Dear Cary,
I have accepted my sexuality as gay, from as far back in early childhood as I can remember.
My girlfriend and I have been close friends for almost two years; we worked together. We are both virgins. She went overseas for a two-year job, which she accepted and I encouraged. It's six months before she arrives back in New Zealand. I once terminated our relationship and was given another chance. At that time, I hesitated to leave her for men because she really, really likes me.
But I am gay and I need to send her the email below to tell her what I am feeling emotionally and at the moment:
Hi _____,
There's something keeping us both from progressing in the relationship. As perfect as you are to me, it's about something I've thought about since I was a wee tot.
I'm bisexual or gay, unsure.
I don't want to hurt you, but I owe it to you. You know I really DO care about you? But I can't change who I am. Sexuality isn't a choice I can make.
I think there are loads of possibilities that my outlook can change in the future. It's unsettling, horrible, which I need to go through on my own.
We're still the same and always will be.
What do you think of my letter? Should I send it?
B. Smile
Dear B. Smile,
Good for you. You are taking a courageous step. I applaud your honesty.
Before you send your letter, there is one thing I would change, and I'll tell you why.
Sometimes when we want people to be happy we tell them the things we wish to be true. You may wish that you and she would stay the same. You may wish this with all your heart. But the truth is that your relationship is changing.
You can be friends, but you are ending the romantic part of the relationship.
Here is how I suggest you change the letter:
Hi _____,
There's something keeping us both from progressing in the relationship. It's something I've thought about since I was a wee tot.
I'm bisexual or gay, unsure.
As perfect as you are to me, I don't want to hurt you. But I owe it to you to tell you.
You know I really DO care about you? But I can't change who I am. Sexuality isn't a choice I can make.
This is hard for me, but it is something I need to go through on my own.
I'm sorry I was not honest with you from the start. At times I wasn't completely sure myself. But I want you to know the truth. We cannot be a romantic couple because I am gay.
That doesn't mean we can't be friends. I will always be your friend. All I ask is that you accept me as I am.
As you see, I've added something as well. I felt it was important for you to acknowledge not being completely honest with her in the past. That may have hurt her. I hope you don't mind. If there is anything you want to change, please do so. These are just suggestions. It's your letter.
Good luck, and congratulations on taking a courageous and important step. I hope that you and she will remain lifelong friends.
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