“Put a bird on it, right?” I remarked to the shop clerk with a knowing chuckle. She acted like she didn’t hear me. She likely stopped listening to those jokes months ago, after “Portlandia,” the IFC sketch comedy show starring Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein, reduced the twee design meme, its creators and consumers to a snarky catchphrase she probably hears more often in this shop than she would care to admit.

In the sketch, two improbably named artists, Bryce Shivers and Lisa Eversman, visit a stylish Portland boutique to slap generic bird silhouettes on teapots and vintage suitcases and call it art. Their refrain, “Put a bird on it!” pointed out just how painfully ubiquitous the bird motif had become. And while the sketch aired nine months ago, it’s still causing angst throughout Etsy, the indie-craft world and among artists, designers and shoppers who are used to setting trends — not being outwardly mocked themselves.

Brownstein first brought the idea for the sketch to Armisen when they were developing the “Portlandia” pilot. “I had started noticing that putting a bird atop an otherwise pedestrian or utilitarian object elevated it to art — or that putting a bird on a painting made it an instant signifier for coolness,” said Brownstein in an email interview. “The bird was basically becoming shorthand for art.”

“Portlandia’s” audience already consider themselves in on the joke. Their sketch about an adult hide-and-seek league is funny on its own merits, but it hits harder if you’ve actually had to pretend to give a shit about a kickball grudge match between 30-year-old graphic designers. The first time I saw “Put a Bird on It,” I made a mental inventory of my own birded totes and T-shirts and saw them as trite for the first time. Ashamed, I recognized myself. Then I immediately forwarded a link for the video to friends — the first rule of getting the joke is to make sure everyone knows you get it.

Comedians mock mainstream culture all the time, but we don’t expect their targets to dignify it with a response. When Patton Oswalt dubbed the KFC Famous Bowl (a layered monstrosity of mashed potatoes and various side dishes) “a failure pile in a sadness bowl,” stoners the world over didn’t stop ordering them in the drive-thru at midnight. Did middle-aged soccer moms pull off their sexless, butt-flattening pants after “Saturday Night Live” aired a fake commercial for “Mom Jeans”? A visit to my local library branch says no — people who got the “mom jeans” joke already wouldn’t be caught dead in elastic waists.

But “Portlandia” doesn’t poke fun at Middle America. It mocks, however gently and fondly, the indie outliers who probably consider themselves beyond such reproach. (A second seasons begins on IFC in January.) And thanks to the Internet and ease of video clip forwarding, “Put a Bird on It” might be the first comedy sketch to have had a noticeable impact on the buying habits of the people who were both the audience for and the butt of the gag. If I bought that bird magnet, it would be like admitting that I wasn’t in on the joke, that I didn’t get the reference. Laugh with or be laughed at.

It’s a consequence of the material that Brownstein and the “Portlandia” crew didn’t have in mind when they created the characters and their catchphrase.

“We’re not an ad agency, we’re a sketch show,” she said. “That being said, we are very flattered that people watch this show, and that the idea caught on. It’s definitely been a little surreal to realize that ‘Put a Bird on It’ has become part of a larger conversation about the intersection between commercialism and art, about craft and saleability.”

While Brownstein hasn’t noticed an overall decline in the array of available bird-themed merchandise since the show aired, she admits that her own bird buys have diminished as the amount of bird-related items she now receives as gag gifts increased exponentially.

“I have had designer and illustrator friends tell me that they’re more self-conscious about putting birds on things now,” she said. “We certainly didn’t mean to thwart anyone’s creativity, but if this ushers in an era of otters and deer I think we’ll all breathe a sigh of relief, and then decorate our homes accordingly.”

And yet if you search for “bird” in Etsy, you’ll still find nearly a quarter of a million handmade items. Among them is Pennsylvania-based artist Whitney J. Marsden’s delicate pendants featuring antique lithograph images of birds. Despite her chosen imagery, Marsden thinks “Put a Bird on It” is funny because it’s true.

“When so many visual icons get regurgitated throughout design industries — fashion, interior design, product design, graphic design, advertising, and, thanks in great part to DIY craft — satirical media such as ‘Portlandia’s’ ‘Put a Bird on It’ serves as a welcome jolt to the creativity and an opportunity not to take trends too seriously,” she said.

Though Marsden says she thinks it’s wise to be aware of how trends play out, she continues to revisit nature — including birds — for inspiration, because of her love for the natural world and its endless bounty of material to interpret.

“Designing with a natural theme is nothing new, but the final product will be most effective if I infuse my unique brand into the theme and take it beyond, ‘Oh, hey, it’s a bird,’ to beautifully rendered, relatable imagery and a high-quality, original product,” Marsden said. “Ultimately, I design and make what flows naturally from me. I put it out there, the public dictates whether it’s the right time for a particular product.”

“From what my customers and peers are saying, folks still love the birds,” she added.

Grace Bonney, editor of the influential Design*Sponge blog, has noticed that designers are still putting birds on things, though now some of those birds are in direct response to the show — they’re not just cute, they’re a postmodern, meta-response.

“I sort of thought everyone would feel really embarrassed, like ‘Oh, we really have to stop this as a trend,’” said Bonney. “There was a group who felt embarrassed, and then there was a group who felt [continuing to put a bird on it] was an opportunity to cash in on an easy trend. But my favorite part is there’s a fragment of the craft community that’s now taken it upon themselves to kind of mock what [the show] was already mocking, so now they’re making products that are mocking ‘put a bird on it,’ where they’re essentially still just putting a bird on something.”

Parodying the parody extends beyond indie designer in-jokes. Humor blogger and “Portlandia” fan Jenny “The Bloggess” Lawson created a tote bag sporting a silhouette of the extinct Dodo bird and “Put a bird on it!” in a cheerful font and posted it for sale in her Zazzle store. When Zazzle informed her that a complaint had been issued regarding the show’s intellectual property, she wrote, “I thought it was funny that a show based entirely on satirizing an entire city would have a problem with my bag satirizing their show.”

“No one ever buys my bags, anyway,” Lawson said. “That was the funniest thing about the whole situation. Legal departments, bloggers, production companies and television stars all getting involved in a strange debacle that netted about $11 in sales.  If they made it into a skit no one would believe it.”

She removed the first Dodo bag but created a new one, which stated flatly, “Do not put a bird on it (unless you first get legal permission from the company representing ‘Portlandia’).” That bag was also removed. Beyond amused, Lawson continued to post new parodies, including one with cattle called “Put a herd on it.” Finally, Armisen himself stepped in to negotiate a truce.

