The Fix

Are Jack and Diane fools for love? Is J.Lo going to star in the next Jackie Collins bodice ripper? How does Tom Cruise look in mud? Plus: How much beer can Colin Farrell drink?

By Karen Croft
Published December 3, 2003 2:35PM (EST)

There have been rumors about a dating situation between the adorable Diane Keaton and the jaunty Jack Nicholson, but they could be chalked up to publicity for their new movie, "Something's Gotta Give." Katie Couric didn't even bug Diane about whether they are an item this morning but did ask what it was like to work with Jack. Diane laughed and said that the most fun was the two weeks they spent in bed together and that Nicholson is just a big sweetie who is "a fool for love." Keaton, who gives gals over 40 reason to rejoice, is romanced in the film by not only master Jack but mister Keanu Reeves who -- in a great casting joke -- plays a doctor.

Speaking of flicks, director Tim Burton says the original movie made from the children's book "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" was "sappy" and his version will be better. He's got People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive, Johnny Depp, to play Willie Wonka so that's a giant head start. (Coming Soon)

Early reviews of the holiday Tom Cruise vehicle "The Last Samurai" are worthy of a sake toast. Even the Japanese press is giving thumbs up. One writer said Cruise "looks comfortable and at home in heavy Japanese armor, running amok on a muddy battlefield with a sword in his hand." But then, Tom looks comfy in almost any setting, doesn't he? (Daily Yomiuri)

Quintessential bad boy cutie Colin Farrell made some studio heads faint when they saw the hotel bill from the star's two-week stay in Morocco while shooting "Alexander." Seems the beer-loving actor got into the honor bar a few times to the tune of $64,000. Even for an Irishman, that's a lot of suds. (IMDB)

Rumors are that J.Lo is up for the part of Lola Sanchez in the film version of Jackie Collins' book "Hollywood Divorces." Lola is a Latina superstar who marries a boring man to get over a "scandal-scarred true love." Now why would people think Jennifer was right for that part? (MSNBC)

For those of you out there who were too proud to watch the Paris Hilton/Nicole Richie surreality TV show "The Simple Life" last night, the highlights were as follows:

Hilton unable to figure out how to put the pickup truck awaiting them at the airstrip near the Altus, Ark., farm where they'll spend 30 days with a family they don't know -- and without credit cards or cellphones -- into gear, mewling "there's no reverse," as Richie admonishes, "Paris, don't drive it like a Porsche."

The duo overspending on items like pig's feet ("Eww! Feet!" exclaims Paris in dismay) while doing the farm-family shopping at the local grocery store (Hilton tried to slip in some apple juice) and Richie asking the clerk, "Well, can we just have it?" and being told, "No, this isn't a soup kitchen," which, alas, prompts the question, "What's a soup kitchen?"

The girls' refusal to pluck chickens for dinner with grandma farm lady, saying they'll, like, totally throw up if forced to handle a dead animal.

And Richie's suggestion that they have a three-way with the family's unsuspecting teenage son.

Oh, and, of course, Paris' questions, which reveal that she's even more clueless than her infamous sex video -- and its subsequent leakage -- would lead you to believe:

Shown an open well in the family home, she asks, "What are wells for?"

When conversation turns to Wal-Mart, she asks, "What is Wal-Mart? Do they, like, sell wall stuff?"

Told to buy generic groceries, she asks, "What does 'generic' mean?"

Move over, Jessica Simpson, there's a new, like, totally clueless blond in reality TV land.

Money Quote
No denying Baby Paltrow?: Gwyneth Paltrow flack Stephen Huvane's hemmy-hawy response -- delivered via voice mail -- to a query about whether Paltrow is pregnant: "I'm trying to reach Gwyneth. She's in transit from Europe to America as we speak and then is going on her Thanksgiving vacation so I don't know if I'll be able to reach her ... If I reach her, I will definitely try to call you and see what I can find out, but I don't think she lands until tonight. And then she's on vacation so I don't know if I will be able to reach her once she's on vacation, but I will try. Um, uh, okay, thanks!" (Lloyd Grove's Lowdown

Best of the Rest
Page Six: Victoria Gotti denies getting into shoving match in fancy eatery with family rival; soon-to-be-married "Bachelorette" Trista Rehn sued by her manager, who claims she owes him $200,000 in commission on million-dollar sale of TV rights to her wedding; ex-Kerry Kennedy beau Bruce Colley shows up at party with Lisa Gastineau, ex-wife of former Jet Mark Gastineau; Salman Rushdie and Lou Reed spotted talking about politics over a meal at a NYC eatery; "Master and Commander" star Paul Bettany tells French TV reporter that the way to survive on a ship for four months is to "masturbate until you're numb." (Maybe something got lost in translation?)

Rush and Molloy: Michael Jackson said to have ordered sweep of Neverland, scanning even his teddy bears for bugs, and to have skipped his home for "a secure, undisclosed location"; Chloe Sevigny smashes four front teeth "play-fighting" with designer Matt Damhave over Thanksgiving weekend, gets oral surgery; Democratic candidates fight to line up Hollywood backers. Rob Reiner tells Salon, "People here like stars"; Lenny Kravitz said to have hosted both Nicole Kidman and ex-wife Lisa Bonet at "intimate get-together" last weekend; Bruce Willis denies reports that he's engaged to his 25-year-old girlfriend, Brooke Burns; Saddam Hussein's next book said to be an attack on Jews called "Get Out of Here, You Demons!"; Glen Campbell formally charged with assault and drunken driving; Billy Joel orders water, gloats about it.

--Amy Reiter

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Karen Croft

Karen Croft is the editor of Salon Sex.

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