(In this brand new, hastily conceived premise, Salon will use the otherwise unlimited space of the site to profile a person in the news who has, until recently, lived largely under the radar. And by under the radar, we mean above gratuitous satire.)
FULL NAME: Hope Hush Hush Sweet Charlotte Hicks
OCCUPATION: White House Director of Communications
LAST HOPE STANDING: Hicks, 28, is Donald Trump’s longest-serving political aide. You know, if you don’t count Sergei Kislyak or the freeze-dried taxidermy of Roy Cohn’s cat, Chairman Meow.
She joined the Trump Organization in August 2014. Originally, she worked for Ivanka Trump’s fashion label, modeling for her online store from sundown Friday to sundown Saturday.
Five months later, Trump named her press secretary for his possible presidential run. During the campaign, Hicks handed over 250 press requests per day, plus 500 past-due invoices from contractors.
She also took dictation from her boss to post on his official Twitter account. Trump’s very first tweet (since deleted) was “Watson, come here. I want to fire you!” Trump was finally able to tweet for himself when Hicks convinced him to upgrade from his cell phone with the rotary dial.
To date, Trump has used six people to dictate and send out tweets from his official account during the day. Five are currently on leave recovering from carpal tunnel surgery.
NEW GIG CITY: Hicks succeeded Anthony Scaramucci Aug. 16 as interim communications director. Scaramucci held the job nine days, and was unable to get the cleaning deposit back on his mouth. She was officially named White House Communications Director Sept. 12, which the Trump administration strategically timed to give Lorne Michaels less than a week to decide which male "SNL" cast member would play her.
Hicks’ salary is the White House staff maximum $179,000 a year, plus the promise from the National Weather Service that no tropical storm will be named after her.
Earlier this month, Hicks retained representation after it was revealed that Special Counsel Robert Mueller would question her in relation to the Trump-Russia investigation. She will be advised by a personal attorney/personal shopper.
Turns out there were two wiretaps of former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort. The first one malfunctioned when an FBI agent said, “Alexa, stop eavesdropping and play some smooth jazz.”
MODEL UPBRINGING: Hicks was born and raised in Greenwich, Connecticut. Her parents, both Congressional aides, met in 1981 at a joint session address by new president Ronald Reagan. The theme of the address was “Make American Grecian Formula 16 Again!”
At the age of 11, Hicks started modeling, first, for Ralph Lauren as part of his campaign for kids, “Tickle Me Polo,” then as the face of the Hourglass Adventures, a series of novels about a time-traveling 10-year-old. Sadly, the time machine went into the future, but stopped just before Nov. 8, 2016.
HICKS ON PRESIDENT TRUMP (mostly from a May 2017 article in the Washington Post): “President Trump has a magnetic personality and exudes positive energy, which is infectious to those around him. . . .He has built great relationships throughout his life and treats everyone with respect. He is brilliant with a great sense of humor. . . and an amazing ability to make people feel special and aspire to more than even they thought possible. . . . And speaking of more than you even thought possible, the Trump International Hotel in Washington, D.C., now includes unlimited free wi-fi for just $45 a day, and a free breakfast buffet for all Dreamers with a valid departure boarding pass.”
PRESIDENT TRUMP ON HICKS: “Great girl. Great. Great girl. I know you’re not supposed to say ‘girl’ anymore, but this is something we’re working on. You know how we’re renovating The Wall? We’re renovating the English language as well. You know we’re renovating The Wall, don’t you? Yeah. It’s called a renovation. And next week, I got a couple of guys coming into the Oval Office with some stone samples. The good stuff. Not siding. That’s what the Mexicans were trying to slip by me. This is why I had to oversee the renovation. And the guys who are coming by with the samples? They’re regular guys, too. Not queers. How about how they don’t mind 'queer' all of a sudden? When did that happen? And I didn’t have to sign an executive order or anything. I think some people heard I was gonna sign one, and a bunch of them met and said, ‘Let’s give him this.’ I’d thank them, but that would show weakness. It’s not a deal when you say thank you. It’s a rollover. It’s your first night in prison. You don’t say thank you. You’re welcome? That’s fine. Like you’re welcome for all the free publicity, Elton John. You’re welcome for everyone no longer mispronouncing your country’s name, Nambia. You’re welcome, Sean Spicer, for $594 you got from AFTRA for appearing on the loser Emmys. Emmy. Girl’s name. Yeah, I said it again. Go ahead. Call the manager.”
NICE CREDIT: In January, Hicks was named as one of Forbes' “30 under 30.” The following week, Barron’s named her to its first-ever list,“25 under 25-inch waist,” along with Kellyanne Conway and Jared Kushner.
MERIT-BASED PARKWAY: Hicks regularly commutes between Greenwich and an apartment in Trump Tower, where her boss has a Miss Universe No-Knock Warrant.