“I never expected that I’d hear anything about it, which is really what made it so funny when I did,” said Lawson. “I also never expected to actually hear from Fred and Carrie, which made it even more surreal. Fred continued to email me with updates while they tried to figure out the issue, and then he emailed me again to tell me that they’d explained to their production company that ‘Portlandia’ is a whole different animal and that small businesses and snarky parodies were the sort of things they supported.”

In my neighborhood coffee shop, the birds have won this round. Ceramic owls perch in every corner, watching me order an Americano with their wise, dead eyes. On the chalkboard, a defensive answer to what must be a frequently asked question — a customer bestowed upon the owners their first owl and declared it the store’s mascot. Someone put a bird on an entire shop, and, resigned, it has been displaying them since.

Still without a gift for my friend, I consider ordering a set of Marsden’s temporary tattoos, which include bird designs. If we put a bird on ourselves, is that enough of a recognition of the meme to indicate sophisticated subversion? Or are birds simply off-limits forever? Among the quarter-million bird items on Etsy are several shops selling pendants made from bird skulls, shifting the emphasis from generic, harmless silhouette to the very specific and delicate underpinnings of life and mortality, a trend that Bonney endorses.

“I’d love to see people move it toward taxidermy in general, to appreciate the whole animal rather than a clip-art version of it,” she said. “I think the reason why birds have achieved this universal appeal is what’s not to love about a bird? It’s a beautiful thing. It represents freedom and flying to almost everybody who looks at it. So why wouldn’t you want to push that in a new direction?”

Over at the Stackhouse, Sookie’s pouring coffee, having visions of poor dead Gran all bloody on the floor. Tara comes downstairs so she and Sookie can share a yogurt commercial’s worth of banal heart-to-heart, with Sookie wondering if all Grans go to heaven and Tara giving this “Touched by an Angel” conversation her best game face. Sookie thinks Gran’s spirit lingers, though she cops to maybe just feeling “some residual weirdness” in the air. Some Residual Weirdness should be the name of the Merlotte’s bar band. Sookie says she sees herself as an old woman, sitting on the porch surrounded by grandbabies. Don’t vampires shoot blanks? Tara nods like she’s possessed by a spirit who still cares about Sookie’s love life.

No autopsy or murder investigation held up Tommy’s burial. Shreveport’s police department must be as drug-addled and horny as the Bon Temps sheriffwick. If I ever have to kill a bitch, remind me to do it in Louisiana. While Sam says goodbye to Tommy’s grave, Hoyt’s momma waddles up in widow’s weeds to offer Sam the Bon Temps Motto of Slipshod Morality (“We all do the best we can with what we got”) and her famous pork rind casserole. “You can call me momma from now on,” she says, and Sam sighs the particularly Southern sigh of the reluctant surrogate son. Mrs. Fortenberry leaves as Luna walks up with Emma, who should have one hell of a show-and-tell session this week at school.

Over on the obvious imagery side of town, Jason psyches himself up for a heart-to-heart with Hoyt, who’s clearing tree-blocked road with a chainsaw. Awkward chat. “Did somebody die?” Hoyt asks. That is actually very relevant small talk in Bon Temps. Jason tells him that he had sex with Jessica. Hoyt: “How?” Jason, bless his idiot face, replies, “Missionary, then doggie, then her on top. It was nothing too kinky.” Hoyt punches him in the mouth for being stupid. “It just happened!” and Hoyt punches him again for resorting to cliché, then kicks him a couple of times and tells him he’ll never be able to find love because “there’s something inside you that’s just missing.” What, a brain? Hoyt, I have a mound of personal evidence in a file called “my 20s” that says stupidity and relationships are not mutually exclusive.

Back in Lafayette’s house, also located in Clumsy Metaphor Estates, Jesus is held captive, bleeding from the wound in his hand. Marnie wants Jesus’ hot demon-face magic and she will Annie Wilkes it out of him if it takes the entire episode. Jesus tries to reach Lafayette but Marnie is too strong. So he fights dirty: “You talked to the dead because they were your only friends.” Marnie and Jesus argue, then Lafayette and Marnie have one of those awkward fights with themselves. Lafayette is able to warn Jesus of Marnie’s homicidal desires, but Marnie threatens to cut out Lafayette’s eyeball with a huge knife and feed it to him.

Halloween. Sookie wanders into Merlotte’s where Arlene and Terry are dressed up as zombies. “Zombies are the new vampires!” says Arlene. “Your severed toe necklace is super-cute!” counters Sookie. I would pay cash money to watch trivia night at Merlotte’s. Sam just now realizes Tommy fired Sookie when he skinwalked. Since Lafayette hasn’t shown up (Is Merlotte’s hiring? Because what a sweet gig) Sam offers Sookie her job back. Sookie wants a new uniform, but Sam offers her a sexual harassment suit instead. Want your awesome waitress job back, Sookie? Put on the bunny ears and shut up.

Marnie/Lafayette is in full Wiccan lecture mode about the sanctity of Halloween and how little kids and candy have ruined her sacred holiday and made a mockery out of her religion and now the fangers have ruined everything too, life is so unfair. “Vampires suck!” Jesus agrees, but sadly Hoyt doesn’t jump out of a corner to punch him in the face for that pun. Marnie wants Jesus to give her his magic, but Jesus claims he doesn’t know how. “What’s inside of me is seriously dark,” Jesus says. Um. Marnie slices Lafayette’s chest open with a knife and threatens to kill her gracious host if Jesus doesn’t comply. Jesus starts a spell in Spanish and all the candles blow out. Marnie/Lafayette yells, “give it to me, give it all to me!” Um. Demon face! Marnie stabs Jesus in the gut and licks his blood off the knife. Jesus’ face turns back to normal and he sobs an apology to Lafayette/Demon Face Marnie as he dies in the chair.

It’s also Take Your Children to the Bar Day at Merlotte’s. Arlene’s son is dressed like a monster and her daughter is dressed like Pregnant Arlene, and Arlene threatens to send them to the trailer park to trick-or-treat for food stamps if they’re not good. Sam brings Emma over to introduce her to the other kids. Emma’s dressed like a bride, but when Arlene asks her what she is, Emma replies that she’s either going to be a shapeshifter like her mom or a werewolf like her daddy, who’s dead. Sam whistles a guilty tune. Arlene is seriously regretting not taking that correspondence course in medical/dental billing. Then a Tall Mysterious Stranger comes in to find Terry, who thought his old Marine buddy was dead. He introduces Arlene and old buddy references the two times Terry saved his life. I’m sure Terry’s past isn’t coming back to haunt him (!) at all.

