Scott Lamb

Finale wrap-up: “The Office”

The Dunder Mifflin crew caps the season with a flurry of plot twists and fireworks.

It might seem petty to fault a show that skewers the ridiculousness of the modern office for being too over the top, but a lot of ridiculous things happened on “The Office” this season that are hard to forgive. There were moments of sublime brilliance — the cringingly delicious dinner-party episode — but there were also a lot of big, loud, unbelievable moments, and the finale tried to compensate with a lot of fireworks, both literal and figurative. It mirrored the rest of the show’s fourth season: funny at times, sure, but unsatisfying.

Blame those plus-size episodes. The season’s several hour-long installments were too much of a good thing. They felt watered down, the same number of jokes spread over double the time. We saw less of the side characters: Oscar (Oscar Nunez) was gone for a while; Meredith (Kate Flannery) disappeared for a time after Michael (Steve Carell), in one of those big, loud moments, hit her with his car. Yet the larger character arcs, the season-long narratives, never really picked up speed. The long mid-season break brought on by the strike didn’t help: By the time the dinner party episode — in which Jan and Michael publicly played out their issues — aired, right after the strike, Jan’s (Melora Hardin) suit against Dunder Mifflin and Ryan’s Web 2.0 visions for the company were hard to recall. And the show’s timing never really recovered. It became a guessing game for critics and fans — when would “The Office” start being “The Office” again?

One thing “The Office” has always been good for, though, is big endings. The last two seasons delivered a satisfying show that wrapped up some of the season’s plotlines while making us curse that it would be months until we got to see the next one. Going into Thursday’s season finale, expectations were high. This episode would finally bring it all together! Jim’s (John Krasinski) proposal to Pam (Jenna Fischer) was probably going to be the centerpiece, but other plotlines waited in the wings: the renewed frisson between Angela (Angela Martin) and Dwight (Rainn Wilson), Michael’s unresolved relationship with Jan, Toby’s (episode co-writer Paul Lieberstein) move to Costa Rica, the battle of passive aggressiveness between Ryan and Jim. Despite the season’s disappointments, last week’s lead-in hinted that a lot would go down, and to quote from the voice-over promo cliché handbook, “The Office” “would never be the same again.”

The show’s theme was Toby’s last day — he’s moving to Costa Rica. Versatile Oscar nominee Amy Ryan, also familiar to fans of “The Wire,” arrives as Holly Flax, the new face of H.R. A mixture of gullible, cute and theatrical, she’s less an obvious comic character than the rest of the cast. When Michael explains that she’s filling the void as his logical opposite — he calls human resources a “breeding ground for monsters” — she parries with a joke about how boring Toby’s tour of the office files was. Of course, Michael instantly falls in love with her.

Other shenanigans play out on the side: Ryan is arrested for his fraudulent practice of having employees enter all sales twice, once on the old system, once on the Web. Dwight begins hazing Holly, as though being hired to work in Scranton were like rushing a state school frat. “Hazing is a fun way to show a new employee she is not welcome or liked,” he tells us. His tricks fall mostly by the wayside, except for the way he convinces Holly that Kevin (Brian Baumgartner) is the office’s “special” employee.

Meanwhile, the party planning committee is arranging Toby’s last hurrah. They end up with a miniature fair in the parking lot, complete with bouncy air castle and Ferris wheel. Jim offers to pay for fireworks. The stage is set! When will Jim pop the question? We know he will, because he tells the camera “I’m going to propose tonight” — goofy grin — “holy crap.”

When the big moment comes, just as Jim begins fumbling in his pocket for the ring, Andy (Ed Helms) grabs the microphone and asks for everyone’s attention. “I was waiting for the right time to do this, and I can’t think of a better time than right now,” he says. It’s like he planned the whole thing — he even has his parents there! — and of course he awkwardly asks for Angela’s tiny hand in marriage (her reply: “I said OK“). Cut to Dwight, looking pained. Pam’s mouth drops open; Jim tucks the ring back into his pocket.

We were meant to feel sad about this, but the moment fizzled. The lack of emotional payoff here gets at why this season of “The Office” felt like it was missing something. For all its sitcom high jinks, the show has always had a sweet undercurrent of drama. We wanted Pam to dump her lame fiancé and be with Jim. We cheered silently for Michael getting together with hot, crazy Jan. Dwight and Angela’s secret affair wasn’t just played off for laughs.

But Michael provides the episode’s only moving moments. After discovering Jan has decided to get pregnant without him — she went to a sperm bank — his pain is visible and real, and when he returns to the parking lot party he blows off Holly, who somehow has also clearly become smitten with him. By the end, we see him in his office on the phone, making the inevitable mistake of assuring Jan’s voice mail he’ll be at her Lamaze class, even though he has no idea what that is.

As a grace note, we’re given a shocking final scene: Phyllis goes into the office after the party and catches Dwight and Angela all sweaty and naked. It’s the scene that will likely be most discussed around the water cooler today, but it seemed too calculated. Sure, we never thought things would ultimately work out for Andy, but do we really care? He’s always been a poor stand-in for Dwight.

I miss the sweetness of the Jim and Pam’s romance — it always stood apart from the rest of the office’s gray shallowness, but this season, in part because of Jim’s need to propose, it’s been infected by it. For the show’s first three seasons, we identified with Jim, the ironic presence who often literally winked at the camera. It seemed (or did we hope) that he might, at any moment, grab Pam and find a way out of the Dunder Mifflin cul de sac. Instead, Pam has become the character with a future that might not revolve entirely around paper — will her three months at the Pratt Institute studying art be the basis for the rumored spin-off show? As the season progressed, Jim’s mugging for the camera began to seem rote, his punking Dwight perfunctory, and we slowly began to realize that, as much as he might talk down Dunder Mifflin, he wasn’t going anywhere soon. (Michael at one point says, “I look at somebody like Jim Halpert, and I think that guy could do anything that he wants to do. He could do anything. And he chooses to work here, selling paper. Just like me.”) In some ways this finale was perhaps the closest the show has come yet to its British original: No one is getting out of here alive. * * * *

For more coverage of the season finales of your favorite TV shows, click here.

