Donald Trump (Reuters/Dominick Reuter)

How Donald Trump will spend the first 100 days after the election

Banished to the Malignant Narcissist wing of a local psych center, a never-defeated Trump plans his next moves


Bill Scheft
October 29, 2016 10:00PM (UTC)

Mr. Trump’s outline for his first 100 Days in the Malignant Narcissist Wing of Long Island Non-Jewish Psychiatric Resort-Casino begins on Day 6. For the first three days, arm restraints forced him to try and learn to tweet with his tongue. It took an additional 48 hours before he realized the cellphone he had been given upon admittance was made of plastic. Chinese plastic. Since then, all detailed policy positions have been dictated to the night janitorial staff.

The positions and updates will be posted, unfiltered, on the new Trump website just as soon as Barron, who is great on the computer, gets rights to the domain name didIcallitorwhat?.com. Until then, peruse and devour them here:

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DAY 6: Other than Sean Hannity, who I’m told is on another floor, there is no media here. It’s like a vacation. That said, don’t believe the reports you’ve heard about me being under the observation of four doctors. There were at least 3,000 here yesterday, but they never show the crowd.

DAY 7: Come up with six pilot ideas for “Trump TV,” and three pilot ideas for Mike Pence.

DAY 12: Replace “Repeal and Replace Obamacare” with “Repeal Obamacare except for that Mental Health Parity Act.” That dopey Paul Wellstone pushed the bill through the Senate after he died (FRAUD!), but it turns out it’s paying for my entire stay here, plus unlimited buckets on the driving range.

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DAY 18: Immediately create one million new low-paying jobs in the seamstress industry which will re-stitch my remaining hat inventory to reflect new slogan: MEDICATE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!

DAY 21: Simplify tax code by reconfiguring it to represent the minimum required amount of Thorazine in bloodstream. Under the Trump plan, there would be four brackets: None, 15 percent, 25 percent, Gary Busey.

DAY 27: Begin construction on a wall across the Southern Border of the North Ward here, separating Paranoia from Schizophrenia. And, believe me, I will get GlaxoSmithKline to pay for it.

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Right now, we have one door with a flimsy lock. One of Roger Stone’s dominatrixes could pick that lock. Not good enough.

Let me tell you something. There are two million undocumented personalities here. Minimum. They roam the halls and terrorize the people who just want to terrorize themselves and their families. And they steal my Jello. They have to go. Folks, we either have a Cuckoo’s Nest or we don’t.

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DAY 34: I will submit a revised list to the Supreme Court of 11 qualified pharmacists. I want people, and I think the people want people, who interpret the PDR as it was written. Who disregard side effects for what they are, some biased lab rat’s crooked scam. By the way, Hillary Clinton, who only won because her supporters were allowed to fill out ballots in triplicate, not only wants to abolish the Second Amendment, she wants to take away your Trazodone.

DAY 47-54: Holidays on Isis. Take it from crazy, want to drive people crazy? Ignore them. So, that’s what we do with ISIS. We act like they’re not there. Completely disregard their existence. Where’d they go? They’re gone. We won. Drive safely. I developed this plan myself in two parts. The first part came to me in group therapy, when I had to sit there and listen to losers. Why? Why do I have to listen when it has nothing to do with me? The second part happened this morning, when they came to get me for group therapy and I had combed my hair in front of my face and hid in the utility closet as a Swiffer attachment. By the way, the Swiffer pole is the only one I take seriously now.

DAY 57-59: Begin outreach to black orderlies. It’s a disaster. A resident runs out of the TV room and bites you, he gets a shot. Why can’t you sue this guy? What do you have to lose?

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DAY 72 (January 20, 2017): Try to chill. (If you still don’t think the system is rigged, check out the first three letters of “Librium.”)

DAY 76: Announce Trump-Major Energy Independence Initiative. The second night I was here, my first roommate, who called himself The Major, told me he had invented a car that ran entirely on urine. At first, I thought he was nuts. Rand Paul nuts. But when I asked him how you could do that, make a car that runs on urine, he said, “You just isolate the nitrogen molecule. They sell the kit at Sears for seven bucks.” And we went back and forth about how this solves everything. Good guy. And he showed me the patent, which took up, like 20-25 paper slippers. So, it’s legit. Then he agreed to take me on as his partner. Now, The Major got moved out the following day (after Ben Carson’s anesthetist got me a private room), but the next time I see him at moccasin-craft, we’re going to hammer the rest out. This is like printing your own money. I mean our own money. Think about it. Instead of China pissing us off, we off-piss to China!

DAY 90: I will officially withdraw all threats, empty or otherwise, of litigation against any woman who claims I was inappropriate sexually. After three months walking around here wearing only clothing that opens in the back, I get it. Even though none of the incidents never happened, I never met any of you and it’s all lies, I get it.

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DAY 91-98: Thanks to my imaginary deportation force looking the other way, 100 Mexicans will begin digging escape tunnel.

DAY 99: I’m back on the street. Ahead of schedule and under budget!


Bill Scheft

Bill Scheft was a staff writer for David Letterman from 1991-2015. His fourth novel, "Shrink Thyself," was published in 2014.

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