Sookie serves Alcide a beer and he makes a pass at her. Do it, Sookie. He knows a trade! He could re-tile that disgusting kitchen floor for you. Alcide says he’s done with Debbie’s drama and wants Sookie to be done with hers, too. Werewolf boyfriend sounds so drama-free. Sookie whines that she can’t change who she loves, and Alcide admonishes her to “try harder.” Alcide’s phone rings and he’s off on a mysterious errand, leaving Sookie to ponder the lame joke of “Monster Mash” playing in the background.

Night falls and Tara shows up at Lafayette’s house only to see poor dead Jesus slumped over in the chair. Tara-scream!

Holly, resplendent in a Pride Parade float fairy costume emerges from the dark outside of Merlotte’s, startling Sookie. “Ain’t nothing scary about fairies,” says poor dim Holly, and she lights a joint with Sookie’s jack-o’-lantern lighter. Samhain Wiccan veil dead ouija boards crystals sophomore year. Tara runs up with the news — Marnie is back, she’s possessed Lafayette and made him kill Jesus, and how she knows all of this is never explained. They speed off in Tara’s car, where Holly pulls out the “Wiccan first aid kid” -she hauls around in her handbag — salt, sage, a lock of her Aunt Josie’s hair. As you will.

The girls arrive at the Compton Manse to find shirtless Eric and Bill silvered back-to-back to an old-school witch-burning stake. Bill wants Eric to summon Pam to help, but Eric suggests he summon Jessica first. They bicker until Bill spits, “I liked you better when you were brain damaged.” In unison: “SOOKEH!” Tara distracts Marnie/Lafayette while Holly starts dumping salt in a circle around them all. Marnie lights the fire under Bill and Eric with her hands, and Sookie, not to be out-done, fairybombs Marnie, who snaps back with Demon Face. The girls step inside the salt and hold hands while they chant a spell, and I guess witches are part slug because the salt repels Demon Face. The girls summon a whole army of ghosts from the adjacent graveyard. Foreshadowing worked, because Gran’s back! Along with a bunch of other dead people we don’t know! Antonia’s here, too, and she blows out the vampire fire while calming crazy Marnie. Gran, on the other hand, has no patience for talk therapy, so she reaches into Lafayette’s throat and pulls Marnie’s spirit out like a hair clog from a drain, and now we can see Marnie as she whines about how she doesn’t want to leave the party, please can’t we stay for just one more song? Antonia reassures her that although life is pain, death delivers a peace that the vampires will never know since they’re basically stuck in this shitty little town forever. Thank you, thesis fairy! Blessed be! Marnie: “This fucking sucks!” It’s like she’s in my living room right now. Antonia takes one for the team and walks her to the graveyard with all the other dead people they woke up for nothing. Marnie’s a drunk dialer, I can tell. Sookie doesn’t want Gran to leave because she has too many boyfriends. So much for peace. “We’re all alone at the end!” Gran cheerfully foreshadows. Lafayette revives in Tara’s arms while Eric reminds them that he and Bill are feeling a leetle crispy atop the pyre. Evil Eric is back, but he brought Bitchy Eric with him.

Back at Merlotte’s, Arlene martyrs the trash out to the dumpster and René shows up like the ghost of seasons past. Arlene starts singing the exorcism ditty while René warns her about the trouble Terry is about to bring into her life through the ghosts from his past. Terry comes outside and comforts here while Arlene ponders how thematically pat this entire season has been.

Cosplay time! Jessica turns up at Jason’s house dressed like sexy Little Red Riding Hood. Shouldn’t she be headed for Alcide’s? Blah blah Hoyt. Jason invites Jessica in and they get naked in a most satisfying way, finally. Jessica boner-kills “I don’t want to be your girlfriend!” right in the middle and starts talking about relationships and breakups and come on you are killing me here, sister! “I kinda wished you’d told me that before I took an ass-kicking” Jason admits, but Jess ruins the moment by wondering aloud when he got to be all concerned with doing the right thing. Hey, we’re all doing the best we can with what we got, Jess. Jason pulls away but Jess vamps him onto his back and asks if they can keep things purely sexual for now. Jason emits a conflicted moan, but he gets ‘er done anyway.

At Fangtasia, Pam’s pet Ginger tells her that Sookie called looking for Eric, who’s been missing. Pam: “I am so over Sookie, and her precious fairy vagina, and unbelievably stupid name! Fuck Sookie!” Pam is the conscience of this show. Pam has a breakdown, fearing she’s lost the Eric she’s loved for a hundred years.

 In the Compton Manse, the precious fairy vagina finally gets her three-way, sort of, letting Eric suck blood from one wrist while Bill sucks from the other. Eric and Bill look like idiots in matching pajamas. Sookie tells them she can’t do the love triangle routine any longer, and Bill martyrs his blessing for her to hook up with Eric. Hey thanks, dad. Eric practically fist-pumps: “Bill had his chance, he blew it!” as if Bill isn’t standing right there. Sookie forgives Bill, who totally thinks she’s coming back to him, but she dumps him and then dumps Eric, too. This is totally Kelly and Dylan and Brandon in season five of “90210″ all over again. She chooses herself, you guys! Or … Alcide?

In the guest bedroom at Sookie’s, Lafayette hears something howling around the house. Jesus’s spirit appears, and Lafayette apologizes for letting Marnie shank him. Jesus kisses him and forgives. “Dude, I’m dead. You’re a medium. I’ll always be with you,” he reassures Lafayette before strobing out of the picture.

 Holly returns to Merlotte’s to get her car and runs into Andy, who gives her flowers and admits that he’s a drug addict. That line usually work, Bellefleur? He follows up with how he’s sober and lonely and could be good to “someone” if they let him. Sign me up! She lets Andy hug her and he doesn’t even cop a feel. Sam makes out with Luna outside his shack in the back and tries to convince her to stay the night, but come on, Sam, she has a kid and no non-custodial parent to pass her off to, thanks a lot. She doesn’t want Sam to jinx their awesome relationship that is so far based on deceptive shape-shifter brother sex and the model home murder of her ex-husband. “So now you’re superstitious?” deadpans Sam. She leaves, and a wolf snarls behind him.

 Post-coital Jessica puts her stockings back on while Jason watches, the Miller Lite bottle cap pillow covering his crotch. Jason’s worried that Jess didn’t “like it” but Jess reassures him, suggesting next time they try oral, too. “Hoyt was kind of shy about it, I think because of my fangs,” she simpers. Jason’s worried that Jess is only with him because he’s broken. She catalogs his good parts for him. Basically, he’s funny and has great hip bones. She could do worse in that town. She’s hungry, but doesn’t want to drink his blood yet, which Jason clumsily compares to how hookers don’t kiss their tricks. Smooth, Stackhouse. Jess is turned on by the hooker line and gets a fangboner when they kiss, so she fastwalks out to go find some strange to drink. There’s a knock at the door, but it’s not Jess back for round two, it’s that nerdy Fellowship of the Sun Reverend Newlin from two seasons ago. Trick or treat, now he’s a vampire!

