Scott Lamb

The Fix

Timbaland blasts Scott Storch. Twist in ex-Marine's gay porn investigation. Plus: Vera Wang says she's no fashion empire.

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First Word

Zell wins auction: It looks as if real estate billionaire Sam Zell’s last-minute bump in his bidding price for the Tribune Co. has paid off — the company announced this morning that Zell has won the auction. His offer reportedly went to $13 billion, or $34 a share. (Wall Street Journal, CNN Money)

DRM, bye-bye: At a press conference today in London, Apple and record giant EMI announced what tech blog rumors had been suspecting for some time: All of EMI’s catalog will now be available on iTunes without the digital rights management software that limits copying. Tracks from EMI artists — from the Rolling Stones to the Decemberists — will be of a higher quality (256k) and higher price, but users will be able to do with the MP3s as they will. Apple CEO Steve Jobs said in a press release that “selling digital music DRM-free is the right step forward for the music industry.” (Tech Crunch, EMI)

Timbaland straight-talks: In case there was any lingering doubt who hip-hop artist Timbaland is referring to in “Give It to Me” — the first single off his debut album “Timbaland Presents Shock Value” — he made it clear Sunday night. While performing the song at the Marquee, Timbaland shouted, “Scott Storch is a bitch!” Storch, 32, the record producer who has worked with Beyoncé, 50 Cent and Jessica Simpson, used to be friends with Timbaland, 36. Rumors were that “Give It to Me” was directed at Storch (who even made a revenge video over the song), but Timbaland had denied it in the past. When he also improvised the line “Scott Storch, I’m a real producer and you just a piano man,” though, it left no doubt that the two had had a falling out. Representatives for both artists declined to comment. (Page Six)

Talker

More on Matt The Marines’ investigation of Matt Sanchez, the former Marine and gay porn star (who recently appeared in these pages) took a turn on Friday when the Corps revealed it was investigating Sanchez not only for his career in porn but also for allegedly soliciting funds from the New York City United War Veterans Council and U-Haul for his purported deployment to Iraq — the USMC says he arranged a $300 payment from the veterans group and $12,000 from U-Haul. Sanchez told the Marine Corps Times that the allegations are “demonstrably false,” and the investigation is now in the hands of Brig. Gen. Darrell Moore, who will decide what happens next. (“Sanchez Investigation Wraps Up,” Marine Corps Times)

White noise … Former child actor Brian Bonsall — aka Andy Keaton from “Family Ties” — was arrested Sunday in Boulder, Colo., on charges of assaulting his girlfriend. (Los Angeles Times) … In other former child star news, Marie Osmond announced on Friday that she and Brian Blosil, her husband of 20 years, are getting divorced. (People) … Larry Seidlin — one of the judges in the Anna Nicole Smith case — will reportedly be meeting this week with prospective TV producers in Los Angeles interested in making a courtroom show in which he would star. (Broadcasting & Cable) … Philip Roth has been awarded the first-ever PEN/Saul Bellow Award for Achievement in American Fiction. (CBS News)

Buzz Index

“People always say I’m an empire. Ralph Lauren is an empire. Chanel. Armani. Not me!”

Vera Wang, being modest about her position in fashion. (Ella via Page Six)

Numbers

The weekend box office:

Movie: Weekend total: Per-screen average:
1. “Blades of Glory” $33 million $9,786
2. “Meet the Robinsons” $25 million $7,341
3. “300″ $11.2 million $3,713
4. “TMNT” $9.2 million $2,935
5. “Wild Hogs” $8.4 million $2,621

(Yahoo Movies)

Turn On

This Monday, “Lincoln Heights” (ABC Family, 7 p.m. EDT) and “Prison Break” (Fox, 8 p.m. EDT) have their season finales, a Minneapolis chef downs the creepiest grub in “Bizarre Foods With Andrew Zimmerman” (Travel Channel, 9 p.m. EDT), “American Experience” (PBS, check local listings) follows the career of evangelist Aimee McPherson and 25 hopeful ladies vie for a Navy Seal in the premiere of “The Bachelor: Officer and a Gentleman” (ABC, 9:45 p.m. EDT).

Talk

SHOW GUESTS
Regis and Kelly (ABC, 9 a.m. EDT) Dakota Fanning, Derek Jeter, Sarah McLachlan (repeat)
The View (ABC, 11 a.m. EDT) Chris Rock, Kerry Washington, Cyndi Lauper, guest co-host Jacque Reid (repeat)
Ellen (Syndicated, check local listings) Howie Mandel, Joey Fatone, Kym Johnson, Blue Man Group, Lynrd Skynrd
Oprah (Syndicated, check local listings) Miss USA Rachel Smith
Charlie Rose (PBS, check local listings) Live Schreiber, Eric Bogosian
Larry King (CNN, 9 p.m. EDT) TBA
Jon Stewart (Comedy Central, 11 p.m. EDT) John Bolton (repeat)
Stephen Colbert (Comedy Central, 11:30 p.m. EDT) Willie Nelson (repeat)
David Letterman (CBS, 11:30 p.m. EDT) Stupid Human Tricks, Jake Gyllenhaal, Brand New (repeat)
Jay Leno (NBC, 11:35 p.m. EDT) Kurt Russell, Shia LaBeouf, Hilary Duff
Jimmy Kimmel (ABC, 12:05 a.m. EDT) Amy Poehler, Carmela Anthony, Josh Groban
Conan O’Brien (NBC, 12:35 a.m. EDT) Quentin Tarantino, Jesse L. Martin, Brian Kiley
Craig Ferguson (CBS, 12:35 a.m. EDT) Josh Brolin, Jason Segel, the Noisettes

 

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The Fix

Hot dog vendor hit with foie gras fine. Clooney says, "It wasn't me!" Plus: The critics on this weekend's big movies.

