Dating don'ts

The best ways to not get laid.

Published September 19, 2008 2:50PM (EDT)

Megan at Jezebel started it with her list of 20 dating moves that will render a guy unfuckable in her book, based on sad experience. ("Don't text me on a Tuesday night after midnight 'I could totally eat ur puss now if u r interwssetted.' I'm not." "Don't 'neg' me. That works on insecure little 20-somethings that think they have something to prove. Me it just annoys and you are not remotely hot/smart/rich/powerful enough to intimidate me into thinking I want you to have sex with me.") Jill at Feministe picked it up and added 10 of her own. ("Don’t tell me, on a first date, about the time you pooped your pants on the Jenny Jones Show when you were performing the commercial outro with your Rick James cover band." "When you figure out that the feminism thing is one of my interests, it's probably best to say something other than 'So do you hate men?' The truth is, I do kind of hate the ones who ask me that.") She's also offered an irresistible challenge to top the Jenny Jones pants-pooping story. And well, three times and it's a meme, right? Here goes.

1. Don't tell me on a first date about the time you were tested for chlamydia (because you found out your high school girlfriend was "a bit of a skank") and go on to describe in loving detail the sensation of a medical-grade Q-tip being inserted into your penis.

2. When informed that I have an autistic nephew, don't respond with, "Well, at least when he gets older, you can take him to Vegas, right?"

3. Do not bring red roses to a woman on the first date. This is not an adorably romantic gesture. This is creepy as all hell.

4. Do not tell me that despite your being in your early 30s, most of your friends are in their early 20s, because "they just get you better."

5. Do not attempt to impress me by speaking Spanish to a waitress, if you don't actually speak Spanish.

6. Do not call out, as you watch my ass while I walk to the washroom, "You know, you're not really that fat. You're, like, thick at best."

7. When I say, "Hey, you know, my friends will make sure I get home OK, so you can feel free to go," do not interpret this as an invitation to stay.

I could keep going, but I already get enough grief from my editor about long-winded posts. Over to you, readers. Can you top the Jenny Jones pants-pooping story?

By Kate Harding

Kate Harding is the author of Asking For It: The Alarming Rise of Rape Culture--and What We Can Do About It, available from Da Capo Press in August 2015. Previously, she collaborated with Anna Holmes, Amanda Hess, and a cast of thousands on The Book of Jezebel, and with Marianne Kirby on Lessons from the Fat-o-Sphere. You might also remember her as the founding editor of Shapely Prose (2007-2010). Kate's essays have appeared in the anthologies Madonna & Me, Yes Means Yes, Feed Me, and Airmail: Women of Letters. She holds an M.F.A. in fiction from Vermont College of Fine Arts and a B.A. in English from University of Toronto, and is currently at work on a Ph.D. in creative writing from Bath Spa University

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