It's your most twisted dream come true.
Erstwhile Olympic nasty Tonya Harding and Long Island Lolita Amy Fisher in a ring, duking it out for all they're worth.
Then, if that weren't deliciously perverse enough, Danny "Partridge Family" Bonaduce and Barry "Brady Bunch" Williams will emerge from their corners, meet in the middle and do their best to batter each other silly.
It's reality, it's on Fox and it's called "Celebrity Boxing."
"This is legitimate. We'll have a real referee, a real doctor, real announcers. To all the world, this will be a real boxing match," Fox VP Mike Darnell told New York Newsday. "Every participant is voluntary, and it isn't exploitative."
But don't go screaming for blood too loudly. Darnell says all the contestants will be given protective headgear and extra-padded boxing gloves to buffer the blows.
"No one's going to get hurt," Darnell says, "and you've got people evenly matched."
Unless, of course, Fisher brings her gun.
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Make love, not promises
"Something a lot simpler than sex. Pop or candy, or something like that."
-- "40 Days and 40 Nights" star Josh Hartnett on what he'd give up for Lent, in USA Today.
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Call her crazy
Sticks and stones may break Angelina Jolie's bones, but being called "crazy" will never hurt her. In fact, she rather likes it.
"I've often wished that I was crazy," Jolie said in a recent TV interview. "I think all actors are fascinated with the idea."
Or maybe just the crazy ones.
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No, Rosie, that'd be crazy
"They're saying I'm not gay enough. They say I lied because I said I love Tom Cruise. I do love Tom Cruise. What do I have to do, have sex with Angelina Jolie on TV?"
-- Rosie O'Donnell, lashing out at people who quibble with her coming-out technique at a benefit for ovarian cancer in New York on Monday night.
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Smells Like Linkin Park
Anyone out there who was maybe a little surprised that Linkin Park took the best hard rock Grammy on Wednesday night should know this: They were apparently a little surprised, too.
All that biggest-selling album stuff was a big mistake, band member Brad Tolson quipped in a postshow interview with the New York Daily News.
"It was biggest-smelling album," Tolson said. "It was a typo."
Sniff-sniff ...
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Another pair of Blahniks, please
"Kaching!"
-- Sarah Jessica Parker on the sound she loves most, on Bravo's "Inside the Actor's Studio," in a segment airing this Sunday night, March 3.
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Speaking of favorite sounds ...
Jennifer Lopez has been hearing a lot of this lately: tick ... tock ... tick ... tock ...
"My biological clock is ticking," Lopez, who's just signed on to star opposite Ralph Fiennes in "The Chambermaid," tells the World Entertainment News Network. "I do feel very happy with where I am in life right now, but I'm content to go with my gut when my life shifts a different way."
It seems it may be just a matter of time before Lopez decides to tack a "mother" label onto her singer/actress combo.
"As you get older," she says, "you realize more what you want and what you need and you're a little bit less willing to settle."
Funny, settling is not something diva Lo is particularly known for.
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