Christmas 2016 has fallen upon us as we slowly heal from the most painful election in millennial history. A huge chunk of liberals, independents and even some Republicans — along with many of the 65,844,954 people who voted for Hillary Clinton — are struggling to get into the holiday spirit. And rightfully so, since their candidate won the popular vote by 2.9 million, yet our flawed system will keep her out of White House where she belongs.
In hopes of shedding light on this tragic era in American history, I’d like to offer some holiday suggestions for the many blocs of voters who will be forced to live under President Donald Trump. (Yeah, it feels weird typing it, let alone saying it out loud.)
For Donald Trump
Stop using the word "tremendous." There are plenty of thesaurus apps with a tremendous number of alternatives.
Administer reparations to all African-Americans — except Ben Carson, Stacey Dash and Raven Symoné. You know we built this country and you know racist policies have oppressed us in every social and economic category. I could use the money and it’s the right thing to do.
Apologize to the many women you’ve been accused of sexually assaulting.
Admit Jesus was black, as that may get you in to heaven. (Probably not, but it’s worth a shot.)
According to Donald Trump we all live in hell, so I guess it can’t really get any worse. You can only go up from there! So I advise that you stay black, as I am an expert on blackness. And if you can, figure out a way to be more black because that’s what we have to hold onto. There will be no initiatives from the White House to support anything we do over the next for years.
For Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders
You guys are funny as hell; I think you should start a podcast. Maybe you can call it Hot Sauce in Vermont or the Pantsuit Berns?
All jokes aside, you guys ran amazing campaigns and I hope your leadership and insight will help the left snatch back the White House in 2020.
Trump has proven himself to be a pathological liar, so I don’t think that wall is going up. I hope you really enjoy the holidays, eat great food with family members and have a bunch of fun. And if Trump actually tries to build his wall, just know you’ll have a immense number of black, white, Asian and Native American friends ready to help you tear it down.
For hardworking white people
Congratulations, hardworking white people, you played yourself! I hope you enjoy this Christmas and really live it up because nothing is going to change and you really won't have anything to celebrate next year. Trump promised more jobs for you, then appointed Andrew Puzder to head the Labor Department, a dude who's in love with replacing human jobs with robots.
I would advise that you stop being racist because it’s a waste of time. And if you aren’t racist, then I advise that you stop supporting racists because it’s making you look racist.
Stop waiting for Trump to bring back jobs and learn how to fix computers and get A+ certified or something. Tech is everything and someone is going to have to fix the robots responsible for taking your jobs.
For the white liberals
Keep the pumpkin spice flowing and the craft cocktails coming. You’ll be OK. Trump is in for four years, but you plenty of time to game plan for 2020.
In the meantime, buy your black friends some nice gifts, just in case we get kicked out of America. I’ll recommend shea butter, passport-protecting cases and those annoying airport neck pillows for those who are shipping out and skin bleaching cream and L.L. Bean gift cards for those who are going to try to stay in this country.
For the Obamas
Wising you a very Merry Christmas. The last eight years were rocky, amazing, beautiful and transformative at the same time. We thank you for your service and hope you continue to do the real work after you leave office.
Everyone, I hope you take this very seriously as I’ve done the research for you. And please, laugh, love — and happy holidays to all. Regardless of what your politics or ideologies are, we all need each other.
Peace and blessings, from me to you.