“I’d hate me too!”

Moby talks about his annoying public persona, the presidential election, his sex life and his brand-new album.

To listen to a podcast of the interview, click here.

To subscribe: Click here to add Conversations to iTunes or cut and paste the URL into your podcasting software:

You may be sick of Moby, but he won’t hold it against you. His 1999 album “Play” was the kind of early success that can cast a shadow over an entire career: It sold 9 million copies, every song was licensed for some commercial purpose, and it injected techno music into the American mainstream consciousness — almost overnight. That kind of quick fame doesn’t come without cost, and Moby has since admitted he became the poster child for selling out. “If I wasn’t me,” he says now, “I’d hate me too.”

None of his follow-ups have been quite as successful, but that may not be such a bad thing. With his new disc, “Last Night,” which was released April 1, he has taken a much more low-key approach. The album’s a return to his DJ roots, revisiting the sounds coming out of New York in the late ’80s and early ’90s, and it’s about as reflective as a dance album can be. His label, Mute, has taken an understated approach to marketing it — no big campaigns, seeding music blogs and social networks, or giving away tracks online.

Moby is a confounding mixture of so many things — a vegan and a “barely functioning alcoholic,” bisexual and vaguely Christian, a DJ who doubles as a frontman — that the press often has a hard time knowing what to make of him. His outspokenness on issues ranging from the environment to electoral politics has irritated fans across the political spectrum, and the spoils of his successes — his former uptown New York residence is on the market for $7.5 million — continue to make him a target for cultural sniper fire.

His physical presence belies this reputation. Dressed in a simple a black hoodie and jeans, his eyes sparkling behind stylishly thick black glasses, Moby, 42, comes across as nothing so much as an earnest DJ. We met in his Manhattan apartment — cluttered with the evidence of his recent obsession, buying old drum machines off eBay — and talked about how New York has changed, why the gossip about him is more interesting than the reality and how he treats hangovers. (Listen to a podcast of the interview here.)

It seems like lately you’ve gotten back into DJing and performing as a DJ a lot more. What brought that on?

I’ve been playing music since I was 9 years old. I started out playing classical music and studying music theory, then played in punk rock bands and got into DJing after I dropped out of college — this was around 1984. But then I had this voice in the back of my head saying, “You’re a musician, you have to go out and play live.” And so throughout the ’90s and into the beginning of this century, I toured with a band and played live, living on a tour bus and waking up in parking lots. At first I really liked the novelty of it, and then about three or four years ago, I finally had to admit to myself I really don’t like touring. So I started DJing again, but in a very, very low-key way. You know Nublu, the bar on Avenue C? I was doing Monday nights there, for 75 people — it wasn’t really advertised — and I was having more fun than being on tour playing to 10,000 people a night. It was almost like this unquestioned idea that as a musician you’re always supposed to pursue a large audience, but I realized I don’t enjoy it. I really enjoy just playing records for a couple hundred people.

Is it a little bit more difficult now that you’re older, staying out late and going to clubs?

No — if anything, I go out more and stay out later now than I ever have. The only difference is, the recovery time is longer. When I was 19, going out and drinking all night, by noon the next day, you’re fine. And now, the hangovers really do last 24 hours. It’s almost like every hour that I’m out drinking is going to involve four hours being hung over. The ratio just keeps getting bigger and bigger.

See, as a barely functioning alcoholic, I’ve tried every hangover cure. I’ll stumble into the deli, and they’ll have some new Russian hangover medicine, or I’ll read online that it’s all about bananas; it’s potassium. The only thing I’ve found that works for me is water and Xanax. You take a Xanax, you drink a lot of water, you go to sleep for six hours, and that usually helps.

It seems like in New York, DJing in general has come back over the last four or five years. Does it have a cachet that it may not always have had?

When I started DJing in 1984, I’d just dropped out of college. I was living at home with my mom, and I was DJing Monday nights for about 10 or 15 people at a club in Port Chester, N.Y., called the Beat. And at this point, there was nothing glamorous about DJing. The successful DJs were guys named Sal, who were mobile DJs and had satin jackets with their names in script on the left breast pocket. So in the early ’80s, I was always a little ashamed to introduce myself as a DJ. It had all the glamour of being a tollbooth operator or something.

And the new album is an ode to the early days?

On the one hand it’s sort of representing my history with dance music in New York, but it’s also supposed to feel like a night out on the Lower East Side, eight hours condensed into 65 minutes.

You’ve been living here for 20 years, and visiting since the late ’70s. How do you feel the dance scene in New York has changed? Are you nostalgic for the old days?

It’s hard for me to make qualitative generalizations. You can make quantitative generalizations and say New York used to be really cheap — apartments were cheap and food was cheap and beer was cheap, and now everything’s expensive. But if anything, I see this as being this really remarkable golden era in New York for music and culture because there’s so much going on. The worst time, ironically, for music and culture in New York, was the late ’80s — ’88, ’89, ’90; it was exciting, but it was terrible. Lower Manhattan had been decimated by AIDS and crack, and so everybody you knew was scared, sick or in the hospital. There wasn’t a lot going on. In some ways it was a good time for dance music, because for a lot of people it was the only refuge they had. But at that time, the dance scene was very Latino, very black and very gay. When I was DJing in the late ’80s, more often than not I’d be the only white person in the club, and I found that strangely comforting.

