2014's fast food atrocities
Burger King's black cheeseburger: Made with squid ink and bamboo charcoal, arguably a symbol of meat's destructive effect on the planet. Only available in Japan.
Everyone knows that men drink beer for its fine texture, its smooth, deep complexion, and a third thing. Meanwhile, us women drink beer when the bottle matches our dresses and brings out our eyes, or when they run out of kamikaze shots at the sports bar we’re sitting in, trying to meet men.
That was actually supposed to be a joke, but then I read the thought process that went into designing the new Carlsberg Copenhagen, a beer designed to appeal to both men and the little ladies:
“We can see that there are a number of consumers, especially women, who are very aware of design when they choose beverage products,” Jeanette Elgaard Carlsson, international innovation director at Carlsberg, says on the brewer’s website. “There may be situations where they are standing in a bar and want their drinks to match their style. In this case, they may well reject a beer if the design does not appeal to them.”
Strangely, Carlsberg designers forgot the most important part when creating a beer for the fairer sex, which is that it must have zero calories and taste like carbonated strawberries.
To get both men and women on board, the Denmark company created a drink that looks half like a Corona (currently the only beer enjoyed by by women, besides Miller High Life), and half like something fancy you’d drink in Europe. (Women love Europe!) Then throw a bunch of vague adjectives that men think make the beer sound “sexy,” and women will think applies to them while drinking the beer. Voila! Gender neutral suds!
See, ladies, in this scenario, you are what you drink. Easy to embrace. A natural beauty that needs no makeup. Blond is the new black (sorry, brunettes!). This beer is speaking to your style, girlfriends!
Guys, you can continue to drink whatever is cheapest or tastes best.
Domino's Specialty Chicken: It's like regular pizza, except instead of a crust, there's fried chicken. The company's marketing officer calls it "one of the most creative, innovative menu items we have ever had” -- brain power put to good use.
KFC'S ZINGER DOUBLE DOWN KING: A sandwich made by adding a burger patty to the infamous chicken-instead-of-buns creation can only be described using all caps. NO BUN ALL MEAT. Only available in South Korea.
Taco Bell's Waffle Taco: It took two years for Taco Bell to develop this waffle folded in the shape of a taco, the stand-out star of its new breakfast menu.
Krispy Kreme Triple Cheeseburger: Only attendees at the San Diego County Fair were given the opportunity to taste the official version of this donut-hamburger-heart attack combo. The rest of America has reasonable odds of not dropping dead tomorrow.
Taco Bell's Quesarito: A burrito wrapped in a quesadilla inside an enigma. Quarantined to one store in Oklahoma City.