Memorial Day weekend is upon us, and it should be a time to put down the phone (good luck with that), find a warm spot outdoors and grill some burgers. With events of this past week making our stomachs turn, I don't blame you if you’ve lost your appetite. Or maybe you need to embrace the Greatest Reality Show of Our Times and serve your family the Trump Burger.
Truth be told, I’m a known patty purist and really don't want you to make this burger. But if you must, here are a few guidelines for what should make for the perfect burger celebrating our crumbling presidency.
The most important factor to any great burger is of course the beef. After years of research I’ve concluded that a true proletarian/roots burger should be made with good old, always available and affordable 80/20 ground chuck. But not for this burger. You’ll need to get your hands on some overpriced ground Kobe beef. That’s because Kobe sounds fancy, costs way more than chuck, and when ground up and grilled tastes exactly the same as a chuck burger (for the record, Kobe should be enjoyed sliced thin, raw and dipped in some soy sauce). But you’ll be able to brag to your friends that you used expensive Kobe.
Make sure to also grill your burger patty to a crisp. No pink should be visible inside because, as we know, our fearless leader enjoys his beef cooked through.
The bun, always important as a delivery system for the good news that’s coming, should be small and slider-sized. Why? So that in tiny hands this thing looks “YUUGE.” Toppings are obviously important, and a friend of mine suggested Cheetos on top (which actually sounds pretty tasty). We could also sneak in a few Mexican jalapeños -- and of course the entire thing is swimming in a collusion of Russian Dressing.
This sounds like a mess, but I have a solution — spear the entire pile of goodness with a long American flag toothpick, because that’s the sobering reality of what will happen to this presidency. And when you realize that the Frankenstein burger you’ve assembled with bad advice is a hot, disorganized mess, impeach the thing and go back to what you know works.
Or maybe you should just grill hot dogs this weekend.