And as a DJ in the late ’80s, you had people from the inner city that were looking for any sort of relief or refuge, because in the gay community, and in the Latino and black communities of the late 1980s, everybody was just being assaulted on every side. Either your friends were dying of AIDS, or they were crack addicts, or they’d been shot. So being a DJ in the late ’80s, you became almost like a comforter. Your job was just to create an environment where people could finally relax and have a nice time. Certainly things are a lot different now.

New York magazine recently called you a “stealth slut.” What does that mean?

More often than not, whenever gossip has been written about me, the gossip is more interesting than the reality. I know some public figures hate gossip, but personally I like it because it makes my life sound more glamorous and interesting than it really is.

A part of me wants to sort of try and sound cool and feed this myth that I’m some sort of glamorous lothario, but I was raised by women — my mother and her mother and my aunts — and as a result most of my friends have always been women. So I guess some people in the media will see me with lots of different women and assume that I’m dating all of them, and as unsexy as this might sound, they’re just my friends. Of course, I’m not a saint; occasionally I go out and get drunk and go home with a stranger, but I’m not at Tommy Lee levels or anything.

Do you feel like you have any sort of control over your public image? Sometimes there’s this perception of you as very canny, plotting things out very carefully. I think people got that idea from “Play,” maybe, that something so big could only have been orchestrated.

The success of “Play” was such an arbitrary accident. I mean, I only had a record deal for “Play” in the States like three months before it was released. And V2 Records, at that time, it was almost like they were doing me a favor. There was no advance for it, and I remember sitting down with them as it was being released and they were talking about their sales goals. Someone in this meeting said that they thought maybe it could sell 100,000 copies, and there was almost this chuckle, like no, there’s no way this weird, lo-fi record could ever sell 100,000 copies — that seemed absurdly ambitious. In the first week it came out, I think it sold 3,000 copies. And they were all very happy. So the success, the licensing, the whatever, was completely accidental. There was no plan. There never has been. Whenever I’ve tried to plan things, they’ve always failed. Whenever I’ve tried to pick singles, I always pick the wrong singles.

Has the backlash from “Play” run its course?

At this point, I don’t read my own press because I just assume people are going to hate me. The backlash was really intense and disturbing, but when I looked at it objectively, it made sense to me. I realized, if I wasn’t me, I’d hate me too. Like, “Would he just shut up, would he just go away for a while — it’s become annoying.” So I understood why people were annoyed with me, but it still hurt my feelings. I’m sure that there are some people out there who are just going to hate me forever. It’s bizarre being loathed by people I’ve never met. And usually for weird reasons. I recognize that there just isn’t much that I can do about that, except for hang out with my friends and make spaghetti and watch “Family Guy.”

Any thoughts on the presidential election?

Three or four months ago, if you had asked me that, I would have said I’d be happy with either [Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton], whoever gets the nomination. They had that debate in Los Angeles where they were being really collegial and respectful of each other. And one of the questions was about a Clinton-Obama ticket, and both of them responded in a benign, coy way. At that point I would have happily supported either one of them.

I hate to say that I have since found the way in which the Clinton campaign has comported itself to be so distasteful that I now enthusiastically support Obama. I think he’d make a great president. I think he’s run an amazing campaign. I think he’s smart. He’s dignified. I think it sends an amazing message to the rest of the world. But Hillary Clinton has surrounded herself with some really bad people. A lot of the people, Harold Ickes and Terry McAuliffe and James Carville — these guys are nasty. You think Democrats are all like soft, tree-hugging NPR listeners? The people she’s surrounded with are just … awful. Their approach to politics is sort of “take no prisoners.” They are like the collective equivalent of Karl Rove on the left. They don’t care what it takes; they want their person to be installed in office.

How is life as a blogger?

It’s been interesting. When I started the blog, I think it was 1999, and I started writing about being on tour. And then the election, the Gore-Bush election campaign happened, and I was really incensed that anyone was taking Bush seriously. It was also when Nader was getting his three and a half percent of the vote, and I was really incensed that anyone would support Nader, because it was pretty clear that to me that a vote for Nader was the equivalent of a vote for Bush. I started being more and more outspoken about politics, and that’s when I started offending a lot of people, on the right and the left. Some of the most vitriolic stuff I’ve been on the receiving end of has been from people who ostensibly agree with me. But they find my tone somehow arrogant and strident and didactic, which at times I guess it is.

I’m under no illusions. I don’t think I’m a particularly good writer, and I’m not terribly insightful. The reason people read my blog is because I’m a musician. And if I weren’t a musician, it’s pretty safe to say no one would pay attention to anything I have to say. I see myself as being the blogging equivalent of the annoying drunk in the bar in the middle of the afternoon who just has an opinion about everything, but the other people in the bar stopped listening to him a long time ago.

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The Fix

Disney allows gay fairy-tale weddings. The argument for reality TV. Plus: $5,750 for Tony Soprano's bloody shirt.

