While some find annual celebrations wonderful, studies show that for many Americans, they can be stressful, isolating and depressing – especially in these divisive times. Here, mental health experts share ways to ensure an easier and calmer season.
Beware Best Laid Plans
Double-check where you’ll be going, when, and with whom beforehand. When I asked what time the neighbors we invited over for Thanksgiving wanted to come, they just informed me that their 4-year-old is too rambunctious to sit still for dinner. I’m glad I learned this now, and not after I’d prepared three more meals for guests who wouldn’t show. And when I emailed to ask what time our out-of-town friends would be stopping by for dessert, they let me know they’ll be with two others I hadn’t expected. Even after confirmation, nothing is set in stone. “Combining travel on the busiest days of the year with big group events can make you frazzled or anxious,” said Manhattan psychotherapist Justena Kavanagh. “Try to have flexibility in case of scheduling conflicts, travel delays, traffic, illness, cancellations, schedule changes and other unexpected obstacles.”
Consider a DIY Celebration
For those without loved ones around, treat yourself by getting your favorite dinner and binge-watching a show like “Nobody Wants This.” If you hate the thought of being alone, it’s not too late to invite a few people over for a casual potluck or after-party. I once threw an impromptu bash on the 4th night of Chanukah, sharing latkes and dreidels with out-of-town students and other “holiday orphans.” You can still volunteer at a local soup kitchen, nursing home, or hospital. Either way, “Do a random daily act of kindness during the season,” recommends Diane Kirchner, a Boca Raton, Florida psychologist. “Research shows that unselfish acts of generosity are good for your mood, mental and physical health.
Shorten the Time Span
My husband used to insist we go to his sister’s home on Turkey Day from noon to midnight. But 12 hours of dogs, kids, relatives and food was too much for me. One year, I warned him, “I’m going separately this year.” He took the train at 11 a.m. as usual. Since his sister’s dinner was at 6:30 p.m., I hired a car service, showing up at 6 (and then went home at 8:30 p.m.) I came with gifts and good cheer, a work excuse (“on a tight deadline, but of course I had to see you”) and had a great night. Nobody seemed to care. The beauty of Uber, Lyft and Curb is that you can often spontaneously get a ride home sooner than expected. “Knowing you have an out if you need one, and maintaining your boundaries, helps you be more emotionally available for the time you do spend with your loved ones,” said Dr. Carlos Saavedra, a psychiatrist in New York. “And it protects your peace of mind.”
Divide and Conquer
While “I’d like us all to have our annual special dinner together” is a fair request, teenagers, siblings, adult children, out of towners and extended relatives shouldn’t be shoved into servitude if they’re just not into it. “I’m sorry, but I’m not feeling up to it,” is a fair excuse, even last-minute, especially when you’re protecting your mental health from toxic relatives, exes or others you can’t handle seeing. “Remember, you can have agency in how the holidays go,” said Kristen Underhill, a Chicago psychiatrist. “You don’t have to remain stuck in old group patterns that no longer work for you.”
Get a Room
“Try to set yourself up to be more comfortable over the holidays,” advises Kirchner. Although my parents loved seeing everyone, it was more fun for them to have just their 5 grandkids stay over at their place in Florida. So they sent the adult couples to an Airbnb. If you can swing it, check out local hotels for separate lodgings, which may be preferable to your overcrowded childhood home or sleeping on a couch in someone’s living room. If you’re uncomfortable and feel better at home, leave earlier than you originally scheduled. I once bolted from a family gala, getting a taxi to the station to make the late train back from Boston, arriving at 3 a.m. just so I could sleep in my own bed.
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Limit Alcohol and Cannabis Consumption
Contrary to popular belief, if you’re lonely or anxious, booze and pot won’t help; they will make things worse. And while you can’t control your guests’ habits, hosts can make the rules. You don’t have to include beer, hard liquor or gummies, and can ask guests to bring creative non-alcoholic beverages. “Addictions get exacerbated by holidays,” said Westport, CT psychiatrist Vatsal Thakkar. “There’s a significant increase in drunk driving accidents, and you might suffer consequences you’re not aware of.” He pointed to recent research showing that no amount of alcohol is good for you. “You can pre-empt accumulative toxicity problems by decreasing the use of mind-altering substances in your home,” he added. Though warn relatives in advance so they can back out of your dry dinner, or bar hop, or plan an after-party on their own later.
Make a Politics-Free Zone
Whether it’s the Thanksgiving meal, football match, Hanukkah dinner, Christmas day or New Years brunch, if it’s your place or your treat, you can let everyone know that you’d prefer no political arguments. Of course, like-minded groups can shout it out later out of your earshot. “Politely add other provocative topics you’d prefer to avoid – like your weight, diet, parenting, infertility or finances,” Kavanagh said, suggesting everyone bring a game, funny holiday story or your favorite song to share instead.
Lower Expectations
“Something’s bound to disappoint you,” warns Dr. Fred Woolverton, my former psychologist in Arkansas. “Don’t be shocked or mentally unprepared. That way, if all goes well, you’ll be pleasantly surprised.” Consider backups: Research ride services, anticipating transportation snags. If you’re vegan, bring a veggie platter just in case. If the meal’s late, keep trail mix in your purse for a quick snack. “Anticipate a relative’s negative comments by practicing the responses, ‘That’s the way you see it,’ and ‘I understand you feel that way,’ refusing to fight,” suggested Kirchner. “Tell yourself, ‘I’m enjoying tonight regardless,’ repeating positive affirmations to yourself, which can lower stress and cortisol levels.”
Exercise Before or After the Meal
Whether it’s a group stroll, touch football game on the lawn, quick bike ride, run, or impromptu dancing to “Shake It Off,” moving your body aids digestion, regulates blood sugar, eases tension and promotes relaxation. “Maintain your normal workout if you can,” Kavanagh recommends. “Keep your regular schedule as much as possible, get good sleep and leave while everything’s going well instead of thinking it’s going great and staying until it starts to devolve.”
Schedule Decompression
After a big domestic gathering, I prefer a few hours by myself to wind down. I’ll mindlessly watch HGTV or Judge Judy, sip chamomile tea, write in my journal, or gossip over the phone to my college bestie while walking around the block to get some air. A relative who hosts huge dinners for her extended family splurges the next day: hiring a housekeeper to come and going out to get a mani-pedi, 10-minute back and neck massage. “We often forget that life used to be slower, without all the hyperstimulation,” said Thakkar. “So carving out alone time during the holidays is important, giving you space to relax and recharge before the next celebration.”