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First Word

Spears and Federline reach settlement: At a five-hour meeting Thursday at her lawyer’s office in Los Angeles, Britney Spears hammered out a divorce settlement with her ex, Kevin Federline. “The parties signed a global settlement on all issues of their marriage and the custody of the children,” said a spokesman for Federline’s lawyer. The terms weren’t officially revealed, but a source tells TMZ that they’ll have 50/50 joint custody and that Federline will walk away with $1 million. (People, TMZ)

Clooney not the leaker: George Clooney wants the world to know he was not the one who leaked the clip of director David O. Russell yelling at Lily Tomlin that made the YouTube rounds recently (Clooney and Russell also famously got into a fight on the set of “Three Kings”). Writing to Radar and Defamer, Clooney said: “Contrary to popular opinion, neither the sound man, Ed Tise, nor yours truly sent in the David O. Russell tape. I saw it when we were working on ‘Ocean’s 12,’ and there have been quite a few copies traveling around town for the last couple of years. Any rumor that either of us put it on the Internet is simply false. And I’d offer a million bucks to anyone who would prove otherwise.” (Defamer, YouTube)

J.Lo banned from the block: Ritmo Latino, the biggest Latino music chain in the U.S., has taken Jennifer Lopez’s music off its shelves. The company says that Lopez has turned her back on Hispanic stores. President David Massry told the New York Daily News that Lopez “has refused to promote her new CD in any of our stores” or any other Latino-only outlets. Strange, especially since her latest album, “Como Ama una Mujer,” is recorded in Spanish. “We’ve supported her from the beginning,” says Massry. “Now we’re told by her record company she will only visit Anglo retail outlets.” (N.Y. Daily News)

Talkers

This week in God: Catholic League president Bill Donohue has taken on the creators of “South Park,” but now he’s leveling his Bible at off-Broadway hit “Stairway to Hell,” produced by Jeff Beacher and Randy Weiner. In the musical, a band is accidentally sent to heaven, where it finds a dearth of rock ‘n’ roll. Weiner, who has hired security guards for the cast, quips, “He [Donohue] says the show deserves to be in hell, so I’m taking it to Vegas where it belongs!” But the show isn’t Donohue’s only current target. He’s also protesting an exhibit at Manhattan’s Lab Gallery showcasing Cosimo Cavallaro’s “My Sweet Lord” — a 6-foot-long Jesus made out of chocolate. Donohue calls it “one of the worst assaults on Christian sensibilities ever,” and considers it particularly tasteless with Easter being around the corner. (TMZ, BBC)

Foie gras fine: The first fine for a violation of Chicago’s ban on foie gras has been handed down to a hot dog vendor in the Windy City. As the New York Times reports, “The city imposed a fine of $250 Thursday on Doug Sohn, the proprietor of Hot Doug’s, a restaurant on the city’s northwest side that describes itself as a Sausage Superstore and Encased Meat Emporium.” (“Hot Dog Menu Draws a $250 Foie Gras Fine,” New York Times)

White noise … Prosecutors in Los Angeles said on Thursday they will ask a judge to reject Paris Hilton’s probation, meaning she could face jail time — she was caught driving with a suspended license in February, but claims she didn’t know it was suspended. (Paris Hilton) … Michael Jackson’s (right) spokesperson says the pop star was not hospitalized yesterday, but is at home recovering from whatever ails him: “He was a little under the weather when he returned from Europe. He probably had a bad cold or the flu. But he was never hospitalized.” (BBC News) … More rumors that Nicole Kidman is pregnant — a source close to the couple says “Nicole and Keith are having a baby. They’ve been riding on clouds since they got the news. Nicole’s been hoping for this day since they got married.” (All Headline News) … Other pregnancy news: Us Weekly reports on rumors that “The Lookout” actress Isla Fisher is pregnant with her first child with fiancé Sacha Baron Cohen. (Us Online)

Judgment

Yuks on ice: Will Ferrell’s new ice-skating comedy, “Blades of Glory,” is the odds-on favorite to be this weekend’s biggest movie. The tale of macho Chazz Michael Michaels (Ferrell) and his onetime skating rival, the effeminate Jimmy MacElroy (Jon Heder), who unite as a skating duo to save their careers, makes much of the male-male skating pair. As Salon’s Stephanie Zacharek writes: “On some level, I’m sure you could read ‘Blades of Glory’ as a brief for the acceptance of gay marriage. But while I don’t think ‘Blades of Glory’ is exactly homophobic — it’s not mean-spirited enough for that — there’s something a little too cheap and easy about the way it plays up to the ultra-straight guys in its target demographic.” New York Times critic Stephen Holden disagrees, saying the film “avoids going to the obvious, ugly place for cheap laughs.” In the Los Angeles Times, Kevin Crust finds “Blades” is better on ice than off, writing it’s “an often hysterical parody as long as bodies are in motion, nailing the compulsories of a sport ripe for caricature, but skates on thinner ice outside the rink.”

