You, too, can be a campaign reporter!

Nov. 27, 2007 | WASHINGTON -- We, the campaign press corps, need help. We can't do it alone. The campaign season is just too long, too exhausting. It has already been a year of diner food and Iowa sunsets, motel room breakfasts and three-hour bus rides at dawn. Our children don't recognize us. Our husbands and wives won't look us in the eye. Our boyfriends and girlfriends have moved on.

So you must take this test, the second installment of the ACTAT -- Advanced Campaign Trail Aptitude Test. You must score well. Our very democracy depends upon it. If you get a perfect score, you can quit your job and join the circus. We will give up our seats on the bus.* We will join a yoga class, read poetry and talk about our feelings more.

As before, the test is hard. Number a piece of paper 1 to 30. The answers are available on Page 3. If you get every question right, you can have my job.*

*Just kidding.

1. When prompted by a young voter in Exeter, N.H., Rudy Giuliani promised to keep America safe from what obscure threat?

• A. Unsteady liposuction doctors
• B. Evil space aliens
• C. British television remakes
• D. Fluoridated water
• E. The Ebola virus

2. According to the Politico, an aide to Mitt Romney used the following prop at a recent campaign meeting:

• A. A fresh trout, wrapped in newspaper, because Giuliani will sleep with the fishes
• B. The 1988 campaign book "What It Takes," to demonstrate why candidates fail
• C. A witch's hat, because, you know, Hillary Clinton, blah, blah, blah
• D. A whoopee cushion, which was discovered after Tagg Romney sat down
• E. A wet rag, to show that waterboarding isn't so bad

3. The eastern Nevada field director of what presidential candidate resigned after it was discovered that he had been investigated for shorting prostitutes their pay at Mona's Ranch, a legal brothel in Elko?

• A. Hillary "Let It Ride" Clinton
• B. Mitt "The Penny Pincher" Romney
• C. John "Blackjack" Edwards
• D. Dennis "Area 51" Kucinich
• E. Bill "Hold 'Em" Richardson

4. According to his memoir, Bernie Kerik underwent what mafia-like ritual when Rudy Giuliani promoted him to deputy corrections commissioner of New York?

• A. Giuliani gave him a blindfolded ride to the Meadowlands
• B. He was told to "take a cannoli" from the kitchen at Gracie Mansion
• C. Giuliani said he would now be known in the family by his new nickname, "The Tool"
• D. Each of Giuliani's closest staff members came forward and kissed him
• E. His body was given a pat-down, to see if he was wearing a wire

5. After her campaign aide was caught planting a question in the audience of a town hall event, Hillary Clinton explained the deception this way.

• A. "That staff member is no longer with the campaign."
• B. "In campaigns, things happen and you just go on."
• C. "Well, it depends on what the definition of 'plant' is."
• D. "As I have said, I am the only candidate ready to hit the ground running on Day One."
• E. "The American people should expect more from its leaders. I'm sorry."

Match each of the following passages of canonical campaign reportage to its author:

6. "Campaign journalism is, by definition, pack journalism; to follow a candidate, you must join a pack of other reporters; even the most independent journalist cannot completely escape the pressures of the pack."

7. "Bristling with filial tension and nurturing the chip on his privileged shoulder, the son refuses to follow in the proper father's footsteps and instead engages in, as John Updike put it, 'impulsive bellicosity,' falling into a self-destructive spiral that starts when he throws a drink into an ally's face at the club."

8. "Politics, in a sense, has always been a con game. The American voter, insisting upon his belief in a higher order, clings to his religion, which promises another, better life; and defends passionately the illusion that the men he chooses to lead him are of a finer nature than he."

9. "So George Bush is coming to the Astrodome. Disaster in the making. The thing is, it couldn't just happen. George Bush couldn't just fly in, catch a cab to the ballpark, get his ticket torn, and grab a beer on the way to his seat. No, he'd come too far for that."

10. "Presidential primaries are always savage. But the Presidential primaries of 1964 were to exceed in savagery and significance any other in modern politics."

• A. Theodore H. White, from his second "The Making of the President"
• B. Joe McGinniss, from "The Selling of the President"
• C. Richard Ben Cramer, from "What It Takes"
• D. Timothy Crouse, from "The Boys on the Bus"
• E. Maureen Dowd, from the New York Times

11. Name the Republican presidential candidate who has not had a prominent supporter accused in the last year of either cocaine trafficking or illegal sexual solicitation.

• A. Mitt Romney
• B. Rudy Giuliani
• C. Fred Thompson
• D. John McCain
• E. None of the above

12. According to Shirley MacLaine, Dennis Kucinich had the following reaction after he had a close encounter with a triangular UFO, which hovered above him for about 10 minutes and then sped away.

• A. "He was happy to have confirmed what he always knew: They are among us."
• B. "He said, 'Damn, this is good stuff. Can you get me more?'"
• C. "He felt a connection in his heart and heard directions in his mind."
• D. "He wondered why they left him behind."
• E. "He received a message: Dick Cheney must be impeached."

13. When asked by Newsweek if he had ever baptized the dead, a controversial Mormon practice, Mitt Romney said:

• A. "There are some parts of my faith that I am not comfortable speaking about."
• B. "I have in my life, but I haven't recently."
• C. "Yes, but only members of [my wife] Ann's extended family."
• D. "Just two people: Sammy Davis Jr. and Sam Kinison."
• E. "I was hoping to talk about sanctuary cities."

14. In campaign parlance, the phrase "birddogging" is used to describe:

• A. A campaign aide scouting the crowd for potential troublemakers
• B. Secret Service snipers taking positions on a roof or in the rafters of an auditorium
• C. Candidates glancing at the chest or buttocks of a young supporter
• D. Hotel maids rifling through the garbage after a candidate checks out
• E. Interest group supporters asking prefabricated questions at a town hall

15. The motto of Kum & Go, an Iowa gas station chain, is:

• A. We go all out!
• B. Harder! Faster! Cheaper!
• C. We go all the way!
• D. We don't ever stop!
• E. Regularly tested!

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