Alex Jones is phoning it in

Alex, your latest theory is terrible -- we expect more from you

Topics: Alex Jones, Conspiracy theorists, Boston Marathon, Boston Marathon explosion,

Alex Jones is phoning it in (Credit: Facebook)

Alex Jones must be either getting lazy or think his readers are really dumb, because his grand theory about the Boston Marathon bombings is the sloppiest concocted narrative we’ve seen since that dog ate your homework.

Of course, Jones and his comrades at InfoWars thinks the brothers suspected in the bombing are innocent, citing such reliable sources as Twitter user “Trippin No L’ 4/20.”

But if the brothers Tsarnaev didn’t do it, who did? Jones laid out his unified theory of the event yesterday in a video promising “PROOF!” that the event was “staged” and an accompanying blog post.

The basic outline is the same as all of his projects: A globalist cabal working through the U.S. government staged a “false flag” operation that will be blamed on terrorists as pretext to take away guns and civil liberties and eventually tyranny. Eventually, they will depopulate the entire planet through massive genocides.

In the video, Jones calls the bombings “the biggest event” of his 18 years of broadcasting, so you would think he would bring his A game, but he really let us down with this one. There’s something you have to respect about a good conspiracy theory — Hollywood certainly does — and Jones is generally a master, but his latest work is so full of holes, internal inconsistencies and outrageous leaps in logic that only die-hard fans willing to suspend all disbelief will appreciate it. It’s really the Phantom Menace of the InfoWars franchise.

Here are just a few of the things a good continuity supervisor would catch:



  • Jones says Navy SEALs were on the scene and involved in carrying out the attack. He knows this because there were “guys in uniforms” wearing “Navy SEAL caps” all over the finish line. This is his primary piece of evidence, appearing in numerous blog posts and videos across his site. But if you’re executing a secret conspiracy, don’t you think you’d leave the uniform and baseball cap identifying yourself as a member of said conspiracy at home? Why not just wear a name tag that says, “Hello, my name is conspirator #4, Gorge Soros sent me?” The devil is in the fabricated details, Alex, you know that.
  • The mask slips, Jones says, when the “whole script got screwed up” after CNN reported, and then retracted, that a suspect had been arrested (thanks, John King!). The reason for the change, Jones says, is that the conspirators didn’t anticipate that people would have access to public images of the bombing. Really? The omnipotent globalist regime didn’t think, gee, “I wonder if there will be any cameras at this very high-profile event. You know, the one where thousands of people come with iPhones and dozens of media outlets set up hundreds of camera along the route?” How are we supposed to take the globalist threat seriously when they can’t even get this right.
  • In the space of few hundred words, InfoWars can’t decide if the media is merely useful idiots or direct co-conspirators. First, the site says the bomb threat at the courthouse after the attack was a pretext to “distract the media,” but states that the “government … ordered the corporate media to ignore the Plan A.” But if you can simply order the media to do anything you want, why create a distraction? Why bother with any of this, really? Just order the media to make the whole thing up, catch the fall guy right away, then kick up your feet with a hot cup of global enslavement and wash it down with some mind-controlling fluoridated water. It’s these kind of internal consistencies that really take the reader out the story.

Beyond this, let’s just step back for a moment and take a look at the overall concept. For a compelling narrative, you need a capable and scary villain, but these guys sound like the wet bandits of megalomaniacal cabals. They have the most powerful people in the world — including the media — in their camp, and they can’t even come up with a compelling coverup, let alone remember to take their baseball caps off?

And when exactly does the cabal cash in on all these false flags? If there were black helicopters, now seems like a pretty good time to deploy them. And maybe they shouldn’t have let that gun control bill die in the Senate this week, considering that gun control is a central part of their agenda.

And I’m having trouble getting into the heads of the globalists here — what’s the motivation? They’re already rich and powerful and can do pretty much whatever they want, so why bother going through all the trouble of depopulating the world? At their current rate of success, they’ll all be dead before they even have a chance to enjoy their handiwork. And why not stage more devastating attacks? Pretend to kidnap the president and demand Congress pass the “Repeal the Bill of Rights Act of 2013.” This is truly the most pathetic globalist conspiracy ever.

Any aspiring screenwriter in a hovel in West Hollywood worth his weight in bartending tips could come up with a more convincing plotline. Michael Bay is laughing at you somewhere. We expect more from you, Alex — you didn’t become the nation’s most trusted conspiracy theorist for nothing. Try harder next time.

And a word for Jones’ fans: You say you’re all about questioning authority and dismantling spoon-fed narratives, but you’d have to be more gullible than a Prole at the Ministry of Truth to believe this crap.

WAKE UP, PEOPLE! YOU ARE THE SHEEPLE AND ALEX JONES IS YOUR BIG BROTHER.

Alex Seitz-Wald

Alex Seitz-Wald is Salon's political reporter. Email him at aseitz-wald@salon.com, and follow him on Twitter @aseitzwald.

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