Ladies, how many times has this happened to you? You're married to — or at least seriously dating — a handsome, high-profile professional athlete. It's a glamorous, exciting life. Too bad he's got other women throwing themselves at him 24/7. And we all know how humiliatingly that works out.
Well, now there's help. A new organization, with the back-off-bitch-he's-mine name Off the Market, has launched to help keep athletes and their significant others on the straight and narrow.
Founded by Tia Robbins, wife of New York Giants defensive tackle Fred Robbins, "professional mother" Jerika Johnstone, wife of former NFL player Lance Johnstone, and Jasmine Silva, girlfriend of St. Louis Rams safety James Butler, Off the Market promises to "enrich the lives of couples by offering a unique environment, exclusive services, and access to valuable resources for the ultimate benefit and honoring of the relationship between woman and man."
Their invitation-only kickoff event will be Monday in New York, and they promise goody bags from the likes of Tenga, makers of "the best male masturbation aid on the market." It may not be a cocktail waitress, but it's a whole lot cheaper than a divorce settlement. Looking forward, the ladies also hope to "offer a private lesson for strip pole dancing one day or even offer to have a strip pole built in a home" for their clients. Of course they do.
Every relationship deserves regular nurturing and loving attention. So I'm asking — what are the guys doing in all of this, aside from jerking off into the Tenga Flip Hole? In her bio, Silva says that "a successful woman is one that is equally amazing as a mother, a wife and a leader in her field," while Robbins echoes that "women are the rock, the heart, and soul of the relationships." That's right, once again, females are consigned to the role of gatekeepers of the out-of-control masculine libido, clinging hopefully to the stripper pole in exchange for his faithfulness.
Promoting "positive, healthy, sexy, rewarding, fun, and exciting relationships" is all well and good. But the idea that if we just try hard enough, we can buffer ourselves from the heartache of infidelity is kind of bullshit. Beautiful, sexy, smart women get cheated on every day, despite their best efforts. So while we're all for keeping the spark alive, we also note that there's something pretty sad about calling an organization "Off the Market" and having the term apply not to the women it aims to serve, but the men they're trying to hang on to.