First Word

More cash to be made from Anna Nicole’s memorabilia: In a few weeks, an auction house in Dallas will put two of Anna Nicole Smith’s diaries — as well as her old I.D. cards and other random items — up for sale. The cover of one reads: “This diary belongs to Vickie Smith. Do Not Read!” (Smith’s real name was Vickie Lynn Smith.) They are the same diaries a German businessman bought on eBay for more than $500,000 a few weeks ago — he has secured the publishing rights and now wants to unload the diaries themselves — and the auction house says that while opening bids will start at $20,000, it expects each diary to go for something in the range of $100,000. (Associated Press)

Fairy-tale weddings for all: Gay marriage is OK in the Magic Kingdom — gay couples can now participate in Disney’s popular Fairy Tale Weddings program. Disney Parks and Resorts spokesman Donn Walker says the move to include gay couples “is consistent with our policy of creating a welcoming, respectful and inclusive environment for all of our guests.” Until recently, Disney allowed gay couples to organize their own ceremonies at its resorts, but didn’t allow them to buy the Fairy Tale Wedding packages, which start at $8,000 and include a wedding planner, the ceremony, food and beverages, flowers and table decorations. The “Lavish Wedding” option includes a ride to the ceremony in a Cinderella coach, costumed trumpeters heralding the couple’s arrival, and attendance by Mickey and Minnie Mouse characters dressed in formal attire. But Disney has predictably incurred the wrath of religious conservatives, including the Southern Baptist Convention, which lifted an eight-year boycott of Disney — for things like giving health benefits to same-sex partners of employees — in 2005. (Fox News)

Talker

What reality can teach us: If you can get past the fact that the author of the pro-reality-TV story in the new Atlantic Monthly, Michael Hirschorn, is also an executive vice president at VH1, a channel with its fair share of reality programming, the piece does put forward an interesting thesis. Hirschorn calls reality TV “the liveliest genre on the set right now. It has engaged hot-button cultural issues — class, sex, race — that respectable television, including the august ‘CBS Evening News,’ rarely touches. And it has addressed a visceral need for a different kind of television at a time when the Web has made more traditionally produced video seem as stagey as Moliere.” (“The Case for Reality TV,” Atlantic Monthly)

White noise … Lindsay Lohan (right) is hoping to someday get the role of Princess Diana in a film: “It would be fantastic to play her,” she recently told In Touch. “She gave back a lot and was such an amazing woman.” (Hollywood Rag) … Khristine Eroshevich, the psychiatrist who prescribed all 11 of the drugs found in Anna Nicole Smith’s body when she died, is now under investigation by the California State Medical Board. (E Online) … Real-estate deal: Britney Spears has slashed her Malibu, Calif., home’s sale price from $13.5 million to a mere $11.9 million after nearly three months on the market. (People) … Whitney Houston’s divorce from Bobby Brown was finalized on Wednesday, with Houston getting sole custody of their 14-year-old daughter, Bobbi Kristina. (TMZ)

Judgment

Double feature: Definitely this weekend’s most buzzed-about movie, “Grindhouse” is also coming in for some critical love today. Salon’s Stephanie Zacharek lays out what viewers have in store — “a grand collage of drooling zombies, bounteous breasts, spurting blood and careering cars, a rambunctious and unapologetically disreputable entertainment as well as a comprehensive catalog of B-movie references” — but also says the film makes for a great moviegoing experience: It’s “recklessly joyous and deeply affectionate, a celebration not just of an all-but-lost approach to moviemaking but of the nearly lost experience of communal moviegoing.” A.O. Scott, who also thinks the film is good fun, says, “That Mr. Rodriguez and Mr. Tarantino are motivated by a sincere love of the movies they send up can hardly be doubted, but the affection is expressed in different ways. Mr. Rodriguez revels in badness for its own sake … Mr. Tarantino is another story — a connoisseur, a scholar and a bit of a highbrow … He combs through trash in search of art.”

; )

“Area Man Just Wants to Throw One Good Punch in His Life” (The Onion)

Buzz Index

“The way Rose says ‘cocksucker’ is really great. It’s the way she emphasizes the c-k. She’ll screw up a line and say, ‘Aw, fucking cocksucker!’ … She was talking about how she doesn’t like the word ‘whore,’ and she said, ‘You can call me a cunt till the cows come home, but don’t call me a whore!’”

Quentin Tarantino on “Grindhouse” star Rose McGowan’s dirty mouth. (Rolling Stone)

Numbers

Winning bids from a recent auction of showbiz memorabilia:
$126,500: The alien costume from “Alien”
$40,250: Wolverine claws worn by Hugh Jackman in “X2: X-Men United”
$115,000: Christopher Reeve’s costume from “Superman”
$69,000: Marilyn Monroe’s working script from “The Seven Year Itch”
$5,750: James Gandolfini’s bloodstained shirt from “The Sopranos”
(The Hot Blog )

Turn On

This Friday, Stacy London of “What Not to Wear” premieres her very own talk show, “Shut Up! With Stacy London” (TLC, 10 p.m. EDT), and “The Real Mary Magdalene” (National Geographic, 10 p.m. EDT) wonders whether Mary was the victim of a smear campaign. On Sunday, it’s the beginning of the last season of “The Sopranos” (HBO, 9 p.m. EDT), followed by a new season of “Entourage” (HBO, 10 p.m. EDT). Plus, there’s a live-action adaptation of Kenneth Grahame’s classic in “Masterpiece Theatre: The Wind in the Willows” (PBS, check local listings) and the latest from “The Tudors” (Showtime, 10 p.m. EDT).

