It has become an annual tradition: Sen. Rand Paul, R-Ky., will spend a healthy chunk of each Dec. 23 airing his grievances on Twitter.
No, he isn’t being a Grinch when he does this. Quite to the contrary, he is celebrating Festivus, a parody holiday popularized in the 1997 “Seinfeld” episode “The Strike.” One of the traditions of this pseudo-holiday — which has become all too real — is that individuals will publicly air their grievances, a ritual that Paul has taken to Twitter with a regularity that would put Frank Costanza to shame.
Below are the grievances that Paul saw fit to share with the Twitter-verse for Festivus 2018.
In case you were wondering, the government shutdown isn’t shutting down my #AiringofGrievances tomorrow for #Festivus. I’ve got even more problems with you people than usual, and you’re gonna hear about it! pic.twitter.com/rIWZsHzxYO
— Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 22, 2018
GOOD MORNING! Welcome to everyone’s favorite holiday, #Festivus! pic.twitter.com/bZEUyPID1b
— Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018
I’ve got a lot of problems with you people, and now you’re gonna hear about them! pic.twitter.com/sahSMrsdml
— Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018
I’m going to start out with a grievance against the entire foreign policy establishment of Washington DC, who 2 years ago were swearing that Donald Trump was going to start multiple nuclear wars or something.
— Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018
Now they are mad because he is STOPPING two wars. How about you just admit you hate the President, love war and have been wrong for the last 20 years on every part of foreign policy?
Consider that my Christmas present. You don’t have to get me anything else.
— Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018
I’ll be back later this afternoon for some serious, and not so serious grievances, along with lots of my Festivus Waste Report. So come on back later!
— Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018
Oh, by the way, before I go – Die Hard is a Christmas movie, don’t @ me pic.twitter.com/UukKhRCzCB
— Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018
So we are back with more #Festivus goodness. pic.twitter.com/k8tPeEU4g0
— Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018
One of the things I hate most about Washington is that they have literally NO IDEA how to spend your money. That’s why I do waste reports, and do a FESTIVUS WASTE REPORT with some of the worst offenders of the year. Here are some of the worst in waste.
— Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018
Everyone's favorite frisky quail are back with an update on how much money they blew: https://t.co/vbTkpbKVOc pic.twitter.com/KjPL4fKzvt
— Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018
The USAID spending $18 mil to promote tourism….in Egypt: https://t.co/vbTkpbKVOc pic.twitter.com/SBbcUU2uDi
— Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018
$2 mil on daydreaming: https://t.co/vbTkpbKVOc pic.twitter.com/IWWDtK3kyg
— Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018
$75k to throw lizards around with a leaf blower: https://t.co/vbTkpbKVOc pic.twitter.com/nA7ZA9JdCA
— Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018
So of course, instead of fixing waste like this and reforming government, the geniuses in Congress decided to have a fight over how much MORE money they were going to “spend” aka borrow from China.
— Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018
Speaking of which, buried in the foreign aid reports last year, I discovered something — we give foreign aid to China. So government is so dumb, it is literally borrowing money from China, to give it back to China, while paying interest on it.
— Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018
This is actually my grievance with liberals. They want the government to do more and more, take over more healthcare, more education — I mean you seen what it ALREADY is doing?
— Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018
Speaking of criminal justice reform, I have to give Jared Kushner credit. He was great on this. And I’m glad I got to know him, because before that I was a bit suspicious he was the kid from the Omen movie all grown up.
— Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018
And folks, that is NOT who you want in charge of your Middle East peace plans.
— Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018
I did something to help the President out though. I found him a wall I think will work on the border. pic.twitter.com/gx7ejwn1RU
— Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018
It will be quite lovely really. And It was on sale for $99, so we can open the government back up now.
— Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018
So moving down the road to Congress. Oh, Congress. Every year it seems things get more absurd. They were so bad this week they made my friend Mike Lee say “doggone”. It was nuts.
— Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018
Congress has now decided to shut down the government because they aren’t spending enough money. I got suspicious when Ted Cruz came back from Thanksgiving break with that beard. pic.twitter.com/y0r3dpFbbG
— Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018
Ted really should have grown that beard before he ran for President. He looks less Canadian now.
— Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018
My friend Lindsay Graham is a bit mad right now. You see, he’s never seen a war end before. He’s going to have to console himself with the fact that we still are in about 8 more. I know it will be hard for him, but I think he’ll get by.
— Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018
I have to tell you; I haven’t seen a Senator who loves war this much since the Star Wars Prequels. pic.twitter.com/UFU242XYQK
— Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018
Lindsay and I were on the same side on foreign policy for about 5 minutes a few weeks ago, regarding the Saudis. He said it was a sign of “end times”. I guess we are all gonna live a bit longer after all.
— Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018
Grievance against the foreign policy establishment of both parties in DC:
— Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018
Many of these people hold these two views: 1 – that it was horrible to leave the war in Syria and 2 – that it is horrible that General Mattis left, since he was what kept the President from starting WWIII or something. I don’t understand how you hold both of those views.
— Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018
I’m going to go a bit easier on the grievances against the neocons and warmongers this year though. The Weekly Standard has folded, wars are ending — I really think their holiday is already bad enough, I don’t want to pile on.
— Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018
Well, actually…let’s talk about John Bolton. I don’t have a grievance. I just really would have liked to have been in the room when the POTUS told him to END a war. How many times do you think he made the President repeat it because he didn’t even know what the words meant?
— Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018
I opposed John Bolton being hired. But I really can’t think of anything that makes me happier then thinking of him having to end wars for the rest of his time in the White House.
— Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018
There are a couple of things noteworthy about these tweets. The first is that, in a departure from the spirit of merely airing grievances, Paul also began comically riffing on his colleagues in general. It was especially notable that he took shots at National Security Advisor John Bolton and Sens. Lindsey Graham of South Carolina, Mike Lee of Utah and Ted Cruz of Texas, since all of them are members of his own party. While the jokes about Lee and Cruz seemed to be affectionate, he was undeniably cutting in his accusations against Bolton and Graham, whom he characterized as warmongers.
And, of course, Paul went after liberals who he perceives as supporting big government and wasteful spending. For a Rand Paul Festivus rant, it was standard, ho-hum stuff.
Then he decided to tell a more touching story, one that he characterized as nothing short of a “Festivus miracle.” The co-star of that tale was Sen. Cory Booker, D-N.J.
I’m going to close today by talking about something good that has happened. In fact, some could even say it has its beginnings right here on #Festivus twitter a few years ago. I poked a little fun at my friend Corey Booker.
— Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018
But then we exchanged some thoughts about bipartisan reforms we could work on, like hemp legalization and criminal justice reforms. Well, it’s a Festivus miracle because Congress passed and the President signed BOTH of those things this week.
— Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018
All kidding aside, they were important, bipartisan reforms that show how Washington CAN work if people from both sides of the aisle get together on things that make sense. I’m proud to have been a part of both.
— Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018
This trilogy of tweets refers to a criminal justice reform bill that passed the Senate last week with overwhelming bipartisan support, a rarity in a government so torn by partisanship that it has shut down several times this decade. Among other things, the new law will retroactively reduce the disparity in drug sentences between crack and cocaine offenses, provide prisoners with incentives that will help lower recidivism and reduce the “three strikes” penalty for drug felonies to 25 years. It was a bill that Paul and Booker worked hard on passing — and their relationship began on a different Festivus five years ago.
One more Festivus grievance about bipartisanship. @CoryBooker doesn't RT me enough.
— Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2013
U, me & "feats of strength:" Senate floor, name the time MT @SenRandPaul A Festivus grievance re bipartisanship. Booker doesn't RT me enough
— Cory Booker (@CoryBooker) December 23, 2013
@CoryBooker how about mandatory minimum sentencing reform instead?
— Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2013
Yes, If u throw in reforming Fed Hemp & Marijuana laws u've got a deal! RT @SenRandPaul: How about mandatory min sentencing reform instead?
— Cory Booker (@CoryBooker) December 23, 2013
@CoryBooker I am the Senate author of Hemp bill!
— Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2013
I know. U told me last week. Here is to a 2014 where we take on the failed war on drugs RT @SenRandPaul: I'm the Senate author of Hemp bill!
— Cory Booker (@CoryBooker) December 23, 2013
It may seem silly for a holiday made famous by a sitcom to yield constructive policy results, but such is the miracle of Festivus — and, for that matter, comedy.
Paul ended his 2018 Festivus rant by taking a swipe at President Donald Trump and his pro-Merry Christmas agenda.
So everyone enjoy your feats of strength today. Air your grievances here or in your home. But remember, thanks to Donald Trump we are ALL saying Merry Christmas this year — so repeat after me: MERRY CHRISTMAS and HAPPY HOLIDAYS to everyone even the haters and losers.
— Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018
