Wal-Mart needs a date

Giant retailer seeks hottie with incentives.


John Dicker
September 1, 2004 11:30PM (UTC)

Name: Wal-Mart Stores Inc.

Age: 42

Hometown: Bentonville, Ark.

Occupation: Behemoth

Education: $256 billion in annual sales and you care about a degree?

Religion: Everyday Low Prices, Cornpone Populism

Height/Weight: 1.5 million associates in more than 4,300 stores in 9 countries on four continents. But I'm not fat, I swear!

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Hobbies: Some days I'm all about squeezing my suppliers; other days all I want to do is cut my payroll. But one thing's for sure: I'm always up for frisbee golf!

Turn-offs: Labor unions, zoning laws, and drivers who dont use their blinkers.

In 10 Years, I See Myself... Turning $600 billion in annual sales with 20 percent of the domestic retail market, expanding into banking, gas, auto, air travel, healthcare, etc... And hopefully NOT STILL SINGLE!!! LOL.

You Should Get to Know Me Because: I will own you.

Last Great Book I Read: "Chicken Soup for the Class-Action Defendant's Soul"

Celebrity I Resemble Most: Some say Kmart, others Target. I kinda think Kevin Spacey.

Favorite Onscreen Sex Scene: Tie between "Bankrupt Municipalities Gone Wild Vol. 3" and "Porky's" (the shower scene, duh!)

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Best or Worst Lie I've Told: "We're not anti-union, we're pro associate."

If I Could Be Anywhere at the Moment I'd Be: Penetrating the fertile markets of India, China and your heart.

Song That Puts Me in the Mood: Billboard's Top 20. I know that's vague, but I control 10 percent of domestic music sales.

Most Humbling Moment: Kathy Lee Gifford

The Five Items I Can't Live Without: My legal team, my political action committee, politicians acquired through my political action committee, my satellite-based communications system, and my legal team

In My Bedroom You'll Find: Everyday low prices -- if you're lucky.

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Fill in the Blanks: "1.4 million people screaming your name a letter at a time while wiggling their asses" is sexy; "Halle Berry doing it at your shareholders meeting" is sexier.

More About Me: Wow, I can't believe I'm actually doing this. All my friends say they don't understand why I'm still single! Anyway, I value honesty, efficiency and public subsidies. I'm as comfortable running a ballot initiative to circumvent local government authority as I am snuggling up at home with a DVD. I'm fiscally if not socially responsible, hardworking, and I don't sweat the small stuff (provided you've signed an agreement not to sue me).

Who I'm Looking For: Call me old-fashioned, but what does a fella have to do to find 20-25 acres on the periphery of a growing exurb? Hello!

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While I don't have a type, you have to be near a major regional roadway or Interstate or it just won't work out. No head games or mandated economic-impact studies, please.

When responding, please include color photo, all pertinent tax incentives and signed nondisclosure agreement. Understand that I reserve the right to terminate our relationship at any time based on quarterly same-store sales figures, and that it's totally not personal, OK?

Can't wait to meet you!

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John Dicker

John Dicker is a freelance writer living in Brooklyn.

MORE FROM John Dicker



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