ratings dip, and then we're going to bring a lot of hookers on."

-- Jim Belushi, on playing a dad on his new ABC sitcom "According to Jim," speaking before critics at the network TV press tour.

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Juicy bits

The "Riverdance" has trickled to an end. The Feet of Flames have been extinguished. The Lord of the Dance has ditched his throne. Michael Flatley, the Irish-American step dancer whom an alarming number of people across the globe paid to see energetically clomp around onstage, says he's retiring from the touring life. "I think after seven years at the top and having such a successful world tour and U.S. tour he has decided to go out at the top," his spokeswoman told the press. Then again, he might still have a few dancin' tricks up his frilly sleeve. "He is scheduled to start work on a movie in the U.K. soon," his spokeswoman said. Clomp!

A sure way to piss off Sarah Jessica Parker? Report that she and her "Sex and the City" costars do not get along. "It was horrible to wake up after working 20-hour days, as we all do, and have to read such nonsense," Parker told gossip veteran Liz Smith, addressing a recent New York Daily News report of strife on the set. Even though the show's cast members don't spend much time together off the set, Parker says, "Kim, Cynthia, Kristin and I are all friends, personally and professionally, and I know we will go on being friends forever after." Anyone want to sign her yearbook?

House proud: Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. The newlyweds have reportedly just purchased a $13.5 million Beverly Hills mansion. According to the Los Angeles Times, the 12,000-square-foot, six-bedroom home was built in the 1930s for Academy Award-winning actor Fredric March ("Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde," "The Best Years of Our Lives") and comes complete with tennis court, screening room, rotunda foyer and wine cellar. Sounds almost as big as those apartments on "Friends."

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Miss something? Read yesterday's Nothing Personal.

By Amy Reiter

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