 Mysterious phone call revealed: Alcide walks through a parking garage with a guy in a hardhat who can’t remember anything. “Why would a vamper want to glamor me, or dig a hole in a damn parking garage?” the construction worker asks him, and they arrive at a heap of silver chains inside a rubble hole. Someone has let Russell Edgington out to play. Was it Pam? Has she gone rogue?

 Nan pays a visit to the Compton Manse with her gay storm troopers, blah blahs about her awful job and how lame Eric is now that he’s crawled up Bill’s ass. Then she admits that she’s been fired by the Authority and the American Vampire League, and that her last duty was to true-death Eric and Bill, but she knew she’d be next and having been alive for 816 years, she refuses “to be retired like a fat first wife!” I want Nan and Pam to take over for Kathie Lee and Hoda for a week. She wants Eric and Bill to join her little mutinee, citing factions within the regime who aren’t on board with current policy. Eric wants to know what’s in it for them. “How about your little fairy waitress? The mind reading, the microwave fingers? You think I didn’t know what she was?” Bill tells her to go ahead, since Sookie no longer belongs to either of them. Eric agrees, but Nan doesn’t buy it, taunting them: “hungry puppy dogs, slobbering over the same juicy bone.” So of course Eric decapitates the gay storm troopers and Bill stakes Nan to the true death. “We are not fucking puppy dogs!” Bill rages.

 Impressive death toll for one episode, but we’re not done yet. Sookie comes home and is ambushed by strung-out Debbie Pelt pointing a shotgun at her head. Tara throws herself in front of Sookie and gets her head blown off for her trouble. Sookie tackles Debbie and they struggle, then she turns the shotgun on Debbie, who pleads for her life. Sookie executes her right there on that filthy kitchen floor. She’s left holding what’s left of Tara’s skull in her lap screaming, “somebody please help us!” That’s what happens when you break up with your vampires on the night some junkie wolf decides to take you down, Sookie. You are so screwed — you might actually need to call the police.

Spirit Antonia has had enough of Marnie’s corporeal shenanigans and struggles to free herself. Lafayette breaks it down for the room: “Marnie just puked a bitch out!” Because Lafayette is a medium (Since when? demands Tara, who must not have cable) only he can see Antonia standing there in her nightgown, telling Marnie: “Evil has blossomed in you!” J’accuse! Antonia tries to break up with her, but Marnie enacts a spell to bind them together. I wish a certain medium would pass Antonia a hotline number so she could get some counseling on this abusive paranormal relationship. You know the Renard Parish chapter switchboard must be lit up like Christmas. Marnie swallows Antonia.

Jason runs up to the vampire hit squad and informs them that they can’t blow up the Emporium because Sookie’s inside. Say it with us, vampires: “Fucking Sookie!” Jason chastises Bill and Eric for their poor attitudes, pointing out how many times Sookie has helped them out. Bill aborts the mission and Eric agrees. Pam can’t believe they’re putting all vampires at risk for a piece of fairy-tail. Jason shows them the forcefield protecting the Emporium, and Bill and Eric share an incredulous look that reads, “How in the V is Jason Stackhouse the smartest one in this intersection?” Jason then gets Jessica alone and blah-blah-Hoyts her. Oh no, zombie vampire attack!

Sam and Alcide menace one of Marcus’ henchmen, who refuses to give up his pack leader’s whereabouts. Then Luna shows up looking for Marcus, who has snatched their daughter from school and disappeared. While Sam catches Luna up on the last episode, Alcide jaw-clenches to the hench-wolf that this isn’t about shifters and werewolves, it’s just about right and wrong, plain and simple. What’s wrong is how fully-clothed all of y’all have been so far in this episode, Alcide. Since when is there no time for love in Bon Temps?

And where is Marcus? In Alcide’s model home with Debbie, who, to her dubious credit, isn’t wearing any pants. Emma is there and she and Marcus have an awkward “Daddy’s evil, don’t trust him” conversation. Marcus tries all of his greasy powers of persuasion to convince Debbie to run away with him and his daughter, blaming Alcide for not giving Debbie “the one thing you really need.” She sets him straight on the doggy-style. “I’m not talking about ‘love,’ I’m talking about children!” says Father of the Year over there, because what every V-addicted werewolf needs is a pregnancy and a stolen shifter-kid. And besides, Marcus growls, Emma needs a wolf mom, not a shifter mom. Man, it sucks to be lower on the social rung than these dirtbags. Downstairs, an unsupervised Emma cuts to the chase and just picks up the phone to call her mom already. Alcide recognizes his phone number, and the shifter-wolf alliance is on its way.

Inside the Emporium, Jesus claims he can still feel a faint pulse on Casey, and he wants to try to save her. Marnie’s all whatever, so Jesus and Lafayette carry her into the bathroom so they can what, perform thoracic surgery with a pentagram brooch? But Casey is really dead for real, only Jesus wants to use his witch-powers and Casey’s blood to force Antonia out of Marnie’s body. Jesus goes shopping in the emporium for “cauterizing” supplies, which means a bunch of ugly candles and a scarf, while Marnie claims she shanked Casey out of self-defense. Holly and Sookie try to appeal to Marnie’s good side, begging her to end the stand-off. “You have all the power,” she lies.

Andy’s wandering the haunted woods, cursing Terry who left him to walk home from the Treehouse of Withdrawal. Andy argues with himself like he’s possessed by his own co-dependent ghost, but then bright lights start flashing and a fairy appears. She sniffs the air and warns Andy to stay back. “Ma’am, I’m a police officer!” The fairy has obviously heard about the BTSD because she fairyballs him to the ground.