Talk

SHOW GUESTS
Regis and Kelly (ABC, 9 a.m. EDT) Dean Cain (repeat)
The View (ABC, 11 a.m. EDT) Guest co-host Tony Braxton (repeat)
Ellen (Syndicated, check local listings) The cast of “Entourage,” Hilary Duff
Oprah (Syndicated, check local listings) “America Talks to Oprah,” featuring Elizabeth Edwards
Charlie Rose (PBS, check local listings) Rev. James A. Forbes Jr., “Reading Judas” coauthors Elaine Pagels and Karen L. King, general manager of the Metropolitan Opera Peter Gelb
Larry King (CNN, 9 p.m. EDT) TBA
David Letterman (CBS, 11:30 p.m. EDT) Richard Gere, exotic-food chef Gene Rurka, Aqualung (repeat)
Jay Leno (NBC, 11:35 p.m. EDT) Jeremy Piven, Jenna Fischer, John Legend
Jimmy Kimmel (ABC, 12:05 a.m. EDT) Hilary Swank, “Dancing With the Stars” castoff Shandi Finnessey, Hilary Duff (repeat)
Conan O’Brien (NBC, 12:35 a.m. EDT) Michael Imperioli, Albert Hammond Jr.
Craig Ferguson (CBS, 12:35 a.m. EDT) Carla Gugino, Randy Couture, Redman

 

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Fix contributors: Dipayan Gupta, Heather Havrilesky, Scott Lamb, Kerry Lauerman, David Marchese, Laura Miller, Andrew O’Hehir, Amy Reiter, Stephanie Zacharek

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The Fix

China gets its first gay TV show. The Wal-Mart spy story. Plus: McGraw tops the charts, J.Lo in at No. 10.

First Word

Dr. Feelgood: According to papers released on Wednesday from the Broward County, Fla., medical examiner’s office, all 11 of the medications found in Anna Nicole Smith’s body during her autopsy came from one doctor, Los Angeles psychiatrist — and friend of the late starlet’s — Khristine Eroshevich. Investigators say more than 600 pills were missing from the most recent batch of prescriptions, even though they were no more than five weeks old. (Associated Press)

Jolie’s next adoptee on the way? The paperwork for Angelina Jolie’s next adopted child is already in the works, according to London’s News of the World, and she has reportedly “fallen in love” with a 1-year-old girl from Oure Cassoni, Chad. A source tells the British tabloid that Jolie and partner Brad Pitt wanted to adopt another child from Africa to “balance the family”: “Angelina and Brad want to make sure Zahara doesn’t feel alienated as the only black face in their family.” Meanwhile, Page Six writes that the Jolie-Pitts had better start being more equitable with the distribution of photos of their ever-growing brood — they’ve reportedly sold all of their baby photos thus far exclusively to People, and other celeb pubs are apparently getting upset. Headlines from this week in other glossies: “Her Twisted Double Life” (Us), “Angelina Walks Out on Brad! … and Dumps the Kids!” (Star). (Sydney Morning Herald, Page Six)

Wal-Mart spy ring? Bruce Gabbard, the technician Wal-Mart fired last month after reportedly discovering that he’d secretly recorded the phone calls of a New York Times reporter, says that the retailer’s Threat Research and Analysis Group, where he worked, in fact operates a broad covert surveillance program. The story, which broke in Wednesday’s Wall Street Journal, includes allegations of widespread spying; in one incident, says Reuters, Wal-Mart reportedly sent an employee “to infiltrate an anti-Wal-Mart group to learn if it was going to protest at the annual shareholders’ meeting.” The company has defended its practices, with Wal-Mart spokeswoman Sarah Clark saying, “Like most major corporations, it is our corporate responsibility to have systems in place, including software systems, to monitor threats to our network, intellectual property and our people.” (Reuters via AOL Money)

Talker

China launches first gay Internet TV show: Hong Kong-listed broadcaster Phoenix Satellite Television will produce a weekly, 12-episode series, broadcast through its Web site, that will feature gay presenters discussing issues related to the homosexual community in China; it will be the country’s first show devoted to gay issues. Producer Gang Gang says it will promote tolerance in a country whose government classified homosexuality as a mental illness until 2001. Gang also hopes that it will be a forum for gay Chinese to get in touch with each other. The show comes only four months after the Chinese government approved the first mainland gay and lesbian student group at Sun Yat Sen University in southern China. (BBC)

White noise … Filming his next movie, “Leatherheads,” in North Carolina, George Clooney was spotted plunking down $20 for lemonade from a stand a group of kids set up near the set. (Associated Press) … Britney Spears (right) reportedly has another new rehab beau: Life & Style says she’s now dating musician Howie Day, whom she met at the Promises rehab center during her recent stay. (The Scoop) … “30 Rock” fans, rejoice! Despite the Tina Fey show’s paltry ratings, NBC has ordered up a second season. (Associated Press) … “Girls Gone Wild” founder Joe Francis has been ordered to start jail time at noon today for contempt of court after a 3-minute-long, profanity-laced tirade during the settlement of a case involving seven underage girls who appeared in a “Girls Gone Wild” video. (News Herald) … The producers of “Spider-Man 3″ have announced the film will premiere at the Tribeca Film Festival on April 30. (BBC News) … “A Christmas Story” director Bob Clark and his son were killed in a head-on crash with a drunken driver Wednesday night on the Pacific Coast Highway in Los Angeles. (TMZ) … Jennifer Lopez’s first all-Spanish album, “Como Ama Una Mujer,” debuted at No. 10 on this week’s Billboard chart, selling a reported 49,452 copies. (Fox 411)

Judgment

The beginning of the end: The final, abbreviated season of “The Sopranos” starts on Sunday, and of course, as Salon TV critic Heather Havrilesky writes today, “expectations are running impossibly high.” The new season doesn’t start off with a bang, but “the first two episodes mark a return to ‘The Sopranos’ we fell in love with, every scene rich with humor and sadness, every moment heavy with echoes of the past and omens of things to come. Creator David Chase … signals in these episodes that we’d better hold on tight, because we’re in for a breathtaking, bittersweet ride.” But New York Daily News syndicated critic David Bianculli says that “even the most fervent and forgiving fans of the HBO series (and I count myself among them) have to start looking at the clock and stop excusing every scene as merely a foundation for the Big Ending. After last year’s season of simmering, this mixture has to boil — fast.” And as Maureen Ryan writes for the Chicago Tribune, “though Sunday’s episode will test your tolerance for Tony’s shrill sister Janice (Aida Turturro) … it’s actually a sense of mortality and fragility, not to mention dark humor that infuses these episodes.”

