Donald Trump (AP/Chris Pizzello)

What would Donald Trump porn even look like?

We mourn the wacky copycat adult sites that will never be, thanks to paranoid pre-emptive .porn domain buys


Tracy Clark-Flory
March 26, 2015 2:00AM (UTC)

News broke this week that Taylor Swift’s team had purchased domains in her name that end in .porn and .adult. The move is presumably meant to prevent trolly adult sites from profiting off of the 25-year-old’s fame, and it’s something ICM Registry, which operates those sexy domain suffixes, is allowing trademark holders to do before opening it up to the general public.

Swift’s name has sure made for good headlines, which is perhaps why ICM’s CEO revealed it to CNN Money -- after all, the company does benefit from increased attention to the idea that people are defensively buying .porn domains. But reserved .porn and .adult domains are actually searchable via the ICM website, which is how I found a whole bunch of brands, and a few celebrities, who have purchased their very own porn domains. You’ll find the most notable -- in most cases notably bizarre -- examples below.

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BarackObama.porn

What exactly would this site have looked like? Just a bunch of photos of Barack Obama grinning adorably at his wife -- or maybe a wall of GIFs of him shirtless on a Hawaiian beach?

McDonalds.porn

Riiight, like a McDonald's porn site was a realistic threat. Wait, hold on, I forgot about Rule 34 of the Internet: Just did a search for "McDonald's porn" and Pornhub does indeed have a whole page of it. Titles include, "McDonalds Manager Sucks A Mean Dick," "Two blonde sucking dick in a McDonald's toilet" and "Mcdonalds clerk flashing!" If fast-food burger joint porn is your thing, fear not: BurgerKing.porn is still available!

DonaldTrump.porn

I AM NOT EVEN MAKING THIS UP. I searched for so, so many .porn domains bearing popular female celebrity names -- JenniferLawrence.porn, KimKardashian.porn, AngelinaJolie.porn -- and they haven't been purchased yet. But DonaldTrump.porn? By god, Trump's people are on it.

Facebook.porn

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No paranoia in this preemptive purchase: This domain definitely would have ended up a revenge porn site.

Twitter.porn

Ditto. Although I suppose this site could have become repository for obscene cartoon renderings of the Twitter bird? The Internet, man.

Target.porn

This obviously would have ended up as a site consisting of depraved videos in which unsuspecting shoppers go into Target to buy toothpaste and leave with 50 other things they suddenly realized they "needed," right?

BestBuy.porn

Oh, the places people can stick their smartphones, amiright?

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Tracy Clark-Flory

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