Outside the Emporium, Bill pulls the gooey true-deathed heart from the bubbling remains of one zombie vamp and waves it in the face of the other. Eric points out that she’s under a spell and can’t reason, so she must die. First, Pam wants her jewelry. Marnie agrees that “it’s time for negotiation,” and Sookie is of course dumb enough to believe her “negotiate” line. Marnie and Sookie stand inside the forcefield as Marnie commands her zombie-vampire into attack mode. Bill’s too fast and strong, though, and he throws the zombie into the forcefield, where she vaporizes like a bug on an electric fence. Apparently the forcefield contains the power of the sun, and rather than repelling vampires as it does humans, it will char them like cheap microwave popcorn. Dang, Marnie. Bill and Eric demand Sookie’s release, and Marnie agrees, in exchange for their true-deaths. Bill accepts, and Eric, not to be one-upped, does as well. This is either the dumbest or the smartest route to that three-way, guys. Sookie pleads with Bill while Eric looks on, like What am I, a candy dish full of blood-goo here? Bill will shoot Eric, and then Pam is to shoot Bill. Eric gets down on his knees for his execution while Sookie cries, but Pam takes charge, fast-walking to the van and grabbing a flamethrower. Thankfully someone has some initiative here. Eric forbids her, but Pam fires into the forcefield anyway, and the explosion rocks the Emporium. Eric rages at Pam for disobeying him with the flame-thrower and almost killing Sookie, while Jess chides a shame-faced Bill for even considering suicide. It’s like a regular Wittgenstein family reunion out there. Jess finally notices Jason all burned and blind from the explosion and rushes over to give him more of her blood.

Marnie and Sookie come back inside, and that leg-humper Roy wants to high-five Marnie for her quasi-victory. His death is going to be exciting. In the magick loo, Jesus concocts a spell with some scented candles and a bowl of potpourri. I’d hate to see what this kid could whip up in a Bed Bath & Beyond. Jesus pulls the dagger out of Casey’s chest, and Lafayette gets all squeamish about the blood like he’s new to this show. Jesus paints himself with Casey’s blood and sucks it off his finger. Subtlety is not a virtue in Bon Temps.

Alcide, Sam and Luna storm into the model home, and Sam tells Luna to take Emma outside. Alcide busts in on Debbie and Marcus, and Sam follows in with the gun, which he sportingly offers to put aside and fight Marcus hand-to-hand, no shifting allowed. Debbie No-Pants tries to intervene and Alcide pushes her back onto the bed. Hotlines, people. Toll-free numbers. Take back the night.

Sam and Marcus throw each other around the room while Alcide holds Debbie back. Hey, those model homes aren’t that sturdy, watch the drywall. Marcus ends up on the floor with Sam’s knee on his throat, while Sam tells him he’s weak, pathetic, and has terrible hair, but he’s going to let Marcus live with that. Marcus gets wolf eyes and grabs Sam’s gun, but Alcide tackles Marcus mid-fire and wrestles him to the ground. Bullet holes in the model home wall! Now Alcide has wolf eyes, too, and he crushes Marcus’ windpipe. Alcide, I’m sure you could have just patched the wall. “We can fix this!” claims Debbie the eternal optimist, but Alcide enacts an ancient werewolf dumping ritual: “I will hunt with you no longer; I will share flesh with you no longer.” If I had a dime for every time… He and Sam leave dead Marcus on the floor while Debbie ugly-cries in her underwear.

In the haunted wood, the fairy wakes Andy by sitting on his chest and rubbing all over him like Debbie Pelt in heat. Her name is Mirella and she lies to Andy about how hot he is. I cannot believe the closest thing we’ll get to a sex scene in this episode is a fairy in a prom dress making out with Andy Bellefleur. Mirella wants to know if she can trust Andy before they make love, and Andy somehow misses an opportunity for a tasteless pull-out joke. She asks Andy to protect her from the dangers of the woods — good luck, sister! — and makes him swear to by “the light” holding up a finger to his, which lights both of their fingertips like E.T. and Elliott, I swear. Fairyland anchor baby phone home!

Emporium. In a serious Wiccan health code violation, Marnie uses the pool of Casey’s blood on the floor as a makeshift crystal ball. The magic bloodstain shows Marnie her future — with a bullet in her head. She lies to the witches, claiming that the vamps want to kill them all so they need to form a circle. The skeptical witches join her, while Jesus prepares the blood ritual in the magick bathroom. Is he carving “XTC” into his arm? Superfan! He makes Lafayette bind his hands with Marnie’s green scarf and rub the potpourri into his wounds: “this symbolizes the bond between Marnie and Antonia.” Whatever happened to promise rings? Meanwhile, Marnie convinces Sookie to join the circle.

Outside, Jess watches Jason’s scorched skin heal and they make sexy eyes at each other, but Jessica’s fangs come out before they can get it on, and she starts moaning — but not sexy-moaning, it’s all very “braaaaains.” She and the rest of the vampire gang are being moved around like very good-looking puppets by Marnie’s spell which attempts to lurch the vampires into the forcefield to their true deaths. Inside, Sookie hears Jason think, “they’re going to fry!” and yet does nothing. Wake up, Bo Peep! They’re almost into the forcefield when Sookie finally fairyhands the circle apart and breaks up the zombie-walk. Jess is so sick of this plot. Bill vows to rip Marnie’s heart out. Pam apologizes to Eric for defying him, but he wants her out of his sight before he kills her. Children will break your heart, Eric. Every time.

Inside, Marnie and Roy turn on Sookie, and Tara calls Roy an Uncle Tom. Ha! Marnie traps Sookie inside a ring of fire while rendering the other witches powerless to help. Bill and Eric can hear Sookie’s fear from outside. In the magick bathroom, Jesus gets his demon blood spell on and starts muttering in reverb. Demon face? Demon face! Jesus’ demon has those gauged earlobes. He’s missing Burning Man for this! He barfs out some fire and burns his bound wrists apart, and Antonia peels herself out of Marnie and vanishes, along with Sookie’s ring of fire and the forcefield keeping Bill and Eric out of the Emporium. The vampires zoom inside. Game time.

Bill would like the witches to say hello to his little friend, but Sookie sticks up for the rest of the coven, throwing only Marnie under the bus. “Just Marnie,” Bill Batmans. Roy claims they’ll have to go through him first, so Eric rips Roy’s heart out with his bare hands “Temple of Doom”-style and sips blood from his aorta like a freaking Capri Sun before tossing it over his shoulder without so much as a backwards glance. Eric is BACK. Bill guns Marnie down, fulfilling the dirty floor’s prophecy.

Sam walks out of the model home, and Emma rushes up to him. “Where’s my daddy?” she asks, while Luna gives Sam the stinkeye. Awkward! Speaking of awkward, back at the Bellefleur house, Andy tells Arlene his Bon Temps version of a letter to Penthouse (“and I was good at it, Arlene!”) until she recoils in appropriate horror and disbelief. You can ask the citizens of Bon Temps to swallow a lot of outlandish ideas — were-panthers, skinwalkers — but Andy Bellefleur getting laid? Yeah, right.

