Wal-Mart needs a date

Giant retailer seeks hottie with incentives.



John Dicker
September 1, 2004 11:30PM (UTC)

Name: Wal-Mart Stores Inc.

Age: 42

Hometown: Bentonville, Ark.

Occupation: Behemoth

Education: $256 billion in annual sales and you care about a degree?

Religion: Everyday Low Prices, Cornpone Populism

Height/Weight: 1.5 million associates in more than 4,300 stores in 9 countries on four continents. But I'm not fat, I swear!

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Hobbies: Some days I'm all about squeezing my suppliers; other days all I want to do is cut my payroll. But one thing's for sure: I'm always up for frisbee golf!

Turn-offs: Labor unions, zoning laws, and drivers who dont use their blinkers.

In 10 Years, I See Myself... Turning $600 billion in annual sales with 20 percent of the domestic retail market, expanding into banking, gas, auto, air travel, healthcare, etc... And hopefully NOT STILL SINGLE!!! LOL.

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You Should Get to Know Me Because: I will own you.

Last Great Book I Read: "Chicken Soup for the Class-Action Defendant's Soul"

Celebrity I Resemble Most: Some say Kmart, others Target. I kinda think Kevin Spacey.

Favorite Onscreen Sex Scene: Tie between "Bankrupt Municipalities Gone Wild Vol. 3" and "Porky's" (the shower scene, duh!)

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Best or Worst Lie I've Told: "We're not anti-union, we're pro associate."

If I Could Be Anywhere at the Moment I'd Be: Penetrating the fertile markets of India, China and your heart.

Song That Puts Me in the Mood: Billboard's Top 20. I know that's vague, but I control 10 percent of domestic music sales.

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Most Humbling Moment: Kathy Lee Gifford

The Five Items I Can't Live Without: My legal team, my political action committee, politicians acquired through my political action committee, my satellite-based communications system, and my legal team

In My Bedroom You'll Find: Everyday low prices -- if you're lucky.

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Fill in the Blanks: "1.4 million people screaming your name a letter at a time while wiggling their asses" is sexy; "Halle Berry doing it at your shareholders meeting" is sexier.

More About Me: Wow, I can't believe I'm actually doing this. All my friends say they don't understand why I'm still single! Anyway, I value honesty, efficiency and public subsidies. I'm as comfortable running a ballot initiative to circumvent local government authority as I am snuggling up at home with a DVD. I'm fiscally if not socially responsible, hardworking, and I don't sweat the small stuff (provided you've signed an agreement not to sue me).

Who I'm Looking For: Call me old-fashioned, but what does a fella have to do to find 20-25 acres on the periphery of a growing exurb? Hello!

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While I don't have a type, you have to be near a major regional roadway or Interstate or it just won't work out. No head games or mandated economic-impact studies, please.

When responding, please include color photo, all pertinent tax incentives and signed nondisclosure agreement. Understand that I reserve the right to terminate our relationship at any time based on quarterly same-store sales figures, and that it's totally not personal, OK?

Can't wait to meet you!


John Dicker

John Dicker is a freelance writer living in Brooklyn.

MORE FROM John Dicker


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