Kansas City noir: If you’re more in the mood for a thriller than another Ferrell sports comedy this weekend, Scott Frank’s “The Lookout” is “so refreshingly straightforward that at first you may not know what to make of it,” says Zacharek in Salon today. “‘The Lookout’ is without a doubt a movie made for grown-ups, the kind of picture we used to take for granted but now have to consciously seek out.” Matt Zoller Seitz, writing in the New York Times, is less impressed. Noting that the screenplay was long considered one of Hollywood’s unproduced gems, he writes that “the end product doesn’t justify that buildup,” but he still thinks the “movie is worth seeing for its cast.” Chicago Sun-Times reviewer Richard Roeper is quite a bit less restrained: “Every once in a great while I walk out of a screening room feeling like a kid on Christmas morning, bursting to share my euphoric mood. It’s because I’ve seen a small film that strikes me as an instant masterpiece — a movie I know will stay with me for the rest of my life. It happened with ‘Reservoir Dogs,’ it happened with ‘Memento,’ it happened with ‘In America’ — and it has happened again with ‘The Lookout.’”

Buzz Index

Turn On

This Friday, Jeff Goldblum’s detective series “Raines” (NBC, 9 p.m. EDT) settles into its new time, Tom Pelphrey guest-stars on “Numb3rs” (CBS, 10 p.m. EDT), and Jason Lewis appears on “Six Degrees” (ABC, 9 p.m. EDT). On Sunday, Jonathan Rhys Meyers stars in the premiere of “The Tudors” (Showtime, 10 p.m. EDT), there’s a two-hour special of “The Amazing Race: All Stars” (CBS, 8 p.m. EDT), TV scions make their reality show debut on “Sons of Hollywood” (A&E, 10 p.m. EDT), Jerry Seinfeld and Anderson Cooper assemble a panel of comedians in the TV premiere of “Jerry Seinfeld: The Comedian Award” (HBO, 9 p.m. EDT), and “Reno 911!” (Comedy Central, 10:30 p.m.) returns to the small screen for the premiere of its fourth season.

Talk

SHOW GUESTS
Regis and Kelly (ABC, 9 a.m. EDT) Madonna, America Ferrera, relationship expert Dr. Ludwig (repeat)
The View (ABC, 11 a.m. EDT) Camryn Manheim, Andy Baldwin
Ellen (Syndicated, check local listings) Gwen Stefani (repeat)
Oprah (Syndicated, check local listings) Oprah discusses the environment
Charlie Rose (PBS, check local listings) Billy Packer, CBS Sports
Larry King (CNN, 9 p.m. EDT) Lawrence Roach, who has been ordered to pay alimony to his ex-wife who is now living as a man
David Letterman (CBS, 11:30 p.m. EDT) Donald Trump, Jon Heder
Jay Leno (NBC, 11:35 p.m. EDT) Amy Poehler, Ozomatli
Jimmy Kimmel (ABC, 12:05 a.m. EDT) Will Arnett, Evan Ross, TV on the Radio
Conan O’Brien (NBC, 12:35 a.m. EDT) Howard Stern, Jim Gaffigan (repeat)
Craig Ferguson (CBS, 12:35 a.m. EDT) Chandra Wilson, Bobby Miyamoto, Bone Thugs-N-Harmony

 

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Fix contributors: Dipayan Gupta, Heather Havrilesky, Scott Lamb, Kerry Lauerman, David Marchese, Laura Miller, Andrew O’Hehir, Amy Reiter, Stephanie Zacharek

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The Fix

Trump gets set for Wrestlemania. Penelope Cruz and Josh Hartnett? Plus: Rowan Atkinson laughs "once every five years."

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First Word

Diddy pulls a Sting: P. Diddy bragged to a London tabloid that he had tantric sex with girlfriend Kim Porter for “at least 30 hours” on their recent trip to Paris. The rap mogul with the ever-changing moniker claimed: “As meticulous as I am with my work, I’m more meticulous with my lovemaking.” (TMZ)

Stand-up Bush and MC Rove: Nothing at Wednesday night’s Radio and Television Correspondents’ Association dinner matched Stephen Colbert’s performance at last year’s White House Correspondents’ Association dinner, but there was something great in seeing Karl Rove brought up onstage for an improvised rap in which he played MC Rove and jumped around a lot. (You can watch the performance here.) President Bush was in a joking mood, too: “A year ago my approval rating was in the 30s, my nominee for the Supreme Court had just withdrawn, and my vice president had shot someone,” he quipped. “Ah, those were the good ol’ days.” He made light of the prosecutor firing scandal as well, saying, “I have to admit we really blew the way we let those attorneys go. You know you’ve botched it when people sympathize with lawyers.” (Politico, Crooks and Liars, Associated Press)

