People have been asking me what I think about the royal wedding, and all I've been able to give them is a blank stare.
I do have a vague interest in seeing the dress, and whether the bride wears one of her kooky hats down the aisle. It's also true that the Prince William and Kate Middleton courtship is more modern and, to my mind, far more appealing than past royal pairings (they spent several years dating, and then not dating, and then dating again before he proposed). But none of this stirs dormant princess fantasies for me. Basically, I am neither excited nor offended by the spectacle; I'm just sort of "meh."
The media hype around the upcoming nuptials makes me feel like I should care, though. I asked myself: There must be some cultural significance in this global commercial for marriage, right? Shouldn't this sparkly ceremony reflect something noteworthy about the current state of romance, fairy tales ... or something? But, still, nothing. So I went to some of my favorite writers, thinkers and cultural commentators to see whether they cared a lick about it. What did I find? Well, I challenge you to find a more articulate and entertaining representation of royal wedding apathy.
David Rakoff, author of "Fraud"
Until one of two hypotheticals occurs -- the first being the Windsors paying their taxes, and the second involving an abstract but supremely vivid scenario involving that ginger-haired brain-trust of a prince who dressed up like a Nazi and a lockerroom shower (and a pulled hamstring) -- I cannot feign interest in the Royals. I literally could not care less if I were in a coma.
Meg Wolitzer, author of "The Uncoupling"
To me, they look like secondary characters in an Archie comic. As for the wedding itself: I didn't invite them; they didn't invite me. My novelist self was interested in the Charles and Diana wedding, if only because of what seemed to be the story underneath: that he didn't really like her very much. But this time around, in the absence of outsized, highly compelling characters, it all seems kind of uninteresting and remote, like an old radio playing in another room.
Stephen Elliott, author of "The Adderall Diaries"
I've been racking my brain about the royal wedding, trying to find the answer to the question "how do I feel?" I've explored my entire subconscious and for the life of me I can't find a thing.
Julie Klausner, author of "I Don't Care About Your Band"
I just want William to know that it's not too late for him to change his mind. I can get a red eye from Newark, and I'll bring my own chupah. I'm just putting it out there.
Anna Holmes, founding editor of Jezebel.com
I could not be any less interested in the news about yet another pair of photogenic, hyper-privileged, rich dumb asses -- who, I'm sure, are very nice in person! -- walking down the aisle and taking up space on magazine covers for weeks to come. (Get off my lawn!)
Sometimes, in media moments as frenzied -- and as supposedly gendered -- as this, I wonder, "What's wrong with me. Why don't I care about the wedding? The dress? The guest-list? The cake?" But then I remember: I never believed in fairy tales. That said, I wish them well.
Benoit Denizet-Lewis, author of "American Voyeur: Dispatches From the Far Reaches of Modern Life"
I will not be watching the Royal Channel Live Stream. I know this makes me a bad gay, but this event has three of my least favorite things: parades, weddings, and queens. (Of the royal variety. I like queenie guys just fine.)
Amanda Marcotte, author of "It's a Jungle Out There: The Feminist Survival Guide to Politically Inhospitable Environments"
Who can possibly care about a couple of tedious preppies making it official in a church in front of their wealthy families and hundreds of people they don't know or care much about? The nostalgia for a time when monarchies mattered creeps me out. It reminds me of white people acting out fantasies of the old Confederacy.
Sloane Crosley, author of "I Was Told There'd Be Cake"
My friend is getting married in Minneapolis this weekend and so that's the wedding I will be attending. Not because she is my friend but because I was invited to that one. I go where I'm wanted.
Katha Pollitt, columnist at The Nation
Where's Cromwell when you need him?
Beth Lisick, author of "Helping Me Help Myself"
Besides this bear couple that I met at a party the other night, not a single person I know has even mentioned it. Don't take this the wrong way, like when people brag about not having a TV, but I really don't give a shit about any of it.
Choire Sicha, co-editor of The Awl
I haven't had a single thought about this wedding. It's weird -- I literally do not care, but not in the like "ugh" way, I just literally can't even obtain a connection to it. Also I can't even remember when it is! A true sign of being not engaged.
Dina Goldstein, creator of Fallen Princesses, a photo project that imagines Disney heroines in modern scenarios
Princess has a spectacular wedding adorned by the whole world. A year goes by and life is good. Princess Kate is volunteering and supporting local fashion designers while her Prince is flying helicopters. Princess is getting bored, she's trying to get pregnant, but it's not happening. A few more years go by and no baby. In secret they try in vitro, several times. Still not working and drugs are making Princess crazy. Princess is very sad and wants to adopt. Maybe from China or Africa ... ? Queen says no way! Voila, a Fallen Princess.
Ayelet Waldman, author of "Bad Mother: A Chronicle of Maternal Crimes, Minor Calamities, and Occasional Moments of Grace"
I have given exactly no thought at all to the royal wedding. Has anyone?