World Series pronounced dead!

Blame it on the rain. Or the mud or the suspended game. Or the late starts. Or cranky writers and an unscheduled off day.

Published October 29, 2008 7:30PM (EDT)

Have you been reading the papers? Wind-surfing the Interthingy? Holy smoke, there's a crisis going on!

The World Series has died. It's gone down in flames. It's beyond repair.

Cause of death was Monday's suspended game, sources say. Not so much the typically bungling way that commissioner Bud Selig handled the decision to suspend the game in the sixth inning but the determination to start it in the first place, because postseason baseball games have never been played in wet conditions.

But that's not all. This World Series has been an "artistic dud," according to the Denver Post obituary. The Philadelphia Phillies have taken a three games to one lead over the Tampa Bay Rays, and we all know that no team ever rallies from that. At least not in the World Series. And anyway, how great can a World Series be when it's between two teams that have been such losers lately?

But you know what's really killing the World Series? The late starts. The games don't begin until 8:37 p.m. EDT and they don't end till long after millions of imaginary 8-year-olds have been marched off to bed, each and every one of them muttering, "I will never become a fan of baseball, and I will also never cure cancer or do anything else worthwhile with my life because I'm so embittered over being forced to go to bed while a boring, wet World Series game is on -- between two teams I don't care about, by the way, because neither one is the Yankees or Red Sox -- and what I'm going to do is drop out of high school, hitchhike to New York and shack up with a by-then forgotten Olsen Twin, who would have stolen my youthful innocence if my parents hadn't just stolen it by marching me off to bed with the World Series on, and can I have some water?"

I know, I know. I'm with you. I thought it was just a game suspended by rain. I'd been thinking this was a competitive Series in which the team leading 2-1 grabbed Game 4, but if the trailing team could pull out Game 5, it had home field and good pitching matchups. A fighting chance.

I'd been thinking they haven't played a World Series game in the daytime since Game 6 in 1987 -- and even that one had been the first in three years -- and nobody'd even mentioned that the Fall Classic had one foot in the grave and the other on Chase Utley's hair.

But these things can happen quickly. A little rain, a little mud, some sleepy, cranky writers and that's all she typed.

Oh well. Wonder what's on TV tonight.

By King Kaufman

King Kaufman is a senior writer for Salon. You can e-mail him at king at salon dot com. Facebook / Twitter / Tumblr

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