Clean up time in the Emporium. Eric glamors the surviving unnamed supporting cast members while Jesus grieves over Marnie and Sookie hungry-eyes Eric and Bill like two halves of a sandwich. Jason tries to blah-blah-Hoyt, but Jessica shuts it down for good. “Don’t tell me about loss,” she says. Jason confesses that Jess is all he thinks about, and what should he do next? Jessica wishes she knew. I know, but the show’s almost over and there’s nary a pick-up in sight.

At Lafayette’s house, he and Jesus cuddle on the Jackie Collins for K-Mart bedding line. Jesus feels guilty over Marnie’s death, but Lafayette sets him straight: “ain’t no way that bad juju wasn’t gonna come back to her,” he voodoos like a pro. “We’re alive, we’re safe,” Lafayette foreshadows, because while the storyline might feel resolved, there’s still one more episode left in the season. Jesus, worn out from saving the world, falls asleep. Lafayette gets ready to do the same, but Marnie’s spirit appears over his bed and she sucks herself down into his mouth. Possession plot twist, just in time for the finale!

If Antonia’s necromancy is so tight, how come she can’t control Bill and Nan right now? Are they wearing tin-foil wigs?

Eric pulls the silver bullet out like a champ and goes back to rumbling with Bill. Sookie pleads with Eric to fight off Antonia’s spell, but he tries to stake Bill instead. Eric is our favorite for a reason. Sookie, sensing her ménage à trois will never happen unless she takes charge, fairy-bombs Eric before he can shank Bill through the heart. When the impact releases Eric from Antonia’s spell, he regains his free will along with all of his memories, including sexy time with Sookie. Pay attention to that little flashback, because that’s all the naked you get in this episode.

Sookie’s fairyhands didn’t just free Eric, they broke Antonia’s spell and the bloodshed stops. When Antonia sees how many humans were harmed in the massacre, she is aghast. Lady, this was your party. Antonia escapes out of Marnie for a second, then is reabsorbed. Bill and Eric call a truce, and Marnie vanishes with her entourage.

We check in on a post-coital Jason and Jessica, who fumble for their clothes in the truck bed. Jason feels guilty for having sex with his best friend’s ex-, but Jess maintains that she’s a free woman and they didn’t do anything wrong. She’s about had it with the bro-mance angle, which reminds me to go looking for the Hoyt/Jason slash-fiction that I know must exist. Jason lies through his teeth, claiming that he never would have tried to tap Bon Temps’ finest redhead if she hadn’t loaded him up with her blood first, and then asks her to glamor him so he can forget everything that happened — pretty much the worst thing you can say after a first date. Jess, appropriately disgusted, storms off to find somebody to eat.

Over at the Wiccan slumber party, Antonia’s imprisoned mutineers complain about how there’s no cell-phone reception in the Moon Goddess Emporium, as if now is really the time to be playing Words With Friends. Tara and Holly vow to pit their own strong angry women powers against Antonia’s to break free. Antonia, warlock Roy and their two remaining zombie vampires re-appear and she rails at the imprisoned witches for being ungrateful to her for protecting them from “the night beasts.” Nobody likes a martyr, Antonia. Then Marnie and Antonia start having a tense conversation, which is awkward since they are both muttering at each other out of the same mouth.

Back in Bill’s oval office, Nan wants to know why he’s has been holding out on her about “your little dairy maid and her lightning trick” but Bill brushes that aside, declaring that they are going after the necromancer by any means necessary, Nan’s protests and vampire authorities be damned. Apparently, special Glamor Squads have been dispatched to Shreveport to erase memories of the Festival of Tolerance bloodbath. Out in the living room, Eric tells Sookie that although he remembers his former life, gentle new Eric is still part of him as well. “Can’t you see him in my eyes?” he asks. I don’t know, Eric. Maybe I could see him better in your pants. Sookie loves Eric, but she admits she also still loves Bill. “How is that possible?” Eric asks on our behalf. Sookie pulls the V-card, too, blaming her indecision on having the blood of both vampires in her veins. Those Stackhouse kids need to take responsibility. Thankfully, Pam bursts in and she and Eric enjoy a tearful reunion. Bill announces they’ll blow up the Moon Goddess Emporium since fire kills witches, but Sookie protests that Tara and other humans are being held prisoner there. Too bad, toots. The vampires are silvering and going to ground, and the next night they’ll finish Antonia once and for all.

After he intervened in Tommy’s vicious beating at the hands of Marcus’ wolfpack, Alcide tries to drive Tommy to the hospital, but Tommy knows the side effects of skin-walking are killing him and asks to be taken “home” to Merlotte’s instead. He’s barfing blood and it doesn’t look good. Sam meets them outside the bar, frantic to save him, but Tommy wants to die and Alcide agrees he has the right. They lay Tommy out on the pool table like Morgan Earp in “Tombstone” and try to comfort him with stories about the beautiful light and loving people waiting for him on the other side. Tommy’s skeptical: “There ain’t no heaven, and hell’s a dogfight.” If Tommy doesn’t die, he should start a metal band called Necromancer. Of course, there’s already a metal band called Necromancer. They’re big in Bulgaria. Tommy calls Sam a sucker for believing in angels. He is talking to a shapeshifter and a werewolf, but angels are out of the question. Tommy apologizes for all he’s done wrong and Sam apologizes for not being a better brother, and Tommy — though not his subplot! — dies, with Sam vowing revenge on Marcus and his wolves.

It is daytime and Jason’s drinking a beer, of course, when Hoyt comes over and asks if he can crash for a while since his house reminds him of Jessica. I love how we always see Jason drinking beer and watching football or banging chicks, never doing curls at the gym or anything. Jason has a Miller Lite throw pillow and a cooler full of beer in the living room, even though the refrigerator is 20 feet from the couch. Hoyt gets weepy reminiscing over Jess. Jason, guilt all over his face, squirms.

Over at the House of Bellefleurs, Andy wakes up to Terry waving a found vial of V and Arlene yelling about the children and the disgrace of an elected official being strung out on illegal drugs. Andy tries to deny the V is his. Disapproving cousin disapproves. Terry decides it’s time that he and Andy take a little trip to Fort Bellefleur, Terry’s old treehouse where apparently he lived “like an insane squirrel” after he came home from the war. Terry’s clean now, “except the anti-psychotics,” so he knows what Andy needs — an intervention. At the treehouse, Terry uncovers an “A-Team”-style weapons stash and the cousins shoot cans while hashing out all of their family pain.

Jason comes over to Sookie’s for brunch to avoid Hoyt, and Sookie enlists Jason to help her fight the witches and save Tara before Bill can blow up the Moon Goddess Emporium first. Jason has no idea what’s gone down in the last 24 hours. Why would he? It’s not like he’s responsible for public safety or anything. They head over to Lafayette’s to make a plan. Jesus points out that Marnie is a victim, too, and he wants to help her push Antonia out rather than fight.

