"Do svidanya, baby!"

Capitalist pigs are lost in space.

Published October 5, 2000 7:01PM (EDT)

Oscar-winning "Titanic" director James Cameron is planning a stay on board the Russian space station Mir beginning next summer. U.S. businessman Dennis Tito already is planning a trip to Mir, and Hollywood producer Mark Burnett has a deal to create a "Survivor"-type series in which the winner would fly to Mir.

-- New York Post

A Russian official said today that a committee of Russian designers had recommended ditching the aging Mir space station in the Pacific Ocean.

-- New York Times

MOSCOW, July 5, 2001 -- Of course, we are regretting for the gruesome tragedy. We still cannot be believing it. Yet, it was wonderful dog and donkey show while it was lasting.

Mr. Cameron was being an uppermost film director and he will not be around anymore with much bereavement. To him we are saying, "Do svidanya, baby!" and "You are King of the Whales!"

Moneymaker Mr. Tito was also top breed of human, and the $20 million he is giving us to Russian space program will not be being spent all in one place, we are guaranteed. We are sorry his holiday was ending abruptly in a ball of flames.

We are also having blues for nice game show contestant who was being crushed by falling debris behind security hatch No. 3. This was not topmost prize as was expected by him. For us, yet, he will always be the "Survivor" even when deceasing.

We cannot restate plenty our regretting of this unfortunate mishap. No. 1 capitalists who are wanting to bestow time and rubles to Russian space program in future are being told by us do not be afraid! One big booboo is not meaning two!

But we are not dwelling on flaming fireball as we are having too many fond memories of Hollywood twinkling and big-time-mogul fun aboard research vessel that is rust and too often smelling like vomit and urine. We are not being worthy!

Happy remembrances are involving Mr. Cameron, who is later teasing that he would be preferring to be jettisoned into space orbit aboard set of "Alien" without a paddle. We are thinking he is a laugh rally. We are even joking that we are desiring Kate Winslet to come in his place, and if not, then at least Winona Ryder, because his breasts are leaving something to be fancied! And he is not taking it wrong way! Mr. Cameron was being a top-notch Hollywood cheeseball, but deep inside he is just a regular Boris. We are feeling the pain of his four widows and his agent in this time of losing.

Mr. Tito -- who was being no relation to former Yugoslav apparatchik (ha, ha, as if being!) -- was telling us often about how he is owning many luxury vehicles with leather interior and stereophonic sounds. We know he is stooping to visit crummy space station, so we are not minding when he is asking for room service and massage. He is wanting his dollars' worth, after everything. Now he is being big tipper in the sky! God bless!

Confessional: At first, we are thinking, "OK, before we were being pride-filled Soviet space station manned by utmost cosmonauts, and now we are being willy-nilly theme park for imperialist swine. No biggie!" We also are sometimes thinking that Mr. Cameron and Mr. Tito have oversize boastfulness and that Mir is not big enough for couple of them. One time, they are telling game show contestant that $1 million is only walnuts and is not making him a millionaire. This is making game show contestant cry, and we are telling him, in Moscow, he is getting all the girls because they are hungry.

Explanation: We are telling this because so many persons are interrogating why we are leaving three rich Americans on space station that is going south. Coincidation? We are thinking yes. We are wanting to make crinkly clear there was no hanky-panky in control room. We are only letting Mr. Cameron take charge because he is telling us he is No. 1 helmer in Hollywood and Paul Verhoeven cannot lick his shorts. So we are believing him. So litigate us.

Frankly, we are also thinking exit signs are being better marked. Believe us: When we are saying, "Racing you to the capsule!" we are not thinking, "Oh boy, they are cooked pork!" No!

Even though they are treating us like space stewardess, we are not having any hard feelings, only laughs!

By Carina Chocano

Carina Chocano writes about TV for Salon. She is the author of "Do You Love Me or Am I Just Paranoid?" (Villard).

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