Tucker Carlson's "uptight" rules: His wisdom on single parenthood and statutory rape

Carlson thinks we're too uptight about kids, except when it comes to single parents. Then we aren't uptight enough!

Published August 4, 2014 5:02PM (EDT)

Tucker Carlson                      (Fox News)
Tucker Carlson (Fox News)

Tucker Carlson and the hosts of "Fox & Friends" would like everyone to stop judging parents. "We're uptight about kids in this almost hysterical way, this overbearing way that's bad for them," Carlson said on Monday. "And haven't you noticed that everyone is becoming more judgmental about the way you parent," co-host Anna Kooimin chimed in.

See that? Everyone just needs to chill! There is no one way to raise a child, man! But there are limits to Fox News' "Free to Be You And Me" campaign for parents, of course. At least, when it comes to having a child when you're not married. Then you deserve a lot of judgment because you are committing "the ultimate in negligence," according to Carlson.

Before giving his what's the deal with this helicopter parenting thing speech, Carlson declared that "having kids without being married" is "the ultimate in negligence." He doesn't even need to know anything else about your circumstances, style of parenting or relationship with your children because he already knows everything. If you are a parent right now and do not have a wedding ring on your finger, you are definitely hurting your child. Case closed! You get nothing! You lose! Good day, sir! (Or ma'am, as it were, since most single-parent families in the United States are headed by single mothers.)

Now most of us know better than to take Carlson's parenting advice seriously because he has outrageously bad judgment and is in general a real garbage brain. If one were to write a parenting book based on wisdom dispensed during Carlson's appearances on Fox News, it would include the following insights:

Being a single parent is the ultimate act of negligence.

Reporting statutory rape means you're whiny.

Being sexually assaulted or harassed as a teenage boy is the greatest thing that will ever happen to a teenage boy.

Young boys should feel humiliated if they get assaulted or bullied by a female partner.

I mean, what would you even call that book? "Get Married Before You Have Kids and That Is All That Matters but Also Do Not Raise Your Sons to Have Feelings or Sexual Boundaries but Do Teach Them to Blame Themselves if They Are Ever Sexually Assaulted," by Tucker Carlson.

How is it even possible to think these things without immediately being struck by lightning or otherwise smote by the universe?

h/t Media Matters

By Katie McDonough

Katie McDonough is Salon's politics writer, focusing on gender, sexuality and reproductive justice. Follow her on Twitter @kmcdonovgh or email her at kmcdonough@salon.com.

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