Battle of the billionaires: Donald Trump and WWE chairman Vince McMahon are set to battle it out at “Wrestlemania 23″ this Sunday. Both will have a WWE superstar fight in their stead, and the loser will have to shave his head. But Trump isn’t the sort of man to wait around backstage. At a press conference, Trump lashed out at McMahon, saying, “We used to be (friends) but I don’t like him one damn bit lately and I mean that.” Then, just as the two were supposed to shake hands, Trump slapped McMahon in the face. The WWE chairman was then pummeled by Trump’s security guards. (TMZ)

Talker

My first cellphone: The new parenting debate: How young is too young for a cellphone? As the New York Times reports today, cellphone ownership among elementary school students is up sharply. Some statistics: “After securing a foothold in the teenage market, cellphones are quickly emerging as the must-have techno-toy among elementary-school society … Industry analysts say the ‘tween market, defined as 8- to 12-year-olds, represents one of the major growth opportunities for the wireless industry … The number of 8-year-olds with phones more than doubled to 506,000 over the past four years while the number of 9-year-olds jumped to 1.25 million from 501,000.” (“Child Wants Cellphone; Reception Is Mixed,” New York Times)

White noise . . . Former Jane magazine editor Jane Pratt claimed on her satellite radio show this week that she once hooked up with a famous starlet: “I did have sex with Drew Barrymore.” (Socialite Life) … The new cover image for the final Harry Potter book (right) has been revealed. (Associated Press) … Rumor has it that Padma Lakshmi is leaving her husband, Salman Rushdie — the couple’s friend Diane von Furstenberg was recently overheard talking about it, saying, “I can’t believe she’s leaving him.” (Page Six) … Penélope Cruz and Josh Hartnett were spotted getting all “touchy-feely” at a restaurant in Los Angeles recently, according to In Touch magazine. (Rush & Molloy) … David Duchovny confirmed this week that he’s in negotiations for a movie version of “The X-Files,” and that Gillian Anderson will return as Agent Scully if the movie gets a green light. (Los Angeles Times)

; )

“Khalid Sheikh Mohammed Confesses to Confessing Under Torture” (The Onion)

Buzz Index

“I don’t laugh very much at all. I smile and I am enjoying myself but I don’t laugh out loud, hardly ever — maybe once every five years.”

– Brit Rowan Atkinson — best known as Mr. Bean — on keeping the laughs to himself. (Contact Music)

Numbers

Billboard album charts:
1. “We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank,” Modest Mouse (129,000 copies)
2. “Introducing Joss Stone,” Joss Stone (118,000 copies)
3. “Elliott Yamin,” Elliott Yamin (90,000 copies)
4. “Daughtry,” Daughtry (76,000 copies)
5. “Veteran,” Marques Houston (69,000 copies)
(Billboard)

This Thursday, there’s a five-episode marathon of “The Office” (NBC, 8 p.m. EDT), Placido Domingo stars in the premiere broadcast of Chinese composer Tan Dun’s opera in “Great Performances at the Met” (PBS, check local listings), Annabelle Gurwitch documents the difficulties of being snubbed by Hollywood in “Fired!” (Showtime, 8:30 p.m. EDT), and Ira Glass’ “This American Life” (Showtime, 10:30 p.m. EDT) follows up last week’s premiere with a new episode featuring a 14-year-old boy who has decided that he will never, ever fall in love.

Talk

SHOW GUESTS
Regis and Kelly (ABC, 9 a.m. EDT) Dustin Hoffman, John O’Hurley (repeat)
The View (ABC, 11 a.m. EDT) Jonathan Rhys Meyers, guest co-host Marcia Gay Harden
Ellen (Syndicated, check local listings) Diane Keaton (repeat)
Oprah (Syndicated, check local listings) Why I cut off my breasts
Charlie Rose (PBS, check local listings) Jessica Mathews, Kanan Makiya
Larry King (CNN, 9 p.m. EDT) TBA
Jon Stewart (Comedy Central, 11 p.m. EDT) Philip Zimbardo
Stephen Colbert (Comedy Central, 11:30 p.m. EDT) Clive James
David Letterman (CBS, 11:30 p.m. EDT) Rosario Dawson, Bloc Party
Jay Leno (NBC, 11:35 p.m. EDT) Campbell Brown, Will Arnett, Dave Koz, Johnny Mathis
Jimmy Kimmel (ABC, 12:05 a.m. EDT) Kiele Sanchez, Josh Gardner
Conan O’Brien (NBC, 12:35 a.m. EDT) Martha Stewart, Brian Posehn, My Morning Jacket (repeat)
Craig Ferguson (CBS, 12:35 a.m. EDT) Jeff Goldblum, Nia Long, Papa Roach

 

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Would-be Hitler assassin's family doesn't want Cruise cast. Burger King goes "cage-free." Plus: Reese and Jake an item?