Inside the Emporium, Holly finds a spell she thinks will break the force field, but Tara’s not so sure they can pronounce all of the Latin words. Holly claims all they need is faith, but I think they might need a good pocket dictionary, too. Tara scoffs at faith, but Holly sensibly points out that there’s a 400-year-old witch and two zombie vampires in the kitchen. Tara’s going to get all precious over what she does and does not believe in? Wait ’til the angels show up.

In the kitchen, Marnie and Antonia struggle until Antonia’s spirit rushes out of Marnie’s mouth and takes shape so they can have a proper chat. Turns out Marnie is not an innocent vehicle here — she wants to finish the job and kill all the vampires, and if human “collaborators” get in the way, they’re toast. Antonia is sickened by the bloodshed. In what must be the worst “It Gets Better” clip ever, Marnie whines about being bullied for being different, saying, “you’ve been gone a long time, Antonia. I don’t think you remember what people are really like.” Antonia gives in, and back into Marnie she goes.

Outside, Sookie, Jason, Jesus and Lafayette pull up to find the surrounding neighborhood deserted. Is Jesus wearing a Members Only jacket? Call the Glamor Squad. Jesus approaches the Emporium, and Marnie/Antonia comes out for a standoff and makes Jesus breach the forcefield to prove his witchy powers. He turns into a horned demon, briefly (“It’s a Latin thing,” says Lafayette), makes it to the other side and disappears inside.

Gross Debbie is still gross. She and Marcus discuss Alcide over a joint. Debbie says she just wants to be a normal werewolf, you know, hang out in a pack, hunt, have babies, but Alcide doesn’t want to bring another werewolf into this mess of a world. Marcus suggests that “a different wolf” knock Debbie up instead, wink-wink. Let’s imagine Debbie as a mother. If you followed Courtney Love on Twitter, you know how that story’s going to end. Good thing Marcus isn’t at work, because Sam and Alcide bust into his shop and beat up one of his pack in his place.

Inside the emporium, Jesus appeals to Antonia to let him talk to Marnie. She did not just call Lafayette “the Moor.” Antonia, you have been dead a while. Naturally, Antonia wants Lafayette’s sweet medium magic. Antonia tells Jesus she speaks on Marnie’s behalf. This whole spirit/medium thing is really co-dependent. Finally, she lets Marnie speak for herself and she lays it all out for Jesus: “this is not possession, this is union!” Betrothed Wiccan viewers scramble to rewrite their handfasting vows.

Jesus telepaths what he’s learned out to Sookie, while Tara and Holly chant their Latin in the other room. It’s all a little “Teen Witch” with the spooky breeze and hocus pocus, but it works and the protection spell lifts long enough for Tara and Holly to run outside and get caught by the forcefield with Lafayette and Sookie. The girls and Lafayette are beamed back inside the building, leaving Jason flapping in the breeze.

Terry finishes Andy’s intervention by holding him down and making him promise not to do V anymore. Andy hits rock bottom, crying with shame, afraid that the V has eaten his soul. Terry reassures him that men without souls don’t cry. Hugs and guns and I love you, man. Then Terry makes Andy walk all the way home. Ha!

Night falls. The mysterious authorities have finally allowed Eric to change out of the lumberjack clothes. He drives Bill, Pam and Jessica over to the Emporium, and they emerge from the car in slow-motion, clad in combat black and carrying flame throwers, like Wyatt Earp and the whole “Tombstone” gang headed into the OK Corral, while The Used’s cover of “Burning Down the House” plays. Hold tight!

Bill (improbably): “We can pray.”

Alcide (bitterly): “A werewolf and a vampire, who’s gonna listen?”

Bill (stiltedly): “That I do not know.”

Which reminds me of a classic theological conundrum: How many werewolf bitches can dance on the head of a pin? (Answer: Dude, that’s a dirty needle.)

During the battle, Marnie/Antonia activated her control spell on Eric and took him back to the Moon Goddess Emporium. Tara had a change of heart after Bill prevented Pam from killing her and is upset that Antonia didn’t accept his offer of peace. Some of the witches, including Tara and waitress Holly, try to revolt, because it’s all fun and Stevie Nicks songs until someone gets their throat torn out in a graveyard. Antonia’s not having it, declaring that the witches are going to crash the Festival of Tolerance Event the vampires have planned for the next evening and nobody’s leaving until she says so.

Sookie wakes to find Bill and Alcide hovering over her, but she’s worried about Eric instead. She insists they go look for him, and Alcide declares again that he is done with the fangers and their fangy fanging and storms out, leaving Sookie to sleep off the trauma of being shot in the stomach and fought over by every hot guy in Renard Parish. Side note: “Thanks for the blood” is maybe the most awkward thing you could have to say to an ex-boyfriend. Alcide skulks home to get naked and snuggle Debbie, who pretends to have fallen asleep in bed while watching
“Cheaters.”

Dawn approaches and Vampire League buzzkill Nan waits for Bill behind his desk while Jessica cries over Hoyt and Jason. Nan has 99 problems, Jessica. You’ll understand when you’re 400 years old. When Bill gets home they self-silver in the basement while bickering through a committee meeting so dull it should have been taped for V-Span. Bill wants to cancel the Festival of Tolerance because it’s too dangerous, but Nan, repping for mysterious vampire “factions within,” demands that the event (and so this plot) must go on.

Sadly, no Pam this episode. Maybe her face fell off again.

The night before, Luna encouraged Sam to leave after the showdown with her no-good werewolf babydaddy Marcus, but Sam, still trying to heal his own broken home, suggests instead that they take her daughter camping out in the Bon Temps woods where the werewolves, vampires, pissed-off witches and meth-panthers roam. Sam’s so sensible. If he ever tires of running that bar, he could have a bright future in the Bon Temps sheriff department. The next morning, Marcus swaggers into Merlotte’s and tells Tommy to have Sam to meet him later that night at his motorcycle shop, but Sam and Luna are already camping by the river with her daughter like a family in an SUV commercial. Sam should know by now he can’t have nice things, so I hope he enjoys that domestic bliss while it lasts.

Hoyt, heartbroken and hungover in a redneck-fabulous bald eagle and American flag T-shirt subtly urging him to “cowboy up,” packs Jessica’s personal effects in a box labeled “For You, Monster.” Hey, we’ve all been there. The box includes a Twilight paperback and a copy of Taylor Swift’s “Speak Now,” reminding us that no matter how hard she tries, Jessica is doomed to be a virgin for eternity. Enter Lafayette, possessed by the ghost of a Creole woman who believes Arlene and Terry’s baby Mikey is her dead son. He chases Hoyt out with a gun, claiming, “this my baby; this my house.” I hate that that ghost lady made Lafayette leave the house without his hair done.

