The evil future is now: Semen detection kits

Indulge your worst fears, violate others -- all for less than $50.


Sarah Hepola
April 18, 2008 6:20PM (UTC)

Good God, what hath "CSI" wrought?

Jezebel brings us news of the do-it-yourself semen detection kit Check Mate, "the easiest and most cost effective way to put an end to the nightmare of suspicion and doubt caused by the infidelity of a cheating spouse or of a sexually active teen. Quickly, easily, and accurately detect and identify semen in undergarments in 5 minutes or less."

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You know, plenty of products these days are creepy. But it takes a special product to really give me the creeping fantods, and this one does the trick. (Not to mention it looks about as accurate as a tarot card reading.) I can't imagine the heartbreaking scenarios that precede use of the "Check Mate." My mind reels, taking in a variety of imagined scenarios -- the fuming boyfriend, the screaming wife, the crackpot parents, sniffing their son's disgarded boxers. Man, I was ready to call it a violation when my parents searched my bedroom closet for beer. At least they stayed out of my effing crotch. But hey, folks, only $50! (Frankly, I would love it if this turned out to be a Yale art student's hoax.)

Enjoy the commercial. Shudder.


Sarah Hepola

Sarah Hepola is the author of the New York Times bestselling memoir, "Blackout: Remembering the Things I Drank to Forget."

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