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First Word

Cruise worries von Stauffenberg clan: The family of Claus Schenk Graf von Stauffenberg, the Nazi colonel behind the failed suitcase-bomb plot to assassinate Hitler, is concerned about the news that Tom Cruise may be playing von Stauffenberg for an upcoming film. “I have nothing against him [Cruise] and can even separate his work from his beliefs in Scientology,” von Stauffenberg’s grandson, Count Caspar Schenk, told reporters. “But I and other family members are worried that the picture will be financed by the sect and be used to get across its propaganda.” (Guardian)

Plot to steal Pax? Angelina Jolie reportedly escaped a plot to kidnap her newly adopted son upon his arrival in the United States. As Life & Style Weekly reports this week, a gang of kidnappers hatched a “credible and serious” plan to abduct Pax Thien and then ransom him for $100 million. A source close to Jolie describes the plotters as “highly skilled operatives with little regard for human life.” Jolie and Brad Pitt have also reportedly installed a $500,000 security system in their New Orleans home, which is just a block away from a police station. (TMZ, Life & Style Weekly via TMZ)

Bad news in magazine land: Following Tuesday’s news that Life magazine has ceased publication, two more titles are facing cuts. Meredith publishing has announced that it’s closing down Child magazine after the June/July issue, though it will continue to have an online presence. Meredith has cut 30 staffers from the magazine and 30 more across other parts of the company. Meanwhile, American Media has laid off 20 people, 12 of them from Star magazine, including executive editor Jon Auerbach. (Media Week, Keith Kelly)

Talkers

It’s a wonderful town: “For Wal-Mart, New York City has long loomed as a tantalizing prize — the home of more than eight million consumers and attention-grabbing stores for just about every major retailer in the country,” writes the New York Times today, which makes Wal-Mart chief executive H. Lee Scott Jr.’s admission yesterday that Wal-Mart is giving up on trying to gain a foothold in New York City all the more surprising. “I don’t care if we are ever here,” he told reporters on Tuesday. “I don’t think it’s worth the effort.” In the face of union resistance and community pressure, Wal-Mart says it’s forgoing any further plans to open an outlet in Manhattan, and says it has faced similar troubles in major cities from Los Angeles to Cleveland. (“Wal-Mart Chief Writes Off New York,” New York Times)

Pun Times: Elsewhere, the Times can’t stop with the wordplay. Here’s the lead from “From Rabbi, the Eclectic Shul Aid Matzo Test,” a story about a rabbi in upstate New York who makes matzo in a retrofitted school bus: “Call it a bus mitzvah. Or maybe ‘bus matzo.’” (New York Times)

Burger King going toward cage-free: After talks with the Humane Society and PETA, Burger King has announced it’s going to start buying free-range eggs and pork. Its goal over the next few months, writes the New York Times, is “for 2 percent of its eggs to be ‘cage free,’ and for 10 percent of its pork to come from farms that allow sows to move around inside pens, rather than being confined to crates.” Animal welfare advocates are calling the move a “historic advance” — Burger King is the world’s second-largest hamburger chain. In addition to the move toward cage-free products, the Times says that Burger King will “favor suppliers of chickens that use gas, or ‘controlled-atmospheric stunning,’ rather than electric shocks to knock birds unconscious before slaughter.” (“Burger King Shifts Policy on Animals,” New York Times)

White noise … Sources tell Perez Hilton that Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal are a couple. “They are 100 percent dating,” says an insider. “Reese and Jake are being smart about things and keeping their relationship very discrete [sic] and out of the public eye.” (Perez Hilton) … Wynonna Judd (right) has filed for divorce from her estranged husband, D.R. Roach, after he was arrested last week on three counts of aggravated sexual battery against a minor. (People) … Fresh on the heels of rumors he’s dating Lindsay Lohan, a source close to British crooner James Blunt tells People that he and model Petra Nemcova split up in February after dating for just over a year. (People) … Allegra Versace, 20, has entered a hospital in Los Angeles to get treatment for anorexia — her mother, Donatella, released a statement saying that Allegra has been struggling with the “very serious disease for many years,” but is now “receiving the best medical care possible to help overcome this illness and is responding well.” (Page Six) … O.J. Simpson’s “If I Did It” could be a step closer to hitting the shelves — a court in Sacramento, Calif., has set April 17 as the date for an auction of the book’s rights. (Reuters) … Jack Valenti, 85, the former Motion Picture Association of America president who devised the movie ratings system, was hospitalized following a stroke; he is recovering at Johns Hopkins University Medical Center in Baltimore. (Associated Press)

Buzz Index

“I do think one should have clean feet. I clip, clip, clip and buff, buff, buff and really, anyone can spend time with some pumice stone. Maintenance is terribly important.”

Manolo Blahnik on foot upkeep. (Page Six)

Numbers

Last week’s top TV:
1. “American Idol,” Tuesday (Fox), 29.96 million viewers
2. “American Idol,” Wednesday (Fox), 27.08 million viewers
3. “Grey’s Anatomy” (ABC), 22.3 million viewers
4. “Dancing With the Stars” (ABC), 21.8 million viewers
5. “C.S.I.: Miami” (CBS), 17.66 million viewers

(Nielsen ratings from Zap2It)

Turn On

This Wednesday, Gwen Stefani performs for the castoffs of “American Idol” (Fox, 9 p.m. EDT), “What Not to Wear” (BBC America, 10 p.m. EDT) kicks off a new season, the gross-out farce “Halfway Home” (Comedy Central, 10 p.m. EDT) follows up last week’s debut, and gerontologist Ken Dychtwald asks what makes baby boomers so special on “Boomer Century” (PBS, check local listings).