The Bellefleurs wake to find Baby Mikey and Andy’s gun missing and Jason is there to investigate when Hoyt calls him and they all convoy over to the baby hostage stand-off. Terry’s having war flashbacks and Andy chugs enough V to turn him into the Incredible Hulk, banging on the door while Lafayette, whose inhabiting spirit we learn is named Mavis, holes up inside singing to the baby. The rest of the crack commando squad mill about in the yard, hollering at each other until Andy tackles Terry, who accuses him of being jealous of Arlene and their ghost-bait child.

Sookie’s sleeping in today. It’s obvious when Sookie’s dreaming because her hair looks amazing and the house is a lot cleaner than usual. Eric shows up in the gauzy daylight and kisses her, then Bill charges in and they show fangs. Because it’s Sookie’s dream, she makes them have an excruciating conversation before anyone can get naked. To underscore that this is in no way really happening, Dream Sookie has a smart idea. Since she loves both Bill and Eric, they should totally have a three-way. When the guys demur, she’s outraged on behalf of the viewing public: “You guys are vampires, what’s with all the morality?” And then she strips down to her undies while Dream Bill and Dream Eric try to figure out how to do this without getting in the slightest bit Dream Gay, because apparently “True Blood” fans can’t have nice things, either.

As if the Baby Mikey stand-off wasn’t enough of a carnival, Jesus shows up. Jason thinks Lafayette and Jesus might be engaged in some extended role-playing sex game, and to his credit Jesus doesn’t punch Jason in his beautiful, fool face. Jesus goes inside and explains the facts of the afterlife to Mavis, who is pretty freaked out when she realizes that she possessed a medium with a penis. That shakes her up enough to realize she’s a ghost and Mikey is not her poor dead baby, fais deaux deaux. Jesus walks Mavis through her last moments alive and together they discover that Virgil, Mavis’ treacherous lover, killed both Mavis and her baby and buried them nearby. Jesus leads Lafayette/Mavis outside so they can try to find the burial spot, and when Lafayette (still inhabited by the ghost) apologizes to Terry, he forgives easily and sincerely. Turns out you really need to be a traumatized combat vet to find your way around this town.

Debbie scores V in an alley and it is gross. I would watch Debbie’s episode of “Intervention” so hard. All cranked up, she drives to Sookie’s to have a heart to heart. She claims, “I ain’t crazy,” and Sookie’s delicate eyebrow arch says it all. But Sookie believes Debbie’s sneaky innocent thoughts and decides to put her trust in the paws of a jealous addict. Sookie might be the smartest Stackhouse — that’s kind of like being the were-panther with the best teeth.

Alcide shows up at Marcus’ shop to officially join the pack, and Marcus asks Alcide to be his second when Sam comes over to hash the whole Luna thing out. Alcide don’t want any trouble, you understand. But heck, he can trust Marcus! Wouldn’t you?

Suddenly, it’s dark outside. While Jason gives Andy the business about being an out-of-control junkie, Hoyt digs up two sets of bones, and he and Jesus hand an intact baby skeleton up to Lafayette with their bare hands, so help me, and Mavis and her baby are reunited. Now that her soul can rest, Jesus is able to cast out Mavis, who hopes that her next leap will be the leap home. Everyone, including Lafayette, is grateful to Jesus for exorcising that subplot. And now that Hoyt has his living room back, he can finish packing up Jessica’s box in peace. The Taylor Swift CD is the last to go, and when Jason defends Jessica, Hoyt, still bitter, wants him to just take the monster box to the hot red-headed monster already, please. Well, sir, if you say so.

Debbie and Sookie team up to case the Emporium, Debbie sweet-talking Antonia with promises of werewolf-witch alliances while Sookie breaks in the back door. She finds Eric in a closet but he wants her to leave, revealing Antonia’s plans to have him “kill the king.” Tara finds them and points a gun at Sookie’s head, and the other witches chant, “shoot her!” Tempting. While Debbie tries to double-cross Sookie, Tara double-crosses Antonia, coaching Sookie to listen to her thoughts as they coordinate a hasty escape for Sookie, leaving Tara behind. Antonia takes the loyal witches with her to the festival and imprisons the remaining insubordinate members of the coven inside the Emporium. Debbie tries to ditch her, but Sookie makes Debbie drive her to the Tolerance Festival at the Shreveport Dorchester (I suppose the Bon Temps Plaza was already booked) to save Bill from the assassination plot. It’s showdown time.

In the Shreveport Dorchester, a member of the local chapter of the Living-Dead Alliance gives a tearful speech while Bill and Nan argue sotto voce about vampire politics. “How can you have an event in honor of the living dead without any living dead?” Bill prisses, comparing their vampire pep rally to a civil rights protest. Nan, to her credit, scoffs. Then Nan gives her talking points. When is James Carville going to guest-star? Eric shows up and security chases him right into an Antonia trap.

Back at their campsite, Sam and Luna enjoy a backlit hook up, their tent sex cut with scenes of Tommy skin-walking as Sam into Marcus’ shop. Tommy-as-Sam claims he hasn’t touched Luna, but his brother’s had her “every which way,” and then Marcus’ guard dogs start kicking the snot out of him until Tommy shifts back to himself and the wolves freak out. Alcide intercedes and carries a bloody, broken Tommy up out of the shop while we cut back to Sam and Luna having loud moan-y sex, because once in a while Sam gets to have one nice thing. Hope that kid’s a sound sleeper.

Jason heads over to the Compton Manse with the monster box, but when Jessica opens the door we see he has thoughtfully scribbled out Hoyt’s message. Jess and Jason pretend like they’re not going to have sex. But then they totally do, in the back of Jason’s truck while a Taylor Swift song plays — even though Jason is a grown man with a house and a job. And why they are they doing it outside in the metal pick-up bed if Jess is clearly home alone? You know Bill has those nice Tempur-Pedic mattresses.

Sookie berates Debbie for driving “like a girl” all the way to Shreveport, hops out of the truck, tells Debbie to go home to Alcide and races into the Dorchester to warn Bill, who has taken the podium to address the tolerant crowd. Stephen Moyer can’t say “war” in a Southern accent to save his life. Sookie enters the ballroom but the witches have gutted the security guards and Antonia has summoned Eric. Sookie screams out a warning, “They’re coming for you, Beell, RUN!” And we never got to see that three-way, damn it.