5 worst right-wing moments of the week -- Peggy Noonan makes a Dominican friend

The WSJ columnist shares a bizarre deli anecdote, while Bill O'Reilly performs new feats of mental gymnastics

Published August 31, 2015 11:13AM (EDT)

This article originally appeared on AlterNet.

AlterNet 1. Words come out of Ben Carson’s mouth that appear to make no sense.

Given his history of bizarre utterances, it should not come as a surprise that Ben Carson gave a speech on the steps of the Arkansas Capitol in Little Rock on Thursday that made somewhere between little and no sense. He talked about troublemakers (apparently meaning Democrats) who keep saying Republicans are waging a war on women.

"They tell you that there’s a war on women," said Carson, according to RawStory. "There is no war on women. There may be a war on what’s inside of women, but there is no war on women in this country."

Whatever could he mean? What part of women’s insides is there a war on? Is he admitting that there is a war on women’s uteruses? How is that an acceptable thing? And how do you make laws about women’s uteruses that are separate from laws about women? Sometimes babies are inside women. Is he saying there is a war on babies? Why?

Carson managed not to make a hell of a lot of sense on other topics as well. It’s that free-ranging, free-associating mind of his. He talked about how in the good ol' days, immigrants worked 10-12 hours a day when there was no minimum wage, and apparently that was a good thing. And before that, he pointed out, “other immigrants came here involuntarily in the bottom of slave ships, worked even longer, even harder for less.”

As if that too was a good thing. Slavery, just another fun plucky part of making America great.

“But they [slaves, he means] too had a dream that one day their great grandsons and great granddaughters might pursue freedom and prosperity in this land.”

That is just flabbergastingly batsh*t crazy! Does he realize that people can hear him when he is talking?

He also suggested that a good way to destroy this country would be to invite people here from other nations and give them free phones.

Small reminder here, this guy may not be Trump, but his poll numbers are rising.

2. Bill O’Reilly performs another ridiculous feat of mental contortionism.

Not to state the glaringly obvious, but Bill O’Reilly is kind of a dick. As with just about every other news event that ever happens, he used the Roanoke, Virginia murders to once again blame secular progressives for all the ills that plague America. Not guns or lack of decent mental healthcare; lack of Jesus.

His argument was that religious people don’t commit these mass murders and suicides.

Hmmmm. A passing acquaintance with the history of murderous mayhem would indicate otherwise. But never mind. O’Reilly wants you to stop talking when he is talking, especially if you don’t completely agree with what he is saying, which is that there is a war on Christianity, and that war is what creates people like Vester Flanagan, the man who shot and killed two broadcasters on television, then later killed himself.

Got that? It’s all the atheists’ fault.

“Can you point to one mass murderer who had a religion-based philosophy?” he belligerently asked his guest.

Wait, how is it that people who kill abortion doctors don’t count? Or that Christian organization, the KKK? Did anyone question the crazy shootercurrently on trial for trying to massacre Jewish people in Kansas about his religious beliefs?

When the therapist tried to answer that spiritual belief is not really a guarantor against mental illness, O’Reilly said, “Stop talking when I’m talking,” just in case we all forgot he was a dick.

“Every single murderer has been atheistic or non-religious,” he spewed. “The secular society does not value life. Just look at Planned Parenthood. When you have a society that mocks religion.”

There it is. The Planned Parenthood connection.

Wait, you don’t think he was looking for an excuse to demonize Planned Parenthood, do you?

3. Chris Christie tosses out a great idea for dealing with undocumented immigrants! 

Strikingly unpopular New Jersey governor Chris Christie still thinks he just might be president. He was enjoying a little townhall meeting Saturday morning when he had one of his patented, off-the-cuff, light-bulb moments. As president, he fantasized, he would hire the founder of FedEx to track undocumented immigrants the way FedEx tracks packages.

Great idea! Not at all dehumanizing, either. Packages, people...what’s the difference? It’s that sort of innovative thinking that has resulted in New Jersey’s economy being in the toilet during Christie’s tenure.

Now, if someone could just figure out a way to place a barcode on people crossing the border.

4. Pat Robertson has figured out the culprit for this week’s stock market volatility.

Not many people are familiar with Pat Robertson’s financial knowhow. Turns out he is an expert on international stock market volatility, and unlike Donald Trump, he does not think it’s all China’s fault. No, the blame for the stock market dive early in the week is both more local and more otherworldly.

According to Robertson, God in his infinite wisdom and abundant free time is messing with the stock market to punish wicked Americans for having legalized abortions.

“We will pay dearly as a nation for this thing going on,” Robertson, having some slight word retrieval problems. By “this thing going on,” he meant the Obama administration’s support for Planned Parenthood and women’s healthcare. “And possibly if we were to stop all this slaughter the judgment of God might be lifted from us. But it’s coming, ladies and gentlemen. We just had a little taste of it in terms of the financial system, but it’s going to be shaken to its core in the next few months, years, or however long it takes and it will hurt every one of us.”

His advice seemed to be to pull your money out of the market and place it in the hands of God, who can be reached care of Pat Robertson, coincidentally.

5. Peggy Noonan has a Dominican friend and now she understands how Hispanics think.

Big news: Former Reagan speechwriter, Upper East Side-dweller Peggy Noonan has met a Spanish-speaking person. Exactly one, as far as anyone knows. Oh wait, she might have met a Mexican person once. Now she is a true expert on Spanish-speaking people and their politics.

Peggy’s new bestie is named Cesar and he works at her deli. He’s all the proof she needs that Trump has no problem with the Hispanic community whatsoever. Forget all those poll numbers.

Here is what Noonan wrote about Cesar so trenchantly in her Wall Street Journal column on Friday:

My friend Cesar works the deli counter at my neighborhood grocery store. He is Dominican, an immigrant, early 50s, and listens most mornings to a local Hispanic radio station, La Mega, on 97.9 FM. Their morning show is the popular “El Vacilón de la Mañana,” and after the first GOP debate, Cesar told me, they opened the lines to call-ins, asking listeners (mostly Puerto Rican, Dominican, Mexican) for their impressions. More than half called in to say they were for Mr. Trump. Their praise, Cesar told me a few weeks ago, dumbfounded the hosts. I later spoke to one of them, who identified himself as D.J. New Era. He backed Cesar’s story. “We were very surprised,” at the Trump support, he said. Why? “It’s a Latin-based market!”

Can't wait until Peggy meets a black person. Maybe even an Asian person!

By Janet Allon

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Alternet Ben Carson Bill O'reilly Dominican Republic Peggy Noonan