SALON TALKS

How to argue safely in a relationship

We all know those couples who argue all the time and still make it work. Rhetoric expert Jay Heinrichs explains how

By D. Watkins

Editor at Large

Published September 19, 2017 7:58AM (EDT)

 (Getty Images)
(Getty Images)

The one thing I have mastered in life is the art of destroying a romantic relationship. No matter how hard I try, I always seem to mess things up. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not afraid of commitment. And I try to avoid unnecessary conflict. However, my inability to communicate effectively has been cited as a primary reason for my failed partnerships. I didn’t know I wasn’t using rhetoric as effectively as I could have until master rhetorician Jay Heinrichs, author of "Thank You for Arguing," stopped by the Salon studio with some insights on how simply rearranging your words can save a relationship.

Heinrichs has traveled the world as a presenter and persuasion guru, and his books are used to teach the construction of successful arguments in classrooms across the country. He says the amount of time a couple spends arguing isn't necessarily an indicator of whether or not they'll stay together.

“The difference is that the couples who break apart fight. They don’t try to set a goal for what they are trying to achieve,” Heinrichs told me during an episode of "Salon Talks."

“They don’t try to make choices together; they just try to prove that the other is a jerk."

That approach isn't just unkind. Heinrichs says it runs counter to his "mantra" of rhetoric.

"It’s not about you; it’s about your audience, which can be just one person — their beliefs and expectations, what they desire.”

Watch the full "Salon Talks" conversation on Facebook.

Tune into Salon's live shows, "Salon Talks" and "Salon Stage," daily at noon ET / 9 a.m. PT and 4 p.m. ET /1 p.m. PT, streaming live on Salon and on Facebook.


By D. Watkins

D. Watkins is an Editor at Large for Salon. He is also a writer on the HBO limited series "We Own This City" and a professor at the University of Baltimore. Watkins is the author of the award-winning, New York Times best-selling memoirs “The Beast Side: Living  (and Dying) While Black in America”, "The Cook Up: A Crack Rock Memoir," "Where Tomorrows Aren't Promised: A Memoir of Survival and Hope" as well as "We Speak For Ourselves: How Woke Culture Prohibits Progress." His new books, "Black Boy Smile: A Memoir in Moments," and "The Wire: A Complete Visual History" are out now.

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Authors Books Jay Heinrichs Original Video Relationships Salon Talks Thank You For Arguing