Talk

SHOW GUESTS
Regis and Kelly (ABC, 9 a.m. EDT) Will Ferrell, David James Elliott (repeat)
The View (ABC, 11 a.m. EDT) Patricia Arquette, Macy Gray, guest co-host Jacque Reid
Ellen (Syndicated, check local listings) Oprah Winfrey (repeat)
Oprah (Syndicated, check local listings) Sidney Poitier
Charlie Rose (PBS, check local listings) Exploring the science of living longer
Larry King (CNN, 9 p.m. EDT) TBA
Jon Stewart (Comedy Central, 11 p.m. EDT) Gov. Bill Richardson
Stephen Colbert (Comedy Central, 11:30 p.m. EDT) Jabari Asim
David Letterman (CBS, 11:30 p.m. EDT) Al Franken, Isla Fisher
Jay Leno (NBC, 11:35 p.m. EDT) Hilary Swank, Carlos Mencia, Gym Class Heroes
Jimmy Kimmel (ABC, 12:05 a.m. EDT) Heather Mills, Laura Prepon, Young Buck
Conan O’Brien (NBC, 12:35 a.m. EDT) Will Ferrell, Tom Everett Scott, Death Cab for Cutie (repeat)
Craig Ferguson (CBS, 12:35 a.m. EDT) Sigourney Weaver, Kal Penn, the Ataris

 

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Paglia on women and power. Life magazine closes down. Plus: Clooney to play Liberace?

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First Word

Anna’s autopsy: For all the build-up surrounding it, the coroner’s report yesterday on Anna Nicole Smith’s autopsy was fairly straightforward. A laundry list of drugs (including Benadryl, Klonopin, Valium, Ativan, atropine, topiramate, ciprofloxacin) combined with sleep drug chloral hydrate to cause acute drug intoxication. Not that the results settle the matter for conspiracy theorists — TMZ was immediately asking, “Who Gave Anna Fatal Dose?” You can read the whole report at the Smoking Gun. (People, TMZ ,the Smoking Gun)

YouTube awards announced: Though it’s almost April, the winners of the 2006 YouTube Video Awards have just been announced. As Virginia Heffernan writes in the New York Times, “To older hands, the award winners, announced yesterday, will be recognizable as YouTube veterans”: There’s the band OK Go on their treadmills, Ask A Ninja, the Wine Kone and the Free Hugs Campaign. Heffernan also sees lonelygirl15′s shutout (the series was nominated for several awards) as evidence of the “widespread animus” toward it from YouTube users. You can see the winners and their videos here. (New York Times, YouTube)

Debut

ONN, the Onion News Network: Making the inevitable jump into video fake news, the Onion launched an online news network on Tuesday that bills itself as “faster, harder, scarier and all-knowing.” Taking the YouTube model as its own, the network is basically a series of short videos posted online. Onion president Sean Mills tells Variety, “Our competitors are MSNBC and CNN… What we are trying to create is a broadcast-quality newscast on the Internet.” You can watch a clip here. (“Onion Launching Video Newscast,” Variety )

Talker

Paglia on Alpha Women: In a weekend feature for the Toronto Globe and Mail, Camille Paglia points to some literature that might shed light on the relationship between women and power. (Today’s N.Y. Times has a related piece on how Hillary Clinton has dealt with the military in her career.) The first work Paglia discusses is Henrik Ibsen’s play “Hedda Gabler.” Writing that Hillary Clinton, like Gabler, identifies with her military father, Paglia says, “The first-born Hillary, with her vaulting ambition, became his true son.” According to Paglia, Joyce Tyldesley’s “Hatchepsut: The Female Pharaoh” and Shakespeare’s “Antony and Cleopatra” also show that “This is the new feminism. The path to power for women lies through male territory.” (“Why Can’t A Woman… ,” Globe and Mail)

White noise … Velvet Revolver crooner Scott Weiland’s wife, Mary, was arrested over the weekend after trashing the hotel room she was sharing with her husband and then setting fire to a pile of his clothes — reportedly worth $10,000 — outside their house hours later. (Yahoo! News) … Life Magazine (right) is ceasing publication again — it has closed twice before, in 1972 and 2000 — though it looks this time like the shuttering will be permanent, as the magazine is moving its photo archive online. (N.Y. Times) … Ricky Gervais is getting his leading role in Hollywood — the “Office” and “Extras” star will star in the romantic comedy “Ghost Town,” coming in October. (BBC News) … Looks like those rumors about Lindsay Lohan and James Blunt are all too true; the actress told People on Monday night, “I’m dating. I’m really happy and I’m having fun.” (People)

Judgment

Couric’s interview with John and Elizabeth: Katie Couric’s high-profile interview with John and Elizabeth Edwards, just days after they announced that Elizabeth’s cancer had returned, included a strange conceit — Couric, who has made a reputation as a cancer awareness-raiser since losing her husband Jay Monahan to colon cancer in 1998, kept mum on her own experience. (See Salon’s Walter Shapiro on Couric’s interview here.) As the Los Angeles Times writes on Tuesday, “Couric’s steadfast approach worked initially and then collapsed under the weight of the interview’s essential lie… [h]ere is her Catch-22, at times projected onto her, at others self-imposed: She opts for schoolgirl charm with a head of state and comes off as silly. With the Edwardses, she went with tough-minded and came off as priggish.” (“Couric Interviews the Edwardses, From a Distance,” )

; )

Injured Troops Request Extended Tours to Avoid Being Sent to Walter Reed (The Onion)

Buzz Index

“I like the idea but I think the role would be more suited to the likes of a comedian like Robin Williams. If it works out, fine, but am I really camp enough?”