; )

“Ala. Woman on Horseback Charged With DUI” (Associated Press)

Buzz Index

“Don’t ever call me that again!”

— “Heroes” actress Hayden Panettiere after a fan outside a Los Angeles club yelled out to her, “Give ‘em hell, Lindsay!” (TMZ)

Numbers

Billboard album charts:
1. “Let It Go,” Tim McGraw (325,000 copies)
2. “NOW! That’s What I Call Music,” compilation (230,000 copies)
3. “Buck the World,” Young Buck (140,000 copies)
4. “Music Is My Savior,” Mims (78,000 copies)
5. “Konvicted,” Akon (67,000 copies)
(Billboard)

Turn On

This Thursday, there’s a super-size 42-minute episode of “The Office” (NBC, 8 p.m. EDT), Will Arnett guest-stars on “30 Rock” (NBC, 8:42 p.m. EDT), Whoopi Goldberg takes a look at pop culture in the premiere of “The World According to Whoopi” (Bravo, 10 p.m. EDT), and you can catch Elton John’s 60th-birthday performance at Madison Square Garden on “Happy Birthday Elton John” (MyNetwork TV, 8 p.m. EDT).

Talk

SHOW GUESTS
Regis and Kelly (ABC, 9 a.m. EDT) Mary Lynn Rajskub, Danielle Evans, Ashley Parker Angel (repeat)
The View (ABC, 11 a.m. EDT) Tim McGraw, guest co-host Joely Fisher (repeat)
Ellen (Syndicated, check local listings) Richard Gere, Amy Poehler
Oprah (Syndicated, check local listings) The faces of autism
Charlie Rose (PBS, check local listings) Gen. James L. Jones (ret.), former NATO Supreme Allied Commander in Europe
Larry King (CNN, 9 p.m. EDT) Guest host Dr. Phil McGraw, Maureen McCormick
Jon Stewart (Comedy Central, 11 p.m. EDT) Gov. Bill Richardson (repeat)
Stephen Colbert (Comedy Central, 11:30 p.m. EDT) Jabari Asim (repeat)
David Letterman (CBS, 11:30 p.m. EDT) John Travolta, shark-attack survivor Eric Nerhus, the cast of “Spring Awakening” (repeat)
Jay Leno (NBC, 11:35 p.m. EDT) Craig T. Nelson, Molly Shannon, Sick Puppies
Jimmy Kimmel (ABC, 12:05 a.m. EDT) Quentin Tarantino, Tim McGraw
Conan O’Brien (NBC, 12:35 a.m. EDT) David Gregory, Kaiser Chiefs
Craig Ferguson (CBS, 12:35 a.m. EDT) Sydney Tamiia Poitier, Ice Cube, Omarion

 

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The Fix

Jailed blogger released. Lohan and Duff smooth things over. Plus: Rose McGowan hearts Sanjaya!

First Word

“Tudors” makes Showtime history: “The Tudors,” starring Jonathan Rhys Meyers, is the most expensive series in Showtime’s history, but it seems like the investment is paying off. An estimated 870,000 people tuned in to its Sunday premiere — more than three times the network’s 2006 prime-time average. An additional 404,000 caught the 11 p.m. encore, making “The Tudors” Showtime’s best series debut since Kirstie Alley’s “Fat Actress” three years ago. (Variety)

Knut moves markets: Polar bear cub Knut’s popularity is paying off! Shares in the Berlin Zoo have doubled since the now nearly 4-month-old cub popped up on the scene (watch a video here). Each share currently costs a little more than 4,000 euros, and only 4,000 shares are available. Knut, who adorns the cover of this month’s Vanity Fair with Leonardo DiCaprio, also has his own range of merchandise, which has been selling at record levels. (Bloomberg, Reuters, BerlinerBorse)

Blogger released: Josh Wolf, the San Francisco blogger who served nearly eight months in prison for refusing to hand over a video he’d made of a protest at the G-8 summit in Scotland in 2005, has been released after agreeing to give authorities the tape. In the deal made with prosecutors, he will not have to testify in front of a grand jury. Wolf told the Washington Post’s Howard Kurtz shortly after being released: “I’m completely satisfied with the resolution. There’s a very large problem with forcing a reporter to act as an investigator for a government prosecution … It’s absolutely a victory.” (Washington Post)

Talker

Foster, Anderson on Out, kinda: The newest issue of Out is raising the question again of the ethics of outing, with a cover story on “the glass closet” featuring a big photo of Anderson Cooper and Jodie Foster, or at least actors wearing masks of Cooper and Foster (neither of whom have come out, though both are widely rumored to be gay). Out editor-in-chief Aaron Hicklin tells Radar he wasn’t just going for thrills with the splashy cover: “The A-list and even B-list gays are mostly in the closet still, and those are the kinds of people we need to have on our cover. This is a way of addressing that.” The issue also lists the 50 most powerful gay men and women in the country, with Cooper at No. 2 behind David Geffen — New York magazine’s Daily Intel has the full list. (Radar, New York)

White noise … Maybe it’s part of Lindsay Lohan’s 12-step recovery program — she and longtime rival Hilary Duff have recently made up, and a source tells Us Magazine they were recently spotted bonding at a Los Angeles club: “They were making fun of Paris!” (Us Magazine) … Halle Berry received her very own star on Hollywood’s Walk of Fame on Tuesday, the 2,333rd star bestowed since the first one was given to Joanne Woodward in 1960. (Los Angeles Times) … Leonardo DiCaprio may be heading to Broadway — he’s reportedly in negotiations to star in a fall revival of David Rabe’s “The Basic Training of Pavlo Hummel.” (Fox 411) … Barbara Walters, 77, may have found new love — a source tells Rush & Molloy she has been seeing Robert N. Butler, 80, a gerontologist and Pulitzer Prize-winning author. (Rush & Molloy) … Rose McGowan wants Sanjaya to win “American Idol” because “he’s horrible,” reports TMZ. Her advice: “Keep on keepin’ on with your bad voice and bad hair. America loves it.” (TMZ)

