For the last 18 months, I've sat by my internet computer (which sits by my hearth fire), watching the ludicrous campaign carnival play on, like the all-seeing, all-knowing omniscient deity of prose that I am and always will be forever. Yet I've refrained from offering my opinion on the foofaraw, largely because I've been subsumed by rewrites for the second volume in my “Sweet Valley Ghost Sisters” series, “Secret Boo-friend,” but also because I've been biding my time to see if I'm needed. And now, it's become obvious that I am needed desperately, almost sexually.
Our media has shown its usual timid quietude during this election season, rarely offering opinions, seemingly willing to go quietly into the good night of history, like a guest at its own death party. Well, I can wait no longer sit by and diddle while my fellow media figures prevaricate and whinge. That's why I'm officially endorsing Hillary Clinton for president of the United States.
It takes tremendous moral courage for me to offer this endorsement, which, as The Greatest Living American Writer, I do not grant lightly. When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for authors of merit to enter the political fray, the writers in my family have done their patriotic work. My great-great grandfather, Gore Vanderbilt Pollack, endorsed Abraham Lincoln in 1860, which put Honest Abe over the top and saved the Union from full dissolution.
My granduncle Preston Buckley Pollack III endorsed his Rough-Riding pal Teddy Roosevelt in The Atlantic, thus ensuring the establishment of our National Parks system. My own endorsements have been limited to FDR in 1932, Dwight Eisenhower in 1952, JFK in 1960, Ronald Reagan in 1980 and Barack Obama in 2008. When it comes to politics and lacrosse, the Pollack always plays on the winning team. So you can be assured that this latest endorsement will boost Hillary Rodham Clinton over the top of the electoral pile.
Of all the presidential candidates in the history of the United States of America, Hillary Clinton is uniquely qualified to be one of them. She has not only been a senator, she's also been secretary of state, secretary of the Treasury, and secretary of education, as well as a five-star Navy admiral, a Nuremberg prosecutor, a founding executive at Facebook, an Oscar winner and an Olympic gold-medal champion in three sports.
In contrast, her opponent, Donald Trump, is a foul-mouthed serial abuser of women who bankrupts casinos and stiffs contractors and has aligned himself with a rogues gallery of villains that includes Vladimir Putin, Julian Assange, David Duke, Roger Ailes, Rudolph Giuliani, Steve Bannon, Gorilla Grodd, Lex Luthor, Black Manta and The Cheetah. Trump has run a foul, divisive, stupid and dangerous campaign, the worst campaign in the history of campaigns, even worse than Domino's "Avoid the Noid" campaign.
As I’ve detailed in these pages and many other pages, I’m uniquely qualified to gauge the character of presidential candidates, as well as to provide a thoughtful overview about the state of American affairs. So let me continue this endorsement by going on pretentiously about "constitutional Republicanism" and the rule of law for a few words because I graduated extra cum laude from Harvard Law School and would like to remind everyone of that fact.
We are in the midst of a people’s revolt, staged by revolting people, and also a great debate concerning income inequality, the “hollowing” of the middle, and the deep-frying of the crispy delicious exterior. Just because the voters of the Republican Party have chosen a moronic rapist reality TV star as their candidate, we cannot dismiss their concerns, can we? Actually, we can. Screw them. They are dumb and will all soon be dead.
In contrast, Hillary Clinton is a star who has risen in the East, a lady-star lodestar whose triumph will light the way to the next American century, which will be a lot like the last American century, except with pantsuits, cars that drive themselves, food that eats itself, and four months of paid parental leave whether or not you have children.
Madame Clinton will inspire us to be our best while also skimming just a little bit off the top, as is her right as president. Despite her reputation as being someone who has met wealthy people before, Clinton will be a president for all the people, by the people for the people harrumph harrumph harrumph the Volstead Act and climate change.
In my groundbreaking essay, “Notes From the Desk of a Noted Deskman,” I noted, deskly, "Throughout history, victory has always gone to the charmless, brilliant grinders. A vision is not necessary to be a visionary." Hillary Clinton is neither saint nor prophet nor rock star nor professional golfer. She is, as they say in baseball, a "real gamer," a serious, experienced person, which is how I like my persons. She, with the help of three powerful robots with different skills and abilities, will crush her opposition in future political battles, just as she's crushed Donald Trump.
Hillary Clinton will fulfill her mighty potential and will bend and tame the wild Constitution to her will, like she did to the pony in “National Velvet.” She will change America so much you won't even begin to believe it’s really happening. The prospect thrills me, as it should thrill you.
Let my endorsement of Hillary Clinton serve as my special gift to the country. Hillary Clinton's America, spurred by my words, will be a land of purpose, justice and intelligence, populated solely by well-educated people of sound judgment. I expect nothing in return, though an invitation to Renaissance Weekend would be nice. I’ve always loved confident, smart, powerful women. Now, thanks to Hillary Clinton, we’ll all know the joy of being dominated by one.
America, you’re welcome.