Talk dirty to me, please?

A reader needs a spanking, or at least she needs Cary to indulge her desire for hot verbal transgression -- and she gets it.

Published August 24, 2006 11:00AM (EDT)

Dear Cary,

I'm 30 and in a wonderful, loving, amazing, 10-month-long relationship with an incredible man whom I adore. On the surface, everything looks -- and is -- quite perfect. We are both attractive, intelligent, funny and in love. We get along, we have a great time together, we share the same views on most important issues and have the same conception of what our future should look like.

The one area, however, in which we disagree is sex. I'm somewhat adventurous. I want him to talk dirty to me, knock it out with me in a bathroom at a party, hold me down, smack my ass, bend me over the kitchen table, jerk off while I watch, etc. He, on the other hand, likes to make love on the bed or possibly the couch if he feels like really going crazy, and only if there is ample time (quickies make him feel rushed), and he won't even say, "This feels good," or "I like it when you do X," let alone, "Do you like it when I fuck you hard" or something.

I have asked for everything I listed above, both while we're in bed and while we're out of it. He always answers that my request is corny and cheesy. He says that it would make him uncomfortable and refuses to even try it. If pressed, he dismisses these desires as silly, or just sighs and acts put upon and stressed out until I eventually drop the request. I've offered to indulge any fantasy he has, and he insists he doesn't have any.

His lack of interest in meeting me in the middle, or lending credence to my desires, or even discussing his own, is making me feel like a pervert, and makes me feel slightly resentful. Right now, despite all of this, I'm not unsatisfied with our sex life. I do my best to focus on enjoying what he will give, instead of what he won't. I worry, however, that in the future I'll be sexually frustrated and unsatisfied because we are only able to have sex in ways that he prefers. I'm also concerned for the viability of a long-term relationship if he is unable to candidly discuss my desires without acting as if I'm requesting some huge and onerous favor.

Can two people who are in love manage to have a long and satisfying relationship if they have incompatible ideas and comfort levels when it comes to sex? I'm desperately in love with him. But I don't want to go my whole life without ever getting tied up or talked dirty to again.

Dirty Thirty

Dear Dirty Thirty,

What a shame it would be if nobody ever talked dirty to you again, you wet little slut. What a shame if nobody ever lifted you onto the hood, peeled back your preconceptions and put to you an irrefutable proposition concerning your corporeal being (at which point, gasping, you ask: Are you with the soccer team?). What a shame if no one ever again put his hand over your mouth to muffle the sharp little noises you make when such things are discussed.

What a shame to never again be bent over a bathroom vanity while party people bang on the door to do their cocaine. What a shame to be fucked in the same old way on the same old bed night after night, stifling yawn after yawn as he begins to arch and stiffen like an alligator.

You pouty little junior high school cheerleader in crotchless panties and a pushup bra! You nasty Catholic schoolgirl on detention in fishnet stockings, rubbing yourself under the desk in full view of Father Tom! You're a bad, bad, bad little girl but I feel sorry for you, so I will rub something soothing and cool on you after I spank you with my slipper!

How's that? Does that feel better? You're a nice little girl but you need direction. So crawl over to the wet bar and bring me a towel, an ice cube and some tongs. Bring me a bottle of Chivas Regal, a copy of Car Craft Magazine, some nail polish, a package of frozen Jimmy Dean Sausage, three pomegranates and a nail gun.

Now let's sit here naked and wait for the diaper truck and the veterinarian.

I think your boyfriend is missing out on a whole lot of fun. Have you tried reading aloud to him from the Kama Sutra? Have you tried tying him up and drawing pictures of the Virgin Mary on his penis with a Sharpie? Have you tried covering his ass with pomegranate seeds and popping them with a razor strop? Have you tried pretending you and he are trapped in the Space Shuttle, weightless and in total darkness?

Have you tried doing the things to him that you want done to you?

I know, it may be hopeless. He may lack imagination or courage or both. If so, you've got some thinking to do. You have to weigh your alternatives. And while I can do many things for you, weighing your alternatives is something that, I am quite certain, you must do for yourself.

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