George Clooney on being offered the part of Liberace for an upcoming biopic. (Dark Horizons)

Numbers

Bestsellers:
No. 1 new fiction on next week’s New York Times list: “Nineteen Minutes,” by Jodi Picoult
No. 1 new nonfiction on next week’s New York Times list: “In an Instant,” by Lee and Bob Woodruff
No. 1 seller on Powells.com: “The Undercover Economist,” by Tim Harford
No. 1 seller on Amazon.com: “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows,” by J.K. Rowling (out July 21)

Turn On

This Tuesday, it’s the season finale of “Dirt” (FX, 10 p.m. EDT), Gwen Stefani mentors “American Idol” (Fox, 8 p.m. EDT), Dionne Warwick serenades the first castoffs of “Dancing With the Stars” (The CW, 9 p.m. EDT), Lowell Bergman examines the impact of Al Jazeera on global media in the final installment of “Frontline’s” four-part series, “News War” (PBS, check local listings), and Donny Osmond hosts the premiere of “The Great American Dream Vote” (ABC, 10 p.m. EDT), a show that lets you vote on which contestant’s dreams should come true.

Talk

SHOW GUESTS
Regis and Kelly (ABC, 9 a.m. EDT) Russel Crowe (repeat)
The View (ABC, 11 a.m. EDT) John Lithgow, guest co-host Beth Ostrosky
Ellen (Syndicated, check local listings) Will Ferrell, Elliot Yamin
Oprah (Syndicated, check local listings) $100K surprsise, an Olympic hero’s twist of fate, a multimillion dollar dream house, and 21 days without complaining
Charlie Rose (PBS, check local listings) Madeleine Albright, Newt Gingrich
Larry King (CNN, 9 p.m. EDT) TBA
Jon Stewart (Comedy Central, 11 p.m. EDT) Dennis Miller
Stephen Colbert (Comedy Central, 11:30 p.m. EDT) Madeleine Albright, James Fallows
David Letterman (CBS, 11:30 p.m. EDT) Patricia Arquette, Paul Mooney, Macy Gray
Jay Leno (NBC, 11:35 p.m. EDT) Jeff Foxworthy, Sahara Desert runner, Dierks Bentley
Jimmy Kimmel (ABC, 12:05 a.m. EDT) Jenny McCarthy, “Dancing with the Stars” castoff
Conan O’Brien (NBC, 12:35 a.m. EDT) Sascha Baron Cohen as “Borat”, Jack McBrayer, Mastodon (repeat)
Craig Ferguson (CBS, 12:35 a.m. EDT) Randy Jackson, Piper Perabo

 

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The Fix

Hillary hits Hollywood. The demise of the album? Plus: Prince Harry's drunken night.

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First Word

Stay tuned…: An announcement on Anna Nicole Smith’s autopsy is expected later today — Broward County Medical Examiner Joshua Perper will hold a press conference at 10:30 EDT this morning to announce his findings. Keep an eye on TMZ for updates. (Houston Chronicle)

Hillary in Hollywood: Jennifer Aniston may not have been there, but Hillary Clinton’s weekend fundraiser in Los Angeles made up in money what it may have lacked in A-list star power. Clinton’s supporters raised $2.6 million at the event, thrown by grocery magnate Ron Burkle (recently named in that Page Six-related lawsuit with Clinton), with guests like Barbra Streisand, Mary Steenburgen and Ted Danson. The take was twice what Barack Obama made in his far more star-studded Hollywood fundraiser thrown by David Geffen last month. (Fox 411)

Tribune going with Zell? The Wall Street Journal is reporting that the Tribune Co. is said to be favoring a buy-out offer from real estate billionaire Sam Zell. Zell’s offer for the entire company — which would include the Chicago Tribune, Los Angeles Times, the Baltimore Sun and Newsday, 23 television stations, the Chicago Cubs baseball team and a minority Food Network stake — includes a plan to take the company private. As a profile in today’s New York Times notes, Zell has said he’s interested in media “not because he has any special affection for newspapers or wants to wield editorial control, but because he wants to make money.” (Wall Street Journal)

Talker

The end of the album? Ten years ago, record companies had almost ceased putting out singles — but with the rise of iTunes, as the New York Times writes today, the buying trend has switched so drastically that now it’s the album whose days may be numbered. “Last year, digital singles outsold plastic CDs for the first time,” reports the paper, and so far this year, “buyers of digital music are purchasing singles over albums by a margin of 19 to 1.” Some new artists are being given contracts not to record entire records, but a few songs and perhaps a ring tone — which might lead to an album if there’s a hit. “I think the album is going to die,” one media consultant tells the Times. “Consumers who have had iPods since they were in the single digits are going to increasingly gravitate toward artists who embrace that.” (“The Album, a Commodity in Disfavor,” New York Times)

