Stuffing feelings: Experts offer their advice for avoiding the toxic positivity of Thanksgiving

I will never for the life of me accept the appeal of holidays that revolve around inciting specific emotions. I'm a loving person who cringes at everything associated with February 14, a fan of democracy who wants to hide every time July 4 rolls around and a very grateful individual who actively dislikes Thanksgiving. There's something about the implied enforcement of appreciation always trips me up, a sense that the gathering around a turkey and the counting of blessings is a requirement, that chafes like a command to "Smile, baby" from a passing stranger on the street.

This November, I have so much more to be thankful for than I have in a very long time, and I'm also dodging the holiday more resolutely than ever. And if the sometimes toxic positivity of Thanksgiving isn't your thing either — or you're wondering how to manage your guests who are struggling — there are some simple strategies you can employ to make the season more in line with everyone's true feelings, and even come away with a strengthened sense of togetherness.

First, remember that even for the most cranberry sauce-adoring, parade and football-loving, home-is-where-the-heart-is types among us, the holidays can be a bit of a charade. A 2019 Instacart survey of more than 2,000 U.S. adults found that 21% of those who'd hosted the holiday only "pretended to enjoy it," and 68% said they "secretly dislike a classic Thanksgiving food but eat it anyway." A similar 2019 OnePoll and Sabra survey of respondents aged 18 - 39 found that 62% said they "don’t enjoy hosting or even attending a traditional Thanksgiving."

So if you're feeling like you have to reach deep to go to your sister's house and put on a happy face, you are far from alone.

Start by being honest about how you're feeling. "This time is of year is fraught with a lot of complex emotions," says Chris Reina, founder and executive director of the Institute for Transformative Leadership at Virginia Commonwealth University. He recommends setting yourself up for a better experience by being honest about where you are emotionally and what you need.

"The season brings up a lot of interesting family dynamics, conversations that have to be carefully navigated, and perhaps most of all, expectations," Reina says. "If we communicate upfront and in advance in a compassionate and caring way to others about how we are feeling, what we have gone through and what our expectations are about the holiday, then we have a much better chance of more skillfully navigating the challenges that come about — and not having to pretend we’re experiencing any emotions that we aren’t (which is exhausting and taxing)."

He adds, "In many cases, a discussion of expectations helps get others as much on the same page as possible. We may never get there fully, but advance notice can help. In doing so, we take a much more proactive role in helping create the experience that we want or need, rather than letting the experience unfold as it may, and reactively responding to it."

Clinical psychologist Noah Lau Branson of Mixed Roots Therapy reminds that recognizing our more difficult experiences and emotions can actually help enhance feelings of gratitude that may accompany them. "We often do not want to sit in ambivalent emotions. We want to make things feel better by fixing the problems, focusing on the positive — or just ignoring things altogether," he says. "The only way to get to honest and true gratitude is to accept everything that is."

Branson recommends tweaking the traditional Turkey Day script a little for a richer, more thought-provoking dinner conversation. "Instead of asking for what people are grateful for," he says, we can ask something like, 'What was something beautiful you saw/experienced this year?' Or we can ask, 'What was a meaningful moment or human connection you had this year?' Expand the prompts that we ask, to capture a wider range of human experience."

Aura De Los Santos, a clinical and educational psychologist and specialist at Ehproject.org, offers a similar perspective, reminding that there is value in acknowledging the tougher times and our darker moods.

"Thanksgiving is indeed a night of thanks, but those who feel they are not having a good time can add their own meaning to it," she says. "It is important for people to know that they do not have to feel forced to give thanks when they feel things have not gone well." De Los Santos advises against trying to cheerlead for guests who may not be all smiles. "During dinner, if we see a family member or friend who doesn't feel like talking or doesn't have anything to be thankful for," she says, "instead of forcing them to say something they don't want to, we can change the subject or offer support if they say they don't feel like talking."

And if we're the ones who don't feel like talking, we can be true to our own feelings while still showing up for our loved ones. Sarah Puskavich, a licensed clinical professional counselor in Maryland, notes that "There can be strong pressure to show up to the holidays smiling and in a great mood. If this behavior is not congruent with how you feel, then allow yourself permission to break away from those expectations. Being more reserved, not forcing smiles, or taking some space from the socializing at holiday events can be ways that you align your behavior more authentically to yourself."

But she also recommends deploying your curiosity to get outside your head. When someone is sharing good news or gratitude, "Ask questions about what is going on," she says. "Ask about their emotional experience related to the situation, and show interest through attentive listening. This technique takes pressure away to show happy emotions, but rather shows support through interest and involvement by listening to the details of the situation."

And she advises that if the holiday itself feels too difficult, consider offering a rain check. "The holidays can be tough and emotionally draining," says Puskavich. This can be especially true if you struggle with mood disorders. If you feel that given your current emotional state you can’t fully engage with others in a supportive way, plan on revisiting the topic when you can." She adds, "It makes sense you might want to celebrate someone else’s happy moments when you have more energy." 

This Thanksgiving, my family and I are going to a theme park in Orlando and eating dinner at an Italian restaurant. I'm immensely excited and happy that I'll be with the people I love the most in the world, in a setting that will be relaxed and playful. That's what authentic gratitude looks like to me. And in past years that have been harder, I've had a similar sense of thankful relief for everyone in my life who gave me the space to feel grief or anxiety or fatigue, with no external pressure to count blessings. 

"For those who are not having a good time and a date like Thanksgiving is coming up, we can tell them that it's okay not to be okay," says Aura De Los Santos. "There are good seasons and not-so-good seasons, and they don't decide when to come. Not everyone is in the same season of life — even if they are in the same holiday."