SALON

Thursday, Jan 17, 2013 8:06 PM UTC

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s sad-sack return

I dreamt that the action star went into politics, and then staged a movie comeback at age 65. Silly, I know

By

Topics: Movies, Action movies, Arnold Schwarzenegger, The Last Stand, California,

Arnold Schwarzenegger's sad-sack return Arnold Schwarzenegger in "The Last Stand"

So I just saw the latest Arnold Schwarzenegger movie, “The Last Stand,” in which the 65-year-old one-time bodybuilding champ tries to stage yet another messy, jokey, meta-style comeback. This is a role very much in the mode of Clint Eastwood or Sylvester Stallone – in fact, I kept thinking that Eastwood must have made this film, sometime around 1997 – with Schwarzenegger playing a small-town Arizona sheriff forced to go mano a mano, under exceptionally unlikely circumstances, with an escaped Mexican drug lord. It’s one of those mixed-up Hollywood pictures that has too much going on: It tries to protect the action-hero status of its visibly enfeebled star and it has Johnny Knoxville of “Jackass” in a moronic supporting role and the story doesn’t make any sense and it’s the American debut of whiz-kid Korean action filmmaker Kim Jee-woon (for you film-festival geeks, he made “I Saw the Devil” and “The Good, the Bad, the Weird”).

So to call this a good movie is really a stretch; it’s more like 38 percent of a good movie. But it probably has just enough dumb fun and pointless violence and car chases to seem like a highly viable option for large numbers of people this weekend. Anyway, by this point Schwarzenegger is like an old friend who’s run a bit to seed, and who can resist that? If anything, his acting has gotten worse, which may have to do with whatever work he’s had done on that big Austrian rural rock formation he calls a face. He obviously isn’t quite the imposing physical specimen he used to be, has had some health problems and doesn’t look all that great. But you know exactly what you’re going to get with Arnold, which is ass-kicking, one-liners and a general lack of self-seriousness. Wherever and however he learned it, Schwarzenegger has always had a genial arrogance that audiences eat up: He’s gettin’ paid, he hopes we’re having fun, and he feels no need to pretend that it’s art.

Then I went home and had the weirdest dream! I dreamed that Schwarzenegger, of all showbiz people, had bailed out of his fading Hollywood career and gone into politics, during the nitrous-oxide boom years of the Bush administration. I know this sounds nuts, but in my dream he actually got elected governor of California twice, the first time in a crazy special election that cost the taxpayers of that perennially strapped state tons of extra money. Here’s the part of my dream that was weirdly almost like reality: While Schwarzenegger remained personally popular as governor, his attempts to enact a right-wing agenda totally failed, and he ended up as a bland bipartisan administrator with a failing marriage who was diminished and defeated by the inexorable realities of politics, no more able to prevail over lobbyists and entrenched interests and legislative gridlock than anybody else. He actually wound up being replaced — in my dream, of course — by Jerry Brown, the one-time Governor Moonbeam of my California childhood. (I was actually Brown’s editor for a little while, when he wrote an opinion column for Spin magazine in the late ’90s, and that was kind of weird, I can tell you. But I digress!)

If this bizarre fantasy were actually real, instead of my brain’s response to a late-night hamburger and that second can of Genesee Cream Ale, it would make the Arnold Schwarzenegger of 2013 a strange and pathetic figure, with his political career over and his days of box-office supremacy long in the past. “The Last Stand” really isn’t much of a movie, with its rote supporting roles for Forest Whitaker (as an FBI honcho), Eduardo Noriega (as the sinister Sinaloa mobster, behind the wheel of a souped-up Corvette show car) and Luis Guzmán (as Arnold’s lovable but hapless sidekick). But Schwarzenegger’s resolute performance in its capable shoot-‘em-up scenes embody the wizened, third-act-of-life defiance that Americans always love. (You just watch: Freakin’ Lance Armstrong, the lying-est cheater of all time, is gonna be dispensing sage advice to young people on TV inside of a year.) It’s almost as if a titanic, unstoppable wave of celebritude had crested, broken and receded, leaving behind a cheerful, elderly Austrian muscleman to make B-grade action movies for people to watch in January.

Andrew O

More Andrew O'Hehir.

You Might Also Like

More Related Stories

Featured Slide Shows

7 motorist-friendly camping sites

close X
  • Share on Twitter
  • Share on Facebook
  • Thumbnails
  • Fullscreen
  • 1 of 9

Sponsored Post

  • White River National Forest via Lower Crystal Lake, Colorado
    For those OK with the mainstream, White River Forest welcomes more than 10 million visitors a year, making it the most-visited recreation forest in the nation. But don’t hate it for being beautiful; it’s got substance, too. The forest boasts 8 wilderness areas, 2,500 miles of trail, 1,900 miles of winding service system roads, and 12 ski resorts (should your snow shredders fit the trunk space). If ice isn’t your thing: take the tire-friendly Flat Tops Trail Scenic Byway — 82 miles connecting the towns of Meeker and Yampa, half of which is unpaved for you road rebels.
    fs.usda.gov/whiteriveryou


