My boyfriend has a secret son

I asked him point blank if he had any kids. He lied to my face. Now he wants to get engaged

Published September 17, 2013 11:00PM (EDT)

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       (Zach Trenholm/Salon)
(Zach Trenholm/Salon)

Hello there,

I read your blog and I thought I could seek advice from you. I have been dating my boyfriend for 11 months now, everything was so sweet until today!

He has been fooling me. He has a son that I found out about today. What hurts the most is that he lied to me. We have had like three occasions where we talk heart-to-heart about our lives and no telling lies. I was open to him but he never mentioned he had a son! I even asked directly ... do u hav a kid out there?

He said, "No, but whether one has a kid or not out there shouldn't change what we feel for each other."

I chose to believe him. For the past few days, I have been feeling like going through his phone, so I did it today and got a message from the ex-girlfriend that his son misses him. That was last year but the fact remains he has a son and he never told me.

The only thing he told me is that he had a girlfriend who hurt him so much when she started going out with her boss and so they broke up, but he never mentioned that he had a son with her. He is telling me they broke up two years and four months ago and I am all his happiness.

He says he was planning to tell me at the right time but it's too late now. We had so much plans about the future but I guess they are all lies!

He says he loves me and the love we share will help me overcome this but I don't believe I am that strong. He wants us engaged but now I have to rethink.

I don't know what to do, I am confused!


Dear Confused,

Your boyfriend can't tell the truth. Therefore, he can't have a stable relationship. Therefore, you should not get engaged to him. It's too bad. He might change. But right now he's not ready. It's not like he's a really terrible person, or that he sets out to harm people, but he does end up hurting people because he just hasn't gotten to the point where he understands how important it is to tell the truth right away. Waiting for the right time doesn't work. The right time was when you were sharing honestly the truth about your lives.

When young men do not have strong, older figures whom they trust and who have the power to shape their lives, they learn from each other. But that doesn't work because his friends don't know any more than he does. If lying works for them, they'll teach him to lie. He's going to have to learn to tell the truth.

Eventually he will find that lying doesn't work. At that point, he will either be in trouble or will have just found that he's unhappy. Then he may be able to put a life together that works. But right now, at this point, he's not able to have a relationship with you because he can't tell the truth.

He may turn into a fine, honest, disciplined man. But he is not there yet. So do not put your life in jeopardy. Do not create problems for yourself, no matter how attractive he is. He doesn't know how to tell the truth, so it's not going to work.

Tell him this. Tell him you can't have a relationship with a man who can't tell the truth. Don't let him sweet-talk you. Just walk away.

By Cary Tennis

MORE FROM Cary Tennis

Related Topics ------------------------------------------

Fathers Lying Marriage Parenting Relationships Since You Asked