White noise … Britney Spears made her first public post-rehab appearance in Los Angeles on Friday night when she headed out for sushi; on Sunday, Spears was rushed to the hospital for what her P.R. rep says was a toothache. (TMZ) … Prince Harry (right) was snapped stumbling to his car after a night of drinking on Saturday, and reportedly got into a shoving match with a paparazzo. (News of the World) … Hollywood’s newest speculative couple: Lindsay Lohan has been spotted out with British crooner James Blunt. (The Scoop) … Michael Jackson is reportedly looking to build a 50-foot robotic effigy of himself in Las Vegas, complete with laser beams shooting out of it, if he lands a long-term show gig there. (Rush & Molloy) … Two paparazzi are suing Denise Richards and Pamela Anderson over an incident last November in which Richards reportedly grabbed the photographers’ computers and tossed them over a balcony at a Vancouver casino. The suit also claims Richards and Anderson then defamed the photogs to police. (People) … After reportedly making nasty comments during a recent visit to Nobu Matsuhisa’s restaurant in Aspen, Colo., Jeremy Piven has been banned from all Nobu restaurants. (Gatecrasher)

Bad Times

A New York Times “Editors’ Note” that appeared Sunday reports, “The cover article in The Times Magazine on March 18 reported on women who served in Iraq, the sexual abuse that some of them endured and the struggle for all of them to reclaim their prewar lives. One of the servicewomen, Amorita Randall, a former naval construction worker, told The Times that she was in combat in Iraq in 2004 and that in one incident an explosive device blew up a Humvee she was riding in, killing the driver and leaving her with a brain injury. She also said she was raped twice while she was in the Navy … Based on the information that came to light after the article was printed, it is now clear that Ms. Randall did not serve in Iraq, but may have become convinced she did.” The Times explains that the Navy had confirmed to a fact-checker that Randall had received a “Global War on Terrorism Expeditionary Medal with Marine Corps insignia,” but the Navy now says she was given the medal because “of a clerical error,” and she was actually stationed in Guam. According to a Military Times article, “The Navy, while expressing sympathy to a woman it believes is suffering from stress, is annoyed that the Times did so little to check the woman’s story. A Times fact checker contacted Navy headquarters only three days before the magazine’s deadline. That, said Capt. Tom Van Leunen, deputy chief of information for the Navy, did not provide enough time to confirm Randall’s account of service in Iraq. Nonetheless, Van Leunen said, by deadline the Navy had provided enough information to the Times ‘to seriously question whether she’d been in Iraq.’ ” (New York Times, Military Times)

Buzz Index

“If I know 15 billionaires, then I know 13 unhappy people. These people’s lives might be filled with mansions and yachts and private jets, but their medicine cabinets are also filled with antidepressants.”

– Def jam co-founder Russell Simmons on rich friends in his new memoir, “Do You!” (Page Six)

Numbers

The weekend box office:

Movie: Weekend total: Per-screen average:
1. “TMNT” $25.4 million $8,200
2. “300″ $20.5 million $6,300
3.“Shooter” $14.5 million $5,200
4. “Wild Hogs” $14.4 million $4,200
5. “Premonition” $10.1 million $3,600

(Rotten Tomatoes)

Turn On

This Monday, it’s the season finale of “What About Brian” (ABC, 10 p.m. EDT), Eddie Izzard and Minnie Driver con their way through another episode of “The Riches” (FX, 10 p.m. EDT), “The Party Never Stops” (Lifetime, 9 p.m. EDT) preaches the perils of binge drinking, and the basketball documentary “The UCLA Dynasty” (HBO, 10 p.m. EDT) looks back at the team’s NCAA reign of the ’60s and ’70s.

Talk

SHOW GUESTS
Regis and Kelly (ABC, 9 a.m. EDT) “Amazing Race” castoffs David and Mary Conley, Sting, Sacha Baron Cohen as “Borat” (repeat)
The View (ABC, 11 a.m. EDT) Gene Wilder, Willow Bay
Ellen (Syndicated, check local listings) Terrence Howard, Thomas Rosati, Joely Fisher, “American Idol” castoff Stephanie Edwards
Oprah (Syndicated, check local listings) Letters to Oprah
Charlie Rose (PBS, check local listings) Newt Gingrich, Bill Bradley
Larry King (CNN, 9 p.m. EDT) TBA
Jon Stewart (Comedy Central, 11 p.m. EDT) Sen. John Kerry
Stephen Colbert (Comedy Central, 11:30 p.m. EDT) John Perry Barlow
David Letterman (CBS, 11:30 p.m. EDT) Will Ferrell, Kings of Leon
Jay Leno (NBC, 11:35 p.m. EDT) Quentin Tarantino, Pete Rose, Mika
Jimmy Kimmel (ABC, 12:05 a.m. EDT) Andy Dick, Ivanka Trump, Nas (repeat)
Conan O’Brien (NBC, 12:35 a.m. EDT) Robin Williams, Christian Slater, Panic! At the Disco (repeat)
Craig Ferguson (CBS, 12:35 a.m. EDT) Joss Stone, Rainn Wilson

 

Bookmark the Fix here | See a directory of recent columns | Send tips to thefix@salon.com

Fix contributors: Dipayan Gupta, Heather Havrilesky, Scott Lamb, Kerry Lauerman, David Marchese, Laura Miller, Andrew O’Hehir, Amy Reiter, Stephanie Zacharek

Fix logo by Rhonda Rubinstein

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