Jilted by Jesus

My girlfriend is a Christian and she'll do everything with me except have intercourse. Plus, she wants to convert me!

Published June 2, 2003 7:12PM (EDT)

Dear Cary,

I have recently started a relationship with a really great girl. She's hilarious, adorable, and we have a lot of fun together. There are two major issues. She's a Christian, I am not. She's a virgin, I am not.

I am not opposed to the idea of Christianity or spirituality, but I just wasn't brought up that way and I have never really felt the need for it in my life. I think I'm a good person and my parents raised me with really strong values. I don't have a problem with her being a Christian, but she has a problem with my not being a Christian. We have had a lot of conversations about our beliefs, and we believe pretty much the same things. She follows Christianity because she likes what Jesus preached: kindness to others, turning the other cheek, etc. I fully support everything the dude had to say; I just don't feel like I need the framework of a church to act out that support. I love her very much, but this is a sticking point. I don't think I'm going to suddenly "find Jesus," but I think, even though she won't admit it, that that's what she wants. I have tried to be as honest with her as possible, but she still has hopes and I know that it will continue to be an issue until one of us changes our mind.

The second thing is not quite as tricky, but it's still a problem. She has a very high sex drive. She masturbates, she has orgasms easily, and she has no problem doing everything but penetration. I can't quite figure out what the hang-up is. I can't get into that mind-set of "I'll do everything but" because it's all varying degrees of the same thing, in my opinion. If she's waited this long, she has obviously attached a great deal of significance to the act, and I don't want to take her virginity flippantly, but we're fully grown adults, and I feel like we are never going to get to that next level in our relationship without crossing that barrier. Anyway, it all stems from issue No. 1.

I have encouraged her to talk to her minister about our religious differences. I feel like anyone who is a serious religious scholar will recognize that there are many religions in the world and that people can be spiritual without being Christian. Or maybe he'll tell her that I'm going to Hell and she should dump me. I don't know. But I do know that I think she is fantastic in every other way and I'm willing to do just about anything for her, short of pretending to believe in a religion that I don't really believe in.

Jilted by Jesus

Dear Jilted,

I think you summed up your dilemma when you wrote, "I don't have a problem with her being a Christian, but she has a problem with my not being a Christian." That sentence sounds like a death sentence for your romance.

If she's truly an evangelical Christian she'll have to convert you or leave you. If you're not interested in being converted, you're just sort of waiting around for her to leave you.

It's almost comical. You, the happy secularist, are content to let a multitude of religions coexist in the world as long as they leave you alone. But she, the committed Christian, cannot just leave you alone. She has a duty to save you, me, the Jews, the Muslims and all the world's dirty unwashed un-Christian hordes. It's her religion to bring us her religion. You could look it up.

She may be playing along with your agnosticism just to keep a good prospect on the line while she works her unique selling proposition on your hell-bound soul. And the whole time you're getting no sex! This is not good. I would tell her what I tell telemarketers: I'm going to let you go now, so you can move on to somebody you might actually sell something to.

It's a no-brainer. If you don't bail, eventually after you've spent many frustrating nights dry-humping her hoop skirt she's going to weigh burning in hell for eternity against breaking up with her boyfriend. She'll save her ass. You'll be yesterdays hymn. And you'll never know what it feels like to fuck a Christian virgin.

Do you think it's worth converting for? Probably not. But heck, to a Christian intent on converting you, you represent a soul in the grip of the devil. So why not play your devilish role to the hilt: Lie, say you've accepted the Lord as your savior and see how far she'll go.

Afterward, when she finds out you lied, she'll forgive you. She has to. It's her religion.

I'm sorry. I'm a twisted son of the evangelical South and I couldn't resist that. I feel repentant already. The point is, if she's Christian, you need to realize she's not just kidding around. Find yourself a nice agnostic girl.

Want more advice from Cary? Read the Since You Asked directory.

By Cary Tennis

MORE FROM Cary Tennis

Related Topics ------------------------------------------

Love And Sex Sex Since You Asked