"She had a certain expectation": Martin Short mocks report that Melania won’t return to White House

Comedian also took aim at the "choice Trump has in his tiny little hands" while guest hosting "Jimmy Kimmel Live"

By Gabriella Ferrigine

Staff Writer

Published June 26, 2024 12:32PM (EDT)

Martin Short speaks on stage during his inauguration as mayor of Funner, California at Harrah's Resort Southern California on May 13, 2024 in Valley Center, California. (Daniel Knighton/Getty Images)
Martin Short speaks on stage during his inauguration as mayor of Funner, California at Harrah's Resort Southern California on May 13, 2024 in Valley Center, California. (Daniel Knighton/Getty Images)

Comedian Martin Short on Tuesday roasted former President Donald Trump while guest hosting "Jimmy Kimmel Live!"

"What would Jimmy usually do right now?" Short, who was filling in for Kimmel while he is on summer break, asked sidekick Guillermo Rodriguez as he kicked off his monologue.

"He would be talking about Donald Trump," Rodriguez replied. 

“Well, I guess you can’t go to Outback Steakhouse without ordering the Bloomin’ Onion,” Short said. 

From there, the "Only Murders in the Building" star broached the question of who will serve as the ex-president's running mate, noting how Trump has reportedly narrowed his selection to a trio of Republicasns.

"It was four, but O.J. died, so…," Martin quipped, referencing the recent passing of the football legend who was acquitted of murdering his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman in 1994. 

Martin then honed in on Trump's potential vice president picks. 

“What a choice Trump has in his tiny little hands,” he said. The first option, North Dakota Gov. Doug Burgum, “sounds like the name of your most annoying co-worker." The second choice, Sen. Marco Rubio, R-Fla., once referred to Trump as a con artist, Short said. “Or should we go to doormat number three?" he continued. "Ohio Senator JD Vance," a Republican who said Trump was either cynical "like Nixon or America’s Hitler."

“When have you ever said something like that about somebody and then changed your mind?” Short asked the crowd.

Short then mocked Trump's baseless argument that Biden will use drugs to ensure he makes it through the upcoming presidential debate, showing a clip from the former president's rally in Pennsylvania last weekend. 

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"So a little before debate time, he gets a shot in the a—,"  Trump said. "I say he’ll come out all jacked up," he added, before separately alleging that a bag of cocaine found at the White House last year was Biden's. 

“He’s something, that Trump. He says he wants them both to submit to a drug test before the debate,” Short said, quipping at both presidential candidates' ages. “Do you have any idea how long it takes to get a urine sample from men who are close to 80? I’m 74, and the only time I don’t have to pee is when I’m peeing.”

Keeping in theme with his "contractually obligated 'Jimmy Kimmel Live!' Trump jokes," Short also went on a tangent about former first lady Melania Trump, addressing reports that she will not live with her husband in the White House should he be reelected.

"Apparently, Melania hated her time in Washington, but she still might come to D.C. for state dinners and official events," Short said. "Yes, that's when she really comes alive," he added, before displaying a photo of Melania looking emotionless while seated next to the ex-president. 

"I actually have a little empathy for Melania," Short continued. "I mean, [when] she entered into this marriage, she had a certain expectation, and that expectation was that the average life expectancy for an American male is 76.3 years old."

By Gabriella Ferrigine

Gabriella Ferrigine is a staff writer at Salon. Originally from the Jersey Shore, she moved to New York City in 2016 to attend Columbia University, where she received her B.A. in English and M.A. in American Studies. Formerly a staff writer at NowThis News, she has an M.A. in Magazine Journalism from NYU and was previously a news fellow at Salon.

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Aggregate Donald Trump Jimmy Kimmel Jimmy Kimmel Live Joe Biden Martin Short Melania Trump