They hate you, but they might just save your life.

TV spot for "Hot Genius Jerks With Quirky Jobs"

Television is cashing in on its most popular commodity: Brilliant SOBs


Drew Grant
June 1, 2011 12:32AM (UTC)

Between "House," "Law & Order: Criminal Intent," "Bones," "Lie to Me," and now this new show "

The Finder

" (he's a guy who is the best at ... finding stuff), I'm starting to sense a TV trend here. I am over shows where actual science and police work are treated like magic tricks, as if magicians were all horrible people with perfect teeth. Are show creators running out of good ideas? Because it's not too long till we see this spot for this upcoming network season:

Hot Genius Jerks With Quirky Jobs Promo

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Announcer:

Coming this summer, your favorite characters are back ...

Int: Hospital, zoom in on House's cane, tapping impatiently.

Announcer:

He's the world's most brilliant diagnostician ...

House is in hospital, limping away from patient's room trailed by Hot Nurse.

Nurse:

How did you know that replacing her blood with Draino was the only way to save this child's life?

Announcer:

The only thing he can't fix ... is his horrible social skills.

House Guy:

Screw you.

He shoves her to the ground. She gets up. They start making out.

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Cut to: Crime Scene, "Law & Order-style." Detective Robert Goren is interrogating a witness next to a body under a sheet.

Announcer:

He's a cop with an uncanny knack for getting the bad guy ...

Goren:

I like your watch, Senator. I have a watch just like that. Funny thing about the Jewel Shanghai Mechanic SMIA ... that the model with the off-centered movement and triangular structure ... the model you're wearing ... only came out in limited editions in China between May 1979 and July 1980. Now, how would a man like you end up with a rare Shanghai watch like that when you spent the late '70s and early '80s campaigning in Iowa?

Senator:

(Sobbing) I stole it from the Chinese hooker after I killed her.

Announcer:

The only crime he's guilty of ... is being criminally insane.

As senator is being led away, Hot Partner comes up to Goren.

Hot Partner:

Great job. Want to grab a drink?

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Goren: (Distantly)

All that man wanted to do was be loved. Damn shame. (To partner) Cool if I take the body home and lie with it for awhile?

Cut to: Forensic crime lab

Announcer:

She's a brilliant forensic scientist ...

Bones:

We can tell he was killed by his father at 8:15 Sunday night, five years ago today.

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David Boreanaz:

How?

Bones:

By the way his skull is fractured inward and his left ear is pierced.

David Boreanaz:

But how ...?

Bones: (Impatient)

The left side is the gay side for male earrings, and his father was a general dishonorably discharged after beating up a homosexual man in service. After that incident he went to church every Sunday night until approximately 8 p.m., until 2006 when he mysteriously stopped attending. You do the math.

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Announcer:

The only bones she can't touch ... are the ones in dudes' pants.

Bones:

I'm an orphan with daddy issues. Want to make out?

Boreanaz:

Nope. Well ... maybe. No.

Cut to: Office building of "Lie to Me"

Announcer:

And he's a brilliant psychologist who can read your micro-expressions.

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Cal Lightman:

Oy, so you did embezzle all that money from the charity, Ms. Morrison?

Rich woman:

How did you know?

Cal:

Your eye twitched when I asked if you wanted some water.

Announcer:

The only emotions he can't read ... are his own.

Cal: (Stares into mirror)

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WHAT AM I FEELING?!!! ARGGGH!

Announcer:

But if you thought we were done milking this concept, you were wrong. Dead wrong. This summer, Walter Sherman is "The Finder," a side character on "Bones" whom we've given his own show.

Cut: I don't know, a squad car? Sure.

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Hot Partner:

So what's your deal?

Sherman:

I can locate stuff very quickly.

Hot Partner:

That's it?

Sherman:

Yeah, well, also, I am extremely paranoid. Because of the military.

Announcer:

The only thing he can't find ... is his ability to trust.

Hot Partner:

What happened to you?

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Sherman:

I'll never tell. The government is reading my brain thoughts. By the way, here are your keys. You left them on your kitchen table again.

Hot Partner:

I love you.

Announcer:

And if none of these characters do it for you, what about a genius associate professor who is the best paper-grader in the business. The only thing he can't teach himself ... is how to get tenured? Maybe? And we'll get one of the Culkin kids to do it, or maybe a Savage brother.

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Or what if there's like this really smart IT Guy who understands computers better than other people?

You know what? We'll work on that one and get back to you. Just remember, on this summer's hottest television: Caricatures welcome.

 

 

*Which we know was just canceled, but let's say for argument's sake it's on reruns.


Drew Grant

Drew Grant is a staff writer for Salon. Follow her on Twitter at @videodrew.

MORE FROM Drew Grant

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