The Fix

Paris' bumbling deposition now online. Abramoff's dad lashes out at Clooney. Plus: A Web site that counts F-words!


Salon Staff
January 20, 2006 7:25PM (UTC)

Morning Briefing:
The secret profanity of "40-Year-Old Virgin" revealed: Screen It, a Web site ostensibly devoted to parents concerned about the content of Hollywood movies, bills itself as "an unbiased, easy to use, yet heavily detailed and complete look at popular entertainment your kids might see, rent, or buy." But in protecting kids from smut, the people behind Screen It have had to learn to wallow in it. See their painstaking assessment of "The 40-Year-Old Virgin" for an example of just what "heavily detailed" means. Their rundown of the film's profanity: "At least 68 'f' words (2 used with 'mother,' 16 used sexually as are phrases such as 'laid,' 'nail,' 'screw,' 'do it,' 'get it on' and 'tap'), 29 's' words, 19 slang terms using female genitals ('p*ssy,' variations of that word and 'poon,' and 'tw*t'), 15 using male ones ('d*ck,' 'c*ck,' 'c*cks*cker' and 'pogo stick'), 4 slang terms for breasts (variation of 't*tty'), 17 asses (2 used with 'hole'), 4 hells, 3 damns, 1 S.O.B., 15 uses of 'Oh my God,' 8 of 'God,' 4 of 'Oh God,' 3 of 'My God,' 2 each of 'G-damn' and 'Swear to God' and 1 use each of 'For God's sakes' and 'Oh Jesus Christ.' " Oddly, the site also includes a number of possibly imitative phrases to watch out for that range from "F*ck your mother" to the seemingly innocuous (or laden with hidden meaning?) "Forty is the new twenty." For even more awkwardly precise descriptions, see the "Sex/Nudity" section of the site's "Brokeback Mountain" review. (Screen It)

Paris in her own words: Paris Hilton's deposition in the defamation lawsuit filed by Zeta Graff -- stemming from a none-too-flattering item in Page Six from last year that Graff says Hilton planted -- has made its way online. The deposition, taken in November, shows the heiress struggling to say "no" instead of "uh-huh," forgetting names and interjecting occasional asides like "I'm so hungry." Her thoughts on friends: "I meet so many people. I don't even know some of my friends' names." What she thinks about e-mail: "Whatever I write in email, it doesn't mean anything. It is just words I write." Her definition of stalking: "I would never say stalking. I'm not a dude. Like, I think a girl can only stalk a guy. She can't really stalk another girl." When Graff's lawyer, Paul Berra, begins asking whether she remembered articles about her appearing in Europe that summer -- Hilton alleged that Graff had been using her for publicity during that time -- he specifically wonders, "Were there U.K. publications?" Hilton responds by saying, "No. Like Us Weekly or In Touch. And there is stuff in London." At which point Hilton's lawyer, Larry Stein, jumps in: "London is a U.K. publication." Hilton's response: "Right. U.K. Whatever." (TMZ.com)

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Clooney makes a 12-year-old cry: In case you missed it, George Clooney devoted the end of his acceptance speech at the Golden Globes for best supporting actor in a motion picture to ex-lobbyist Jack Abramoff: "Who would name their kid Jack with the last words 'off' at the end of your last name? No wonder that guy is screwed up." On Thursday, Jack Abramoff's dad, Frank, shot back, sending an open letter to Clooney via the Palm Springs Desert Sun (see a PDF of the original letter here). After calling Clooney's rhetorical question an "obscene query," Abramoff senior goes on to answer it:

My son was named after my beloved departed father. His name, too, was Jack Abramoff. And, were he alive today, he would be standing firmly behind his namesake, as is his entire family and many more true friends than you will ever know.

Not that it matters to you, I am sure, but the worst part of your tirade is that it played out in front of many young people, including my sweet 12-year-old granddaughter, one of Jack's five children. Jack did not waste his time watching the garbage spewing from your mouth, but his daughter did. You drove her to a fit of tears. Are you proud of that?

The Desert Sun also tracked down Clooney's dad, Nick, who had this to offer: "I understand what it is like to have one's son criticized in a very public way. It's very painful and it's very difficult," Clooney said. "The difference here, and it must be said, is Mr. Abramoff's son, instead of pursuing some positive efforts to do what he hoped would change the climate of the American politics, has confessed and has been convicted by that confession of subverting the political process." No comment yet from either son. (The Desert Sun via Drudge, Crooks and Liars)

Also:
The adoption papers haven't come through yet, but on Thursday a Los Angeles judge approved the petition to legally hyphenate the names of Angelina Jolie's two children, changing them to Maddox Chivan Jolie-Pitt and Zahara Marley Jolie-Pitt. (Us Weekly) ... Coming off its Golden Globes win, "Brokeback Mountain" was the biggest movie in the United States on Tuesday and Wednesday of this week, and could be No. 2 at the box office over the weekend. (Box Office Mojo, Variety) ... Also on Wednesday, the pun became a reality with the announcement of the soon-to-be-released gay porn movie, "Bareback Mountain." (Fleshbot) ... Macaulay Culkin's debut fiction effort, "Junior," won't be out until March, and Kirkus Reviews won't be publishing its take on the book until next month, but Page Six has the advance goods from its review: "With 'Junior,' an audaciously empty mishmash of poems, letters, comics, etc. ... Culkin has managed to lower the already low bar set for celebrity fiction. Filled with jokes lacking wit, introspection devoid of insight, poetry made of nothing, this is a work frustratingly short on substance. It makes Ethan Hawke read like Philip Roth." (Page Six) ... Soul legend Wilson Pickett, probably best known for his hits "In the Midnight Hour" and "Mustang Sally," died in Virginia of a heart attack on Thursday. He was 64. Publicly acknowledging the loss, Aretha Franklin called Pickett "one of the greatest soul singers of all time." (BBC)

Money Quotes:
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, brushing aside a question from a reporter about the "Seinfeld Curse," the theory that none of the series' cast members have been successful since the show ended: "My short answer is I have no worries about that because I'm on a heavy dose of antibiotics right now." (Yahoo! News)

Turn on:
It's a new episode of "Monk" (USA, 10 p.m. EST), and the Discovery Channel has a two-hour special, "Egypt Untold: Rameses the Great" (9 p.m. EST). On Sunday, Gillian Anderson makes her first return to TV since "The X-Files," starring in the Masterpiece Theatre adaptation of Dickens' "Bleak House" (PBS, check local listings).

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-- Scott Lamb

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