    Image credit: Getty

  • Chattahoochee-Oconee National Forest via Noontootla Creek, Georgia
    Boasting 10 wildernesses, 430 miles of trail and 1,367 miles of trout-filled stream, this Georgia forest is hailed as a camper’s paradise. Try driving the Ridge and Valley Scenic Byway, which saw Civil War battles fought. If the tall peaks make your engine tremble, opt for the relatively flat Oconee National Forest, which offers smaller hills and an easy trail to the ghost town of Scull Shoals. Scaredy-cats can opt for John’s Mountain Overlook, which leads to twin waterfalls for the sensitive sightseer in you.
    fs.usda.gov/conf


    Image credit: flickr/chattoconeenf

  • Nordhouse Dunes Wilderness Area via Green Road, Michigan
    The only national forest in Lower Michigan, the Huron-Mainstee spans nearly 1 million acres of public land. Outside the requisite lush habitat for fish and wildlife on display, the Nordhouse Dunes Wilderness Area is among the biggest hooks for visitors: offering beach camping with shores pounded by big, cerulean surf. Splash in some rum and you just might think you were in the Caribbean.
    fs.usda.gov/hmnf


    Image credit: umich.edu

  • Canaan Mountain via Backcountry Canaan Loop Road, West Virginia
    A favorite hailed by outdoorsman and author Johnny Molloy as some of the best high-country car camping sites anywhere in the country, you don’t have to go far to get away. Travel 20 miles west of Dolly Sods (among the busiest in the East) to find the Canaan Backcountry (for more quiet and peace). Those willing to leave the car for a bit and foot it would be remiss to neglect day-hiking the White Rim Rocks, Table Rock Overlook, or the rim at Blackwater River Gorge.
    fs.usda.gov/mnf


    Image credit: Getty

  • Mt. Rogers NRA via Hurricane Creek Road, North Carolina
    Most know it as the highest country they’ll see from North Carolina to New Hampshire. What they may not know? Car campers can get the same grand experience for less hassle. Drop the 50-pound backpacks and take the highway to the high country by stopping anywhere on the twisting (hence the name) Hurricane Road for access to a 15-mile loop that boasts the best of the grassy balds. It’s the road less travelled, and the high one, at that.
    fs.usda.gov/gwj


    Image credit: wikipedia.org

  • Long Key State Park via the Overseas Highway, Florida
    Hiking can get old; sometimes you’d rather paddle. For a weekend getaway of the coastal variety and quieter version of the Florida Keys that’s no less luxe, stick your head in the sand (and ocean, if snorkeling’s your thing) at any of Long Key’s 60 sites. Canoes and kayaks are aplenty, as are the hot showers and electric power source amenities. Think of it as the getaway from the typical getaway.
    floridastateparks.org/longkey/default.cfm


    Image credit: floridastateparks.org

  • Grand Canyon National Park via Crazy Jug Point, Arizona
    You didn’t think we’d neglect one of the world’s most famous national parks, did you? Nor would we dare lead you astray with one of the busiest parts of the park. With the Colorado River still within view of this cliff-edge site, Crazy Jug is a carside camper’s refuge from the troops of tourists. Find easy access to the Bill Hall Trail less than a mile from camp, and descend to get a peek at the volcanic Mt. Trumbull. (Fear not: It’s about as active as your typical lazy Sunday in front of the tube, if not more peaceful.)
    fs.usda.gov/kaibab


    Image credit: flickr/Irish Typepad

  • As the go-to (weekend) getaway car for fiscally conscious field trips with friends, the 2013 MINI Convertible is your campground racer of choice, allowing you and up to three of your co-pilots to take in all the beauty of nature high and low. And with a fuel efficiency that won’t leave you in the latter, you won’t have to worry about being left stranded (or awkwardly asking to go halfsies on gas expenses).


    Image credit: miniusa.com

  • Recent Slide Shows

  • Share on Twitter
  • Share on Facebook
  • Thumbnails
  • Fullscreen
  • 1 of 9

Related Videos

Comments

 25 Comments

Comment Preview

Your name will appear as username ( settings | log out )

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href=""> <b> <em> <strong> <i> <blockquote>

follow salon

Most Read

Popular on Reddit

links from salon.com

vote
Let's Stop Screwing Around and Impeach James Clapper: After lying to Congress about all the different ways the NSA's spying on us, Director of National Intelligence James Clapper lies about how he lied. Call the White House at 202 456-1111 and Tell Obama to Get Rid of Clapper
471 points472 points | 21 comments
vote
Let's Stop Screwing Around and Impeach James Clapper: After lying to Congress about all the different ways the NSA's spying on us, Director of National Intelligence James Clapper lies about how he lied. Call the White House at 202 456-1111 and Tell Obama to Get Rid of Clapper
348 points349 points | 29 comments
vote
Machiavelli doesn’t belong to the 1 percent | "The Prince" is oft-quoted on Wall Street, but its author was a hero of the working class who despised elites
89 points90 points | 33 comments
vote
Yes, there is a better search engine (1998)
89 points90 points | 24 comments
vote
Let's Stop Screwing Around and Impeach James Clapper: After lying to Congress about all the different ways the NSA's spying on us, Director of National Intelligence James Clapper lies about how he lied. Call the White House at 202 456-1111 and Tell Obama to Get Rid of Clapper
79 points80 points | 9 comments

From Around the Web

Presented by Scribol
listener_new_rect The Listener: "The Joker": Laughing at life's deepest sorrows