Judgment

Sign o’ the Times: The New York Observer’s Michael Calderone investigates the new home of the New York Times — it will be moving this year to a new, Renzo Piano-designed skyscraper just off Times Square — and finds the architecture to be a metaphor for what the paper hopes to become. “The old building at 229 West 43rd Street — the noisy, hulking bricks-and-mortar newspaper factory chronicled by Mr. Gelb — is still essentially an industrial building; the new one is an airy, transparent embodiment of Mr. Sulzberger’s post-newspaper newspapering plans for The Times,” which, of course, means his plans for growth on the Web: “Cascading style sheets replace plates; pixels stand in for ink, the virtual for the physical.” Arthur Gelb, the paper’s former managing editor, wonders if the transition from old to new will function all that smoothly: “The new building … is magnificent. But I have no idea how The Times will function in that building.” (“The Times Machine,” New York Observer)

; )

“Christ Getting in Shape for Second Coming” (The Onion)

Buzz Index

“The strangest thing I’ve tried to snort? My father. I snorted my father. He was cremated, and I couldn’t resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow. My dad wouldn’t have cared. It went down pretty well, and I’m still alive.”

Keith Richards on the strangest thing he’s ever done to get high, though of course his manager says it was “said in jest.” (NME)

Numbers

Last month’s top gossip Web sites:
1. TMZ, 7.9 million unique visitors
2. People.com, 4.3 million unique visitors
3. E! Online, 3.9 million unique visitors
4. Perez Hilton, 2.4 million unique visitors
5. EW.com, 2.1 million unique visitors
(Nielsen Net ratings from Hollywood Reporter)

Turn On

This Wednesday, “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” alumnus Thom Filicia debuts in “Dress My Nest” (Style, 11 p.m. EDT), Ryan O’Neal guest-stars on “Bones” (Fox, 8 p.m. EDT), and excerpts from the work of writers from Theodore Dreiser to Saul Bellow are reenacted on “Novel Reflections on the American Dream” (PBS, check local listings) — a part of the “American Masters” series.

Talk

SHOW GUESTS
Regis and Kelly (ABC, 9 a.m. EDT) Diana Ross, Monique Coleman, Jamie Oliver (repeat)
The View (ABC, 11 a.m. EDT) Evangeline Lilly, guest co-host S. Epatha Merkerson (repeat)
Ellen (Syndicated, check local listings) John Stamos, John Mellencamp
Oprah (Syndicated, check local listings) Real-life heroes
Charlie Rose (PBS, check local listings) Metropolitan Opera general manager Peter Gelb, Ira Glass
Larry King (CNN, 9 p.m. EDT) Crocodile hunter Steve Irwin’s widow Terri Irwin, Jack Hanna
Jon Stewart (Comedy Central, 11 p.m. EDT) Sen. John Kerry (repeat)
Stephen Colbert (Comedy Central, 11:30 p.m. EDT) Madeleine Albright, James Fallows (repeat)
David Letterman (CBS, 11:30 p.m. EDT) Bernie Mac, Paula Abdul, Joss Stone (repeat)
Jay Leno (NBC, 11:35 p.m. EDT) Jennifer Love Hewitt, Robert Rodriguez, Brandi Carlile
Jimmy Kimmel (ABC, 12:05 a.m. EDT) Kurt Russell, Rachael Harris, Elliott Yamin
Conan O’Brien (NBC, 12:35 a.m. EDT) Ice Cube, BJ Novak, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah
Craig Ferguson (CBS, 12:35 a.m. EDT) Robert Rodriguez, John C. McGinley, Noisettes

 

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The Fix

On the Peter Braunstein case. Reviewing Prince's Las Vegas show. Plus: Alanis Morissette covers Fergie.

First Word

The ax falls on TV shows: Yesterday was another “bloody Monday in TV land,” according to Variety. Network executives handed down death sentences — either outright cancellations or announcements that the shows won’t be returning for another season — for a number of series, chief among them: “The Wedding Bells” (Fox), “Six Degrees” (ABC), “7th Heaven” (the CW) and “The Black Donnellys” (NBC). (Variety)

“Grindhouse” juice: Scandal on the set! Today’s Page Six column has a long item alleging a steamy romance between married “Grindhouse” director Robert Rodriguez and starlet Rose McGowan, who, as the column writes, plays “a stripper who loses her leg and replaces it with a machine gun to battle flesh-eating zombies.” A source says: “It was the worst-kept secret on the set. They were going off to his trailer, having meals together.” When the liaison was discovered by Rodriguez’s wife, Elizabeth, says Page Six, work on the movie came to a halt. “When Elizabeth found out, there was an eruption of emotions — an emotional volcano.” Variety reports that the affair broke up the director’s 16-year marriage, and “the production had to shut down for a month while he recovered.” A spokesperson for the movie would only say, “The hiatus had nothing to do with Robert’s personal life.” (Page Six)

Giuliani tells the media to lay off his wife: While most candidates were busy spinning their fundraising numbers to members of the press, GOP hopeful Rudy Giuliani had a slightly different message Monday: Stop attacking his wife. “Attack me all you want,” Giuliani told reporters. “There’s plenty to attack me about. Please do it. But maybe, you know, show a little decency.” (WCBS)

