Remember last year when Herman Cain unleashed the world's most amazing campaign ad? Remember how, right after you talked yourself down from the dark fear that the creepy smiling man could ever occupy the White House, you started wishing for an entire network exactly like that catchy "I am! Americaaaaaa!" clip? Well, the Fourth of July isn't American Christmas for nothing, folks.
On Wednesday, our greatest foe in the war on "sissy pizza" answered your prayers and launched "a bold solution to the rampant ignorance being thrust upon the people of this nation by lazy and blatantly biased news media outlets." Welcome to CainTV, the Web network whose motto brags, "We are not stupid." And nothing says "We are not stupid" like a rant against billionaire "Warren Buffet" [sic]. I remember him. He's the guy who made his fortune in Sizzler sneeze guards, right?
Want to see an overweight bald man arguing with a Sandra Fluke puppet? You got it, America. How about some toothless guy sitting on the curb talking about what's wrong with Hillary Clinton? That can be arranged. Animated Ronald Reagan berating Barack Obama about wealth redistribution? You bet. Dinosaurs who lay red, white and blue eggs in "the greatest country of all"? Get the kids. Metaphors involving sheep and firearms? Coming right up. "Gunless Moments in History" -- a feature that equates gun control with the Holocaust? We thought you'd never ask. And, of course, "lots of Cain"? Oh hell to the yes. It's like going down a beautiful rabbit hole of inspirational, patriotic paranoia.
Cain may never attain our nation's highest office, but now, he has the chance to reinvent himself as something even bigger than president of the United States – an entertainment mogul. That's admirably ambitious -- even Sarah Palin stopped short and settled for just being a reality star. And while Comedy Central may merely attempt political humor, Herman Cain may just be the most hilarious thing to happen to programming this election year.