With Donald Trump absent from the Fox News debate stage tonight, viewers were treated to significantly less verbal jousting and tweetable moments, leaving our favorite #GOPDebate live-tweeter deliriously bored but still plenty funny.
In the end, Patton Oswalt imagined his own hilarious closing statements for the Republican presidential candidates:
Well, here we go on another #GOPDebate. Probably gonna talk abOH MY FUCKING GOD PLEASE DON'T LET ANY OF THESE MAN-ORCS GET ELECTED.
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) January 29, 2016
Did Mondrian design this backdrop? Holy fuck-nuts these guys are boring. #GOPDebate
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) January 29, 2016
If I may quote the immortal Otto & George (RIP): This is so boring the coffee fell asleep. #GOPDebate
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) January 29, 2016
Guys, stop saying each others' names! It gives the others a chance to respond! Use goofy nicknames! #GOPDebate
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) January 29, 2016
These fucking guys. They're all so broken. You can see the middle school lunch room beatings and their plans for revenge. #GOPDebate
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) January 29, 2016
Just stuck my head out my hotel window and I literally heard women's vagina's going dry as these guys gab about abortion. #GOPDebate
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) January 29, 2016
Megyn Kelly is beautiful in that way where you're waiting for her to unhinge her jaw and swallow a mongoose. #GOPDebate
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) January 29, 2016
Something we've "never seen before" at a #GOPDebate? Could Megyn be referring to…sanity? #GOPDebate
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) January 29, 2016
With Donald. the #GOPDebate is grotesque, unstable and hateful. Without him the #GOPDebate is only hateful.
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) January 29, 2016
"Jimmy Carter" is these assholes' code word for "pussy." #GOPDebate
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) January 29, 2016
How ya gonna deal with Vladimir Putin? With shootin', ass-bootin' or root-a-ma-hootin'? #GOPDebate
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) January 29, 2016
Oh wow, fuck you Christie. Pandering, lying shit-tractor. #GOPDebate
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) January 29, 2016
I hope they show embarrassing video of Velvet Rims, Chris Christie's shitty Springsteen tribute band! #GOPDebate
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) January 29, 2016
"Chris Christie, how do you react to news that Paul Kantner has died?" "Well, that's another reason why Hillary's a bitch…" #GOPDebate
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) January 29, 2016
Wow. Christie getting boos for going after Hillary's e-mails. Beautiful. #GOPDebate
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) January 29, 2016
Wallace: Why do people immediately hate you?
Cruz: It saves time. (tip of the hat to Rip Taylor) #GOPDebate— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) January 29, 2016
Oh, I think you've had some "man dates", Ted.
Fuck, I'm tired. That sucked. This whole thing is boring I'm sorry. #GOPDebate
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) January 29, 2016
How did we "win" the Gulf War if it led to the creation of ISIS? #GOPDebate
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) January 29, 2016
Hey, every time someone brings up GWB and the unnecessary Iraq War? The boos should be for GWB, not the person bringing it up. #GOPDebate
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) January 29, 2016
He's still Jebby from the Block! #PuertoRico #GOPDebate
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) January 29, 2016
"I've been to Ferguson and, as my dad would say, 'Holy moly lotta blacks there.'" — Rand Paul #GOPDebate
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) January 29, 2016
"I miss cutting into eyeballs. I love it. Cutting. Eyes. Into eyes." — Rand Paul #closingstatements #GOPDebate
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) January 29, 2016
"…but the most crucial secret for our survival is — *DING DING DING* — John Kasich #closingstatements #GOPDebate
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) January 29, 2016
"Mohammad Atta tried to fly a plane into my wife on 9/11." — Chris Christie #closingstatements #GOPDebate
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) January 29, 2016
"I will (gnnnuh) defeat (gnuhl) Hillary." — Jeb Bush #closingstatements #GOPDebate #seriouslywhatthefuckwerethosethroatnoises
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) January 29, 2016
"I'm going to try reciting The Preamble without singing it like I learned on Schoolhouse Rock." — Ben Carson #closingstatments #GOPDebate
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) January 29, 2016
"A soft, moist flap of skin. It can hang from anywhere on your body. Moist, Flap," — Ted Cruz #closingstatements #GOPDebate
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) January 29, 2016
"I'm going to live in heaven forever with David Bowie." — Marco Rubio #closingstatements #GOPDebate
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) January 29, 2016
Based on the # of likes/RTs people are getting tonight compared to the other nights live Tweeting the #GOPDebate? NO ONE'S WATCHING.
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) January 29, 2016
