O say, ma, been laden forever!

Working with your phone company, skilled NSA operatives are rounding up evil terrorists who speak Islamofascist jive.


Evan Ratliff
May 12, 2006 3:31PM (UTC)

Memo: NSA headquarters, Fort Meade
Automated data mining analysis, transcript #HS48652-6
Target: Evan Ratliff
Communication: Domestic e-mail intercepts
Keyword extraction recommendation: Significant terror risk. Operations imminent.

From: eratliff@*********.com
To: samschaffer@*****.com

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Yo, Schaffe! What's up?! How's life down South? Tried calling your cell, but you must have been out hitting the bars pretty hard last night. Did you check out that little home-style restaurant I told you about? The house specialty is lamb chop, OH SNAP!! You'll love it.

drink a PBR for me,
e

From: eratliff@*********.com
To: samschaffer@*****.com

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How've you been, lad? In trouble with the wife again, sounds like! Don't worry, it'll blow over. Not much happening in New York, except this bloody cold weather. Luckily my grandma knitted me that afghan this Christmas. I'd never heard of an afghan before, it's like some kind of super warm blanket. Thank frickin God too, since our radiator is shot. Man, every year I dream about buying a big plot of land down south, with a few blueberry bushes and a dog roving around the yard. Just quit urban life forever. Sounds like Heaven right now.

Anyway, hope it's beautiful in Virginia.

stay warm,
e

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From: eratliff@*********.com
To: samschaffer@*****.com

Big news, Schaffe: Landed a new job! Still pushing papers, but an easy subway ride and finally making decent moolah. Oh, Marjorie says to say hi. She's been on my case about the Xbox marathons again. I told her not to play martyr after we had the in-laws here for a week, but I'm not winning that never-ending battle.

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Don't think you're catching up to me, though, Schaffe: I racked up huge kills playing Halo the other day. Face it, I would destroy you if we played right now. My skillz is real, bitch!

Still trying to keep that New Year's resolution to get my ass in shape, so Christian and I ran twenty suicides at the gym yesterday (just like Coach "Gasbag" Kreil used to make us do after practice). I felt like my lungs were gonna explode. Christian ran them all ahead of me and then bombarded me with dirty taunts. Did I tell you he just moved into a phat walk-up over on Morton street?

fo shizzle,
e

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From: eratliff@*********.com
To: samschaffer@*****.com

Yo Schafffe-Dog, just a heads up that Marjorie is sending you a care package of her brownies this week. Nuke them in the microwave for 20 seconds. The peanut butter ones are the bomb.

Did you decide about that knee operation? Schaffe, a man your age shouldn't be still trying to slam dunk a basketball.

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sweet,
e

From: eratliff@*********.com
To: samschaffer@*****.com

How bout the Giants draft picks? Maybe they can avoid a repeat of last year's vicious playoff ass whipping from the Panthers. What a weak, bush-league effort. Dude, you're lucky you escaped watching that game, it was torture. Year after year, no love for the faithful. They just never seem ready to play mentally. Benji had some theory about opening up the offense, but you know my cousin: always preaching run-and-gun football. I think they need a defense that is going to HIT HARDER! They'd better at least recruit some decent free agents into training camp this year.

Well, there's always hockey. Your boys the Red Wings are still alive, but watch out for the Predators! They could be a sleeper. What godless moron gave Nashville a hockey team, anyway?

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How's the nightlife down there? Went to a Killers live show the other night, I can't believe you've never heard them. Are you living in a cave down there? That band is blowing up!

OK Dog, gotta jet. You'd better be on a crusade to find the best bbq in the state of Virginia. When I get up enough funds I'm going to catch a flight down there and pay you a visit.

keep it real,
e


Evan Ratliff

Evan Ratliff is a contributing editor to Wired magazine, and the co-author of "Safe: The Race to Protect Ourselves in a Newly Dangerous World."

MORE FROM Evan Ratliff



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