Talkers

Braunstein background: The article on playwright turned accused stalker and sexual abuser Peter Braunstein in the new Vanity Fair lays out most of what’s known about the bizarre case — Braunstein is charged with having disguised himself as a firefighter to break into a woman’s apartment in Manhattan last fall and then tie her up and sexually and psychologically abuse her for 13 hours before going on a seven-week flight from authorities. But while the story says that new accounts from friends and family paint a softer picture of Braunstein than the “monster” portrayal he has received from the tabloids, some of his father Alberto Braunstein’s quotes do just the opposite. Saying that he has never gotten a “clear answer” from his son about his motives, Alberto says Peter has seemed “pretty proud of his performance,” and that he “planned everything very carefully.” (“The Devil and W.W.D.,” Vanity Fair)

Will Smith conquers Hollywood? It’s both surprising and totally obvious that Will Smith has suddenly become the biggest male actor in Hollywood. Surprising because who knew he’d have a box office career of $4.4 billion? (That’s better than Adam Sandler’s take and Will Ferrell’s take combined.) Obvious because who’s more generally likable than Smith? As a Hollywood insider puts it in a long profile in Newsweek, “He’s the black Jimmy Stewart. He invites the white community in, yet he’s credible with the black community. That’s a pretty hard trick.” Picking up the mantle from Tom Hanks of affable, low-key star able to handle comedy and drama, Smith has quietly become the industry’s most bankable star, at least according to Newsweek’s power rankings, coming in above Johnny Depp, Ben Stiller and Brad Pitt. “Let’s put it this way,” one studio head tells the magazine, “there’s Will Smith, and then there are the mortals.” (“The $4 Billion Man,” Newsweek)

White noise … We should have an answer soon in the custody case of Dannielynn Smith — on Monday, Howard K. Stern dropped his attempt to block the results of DNA tests that should reveal who the baby’s real father is. (People) … Former Spice Girl Mel B (right) gave birth to her second child, a girl, in Los Angeles on Tuesday — she claims the father is ex-boyfriend Eddie Murphy, though he has denied it: “I don’t know whose child that is until it comes out and has a blood test.” (BBC News) … The saga of the Scott Stapp sex tape that surfaced about a year ago has finally come to an end; on Monday, the ex-Creed singer settled a lawsuit with the company that distributed the film online, winning an undisclosed amount. (E Online)

Judgment

Prince’s new reign: After his spectacular halftime show at this year’s Super Bowl, the artist formerly known as the Artist Formerly Known As was suddenly current again. Though his biggest hits are almost two decades behind him, the diminutive pop sensation is having another moment, and the New Yorker’s Sasha Frere-Jones recently went to Las Vegas to take in one of Prince’s twice-weekly midnight shows at Club 3121 at the Rio Hotel. What he found there echoes the popular sentiment the Super Bowl show generated: “He is perhaps the greatest living performer in the pop tradition. The fact that, as he says during his live shows, ‘my friends all look different — I look just the same’ simply enhances the impression that he is our Dorian Gray, if Gray had been raised by Cher and James Brown.” And while his live shows may now have a few too many songs from his recent, weaker albums, a rendition of his “Raspberry Beret” is enough to remind Frere-Jones that he’s in the presence of greatness: “This is pop songwriting at its finest, where unlikely images seem more vivid than your own memories.” (“Dorian Purple,” New Yorker)

Buzz Index

Watch

This Alanis Morissette cover of Fergie’s “My Humps” reveals a side of Morissette we haven’t seen before — the funny side.

Numbers

425,371,511: Number of page views DrudgeReport.com got in March, the biggest traffic month in the site’s 12-year history. (Drudge)

Turn On

This Tuesday, “The Shield” (FX, 10 p.m. EDT) returns for a sixth season, Tony Bennett mentors “American Idol” (Fox, 8 p.m. EDT), Anne Ramsay and Tyson Ritter guest-star on “House” (Fox, 9 p.m. EDT), and “Frontline” (PBS, check local listings) takes a look at Lou Gehrig’s disease.

Talk

SHOW GUESTS
Regis and Kelly (ABC, 9 a.m. EDT) Wilmer Valderrama, Jimmie Johnson, Ricky Martin (repeat)
The View (ABC, 11 a.m. EDT) Phyllis Diller (repeat)
Ellen (Syndicated, check local listings) Jennifer Lopez, Kym Douglas
Oprah (Syndicated, check local listings) I walked away from millions
Charlie Rose (PBS, check local listings) TBA
Larry King (CNN, 9 p.m. EDT) Lou Dobbs
Jon Stewart (Comedy Central, 11 p.m. EDT) Chris Hansen (repeat)
Stephen Colbert (Comedy Central, 11:30 p.m. EDT) Katie Couric (repeat)
David Letterman (CBS, 11:30 p.m. EDT) Sienna Miller, Jim Barber with Seville, Nas (repeat)
Jay Leno (NBC, 11:35 p.m. EDT) Gerard Butler, Tim McGraw
Jimmy Kimmel (ABC, 12:05 a.m. EDT) Hilary Swank, the latest “Dancing With the Stars” castoff, Hilary Duff
Conan O’Brien (NBC, 12:35 a.m. EDT) Rosario Dawson, Martina McBride
Craig Ferguson (CBS, 12:35 a.m. EDT) Rose McGowan, chef Wolfgang Puck, Billy D. Washington

 

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Fix contributors: Dipayan Gupta, Heather Havrilesky, Scott Lamb, Kerry Lauerman, David Marchese, Laura Miller, Andrew O’Hehir, Amy Reiter, Stephanie Zacharek

Fix logo by Rhonda Rubinstein

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