Nikki Stern
Can I move past being a 9/11 widow?
As the 10-year anniversary nears, I'm finding going on to the next phase of my life is harder than I'd imagined
I’d been imagining the 10th anniversary as a cleaver that, like the event itself, would sunder my life into before and after. Ten years after the attack that took my husband and left me an involuntary member of a group of grieving relatives, I would quit 9/11.
In 2005, I began to pull away from the roles that had given me purpose after my husband was killed. Activism is healing, especially when your life has been literally split in two (we were two; now I’m one). I felt I might be making a difference, and I found comfort in people who seemed to understand both my deep pain and my desire to work.
I was spent, though: tired of attempting to express opinions on behalf of others; tired of steering clear of opinions I wanted to express; sick of being treated differently, as if I were a victim or a moral beacon or, God forbid, an opportunist; sick of being seen as a symbol of resilience; a receptacle for a nation’s fear, anger, resentment and confusion; someone forever defined by one unexpected, violent and all too public event. I didn’t want to represent 9/11 families; I didn’t want to be known as a 9/11 widow.
I stayed professionally connected, advising and consulting on various projects, writing a few Op-Eds and a book based on my experiences, but the goal was to make a larger point about the danger of moral authority in America. And I found I didn’t have anything to say to the reporters who still called me for quotes to find out what “we families” might think about every 9/11-related event imaginable.
Last May, Osama bin Laden’s death prompted a new round of calls and requests for interviews. Along with a group of other family members, I met with the president of the United States at ground zero. Talking to Barack Obama was thrilling. But that day — the crowds and the checkpoints, the heightened security and the helicopters, the microphones and megaphones and construction cranes hanging over a still-incomplete building where my husband worked and died, even the identification badges bearing my name along with the words “family member” — dumped me back to 2001: a jumble of sights and sounds, exhaustion and exhilaration, highs and lows made up of fear, pride, confusion and the sense of being different or “special” on account of a loss so severe we hadn’t even had time to process it. I came home and cried like I hadn’t for years.
Maybe that was a turning point or maybe, this time around, there is no precise before and after. 9/11′s hold on me is more complicated than I anticipated; I must respect my memory’s tenacity. So I’ve developed a plan: I’m staying away from commemorations. I won’t be heading into lower Manhattan, not even (for now) to the memorial to try to locate my late husband’s name on the lists of the dead. No Op-Eds about 9/11 and how it changed America (did it?) or interviews about what I plan to do or what this milestone means to me. Have I quit 9/11? Perhaps, perhaps not. But I know this: For the first time in years, I’m looking forward to autumn.
Nikki Stern is the editor in chief of Does This Make Sense and the author of “Because I Say So: The Dangerous Appeal of Moral Authority.”
10 things I wish I’d said to Obama
As a part of a group of 9/11 families, I got to meet the president on Thursday. Sadly, I was a little tongue-tied
The author with President Obama Yesterday, as one of a group of selected 9/11 family members, I had an opportunity to meet with President Obama. Although the number of invitees swelled at the last minute and the format changed from a sit-down to a stand-up affair, I had my moments with the man. Problem is, I got kind of tongue-tied and forgot some of what I’d hoped to say:
- You look AMAZING.
- Would you consider closing Gitmo and turning it into a salsa club? I think you’d win points not only on your moral gesture but also for a project that could aid Cuba’s economy, thus marking the first step towards normalizing relations. Even the conservative Miami Cuban-American population would appreciate your cultural sensitivities and their support could be key in winning Florida in 2012.
- Michelle has you working with weights, doesn’t she?
- Some people are concerned that Pakistan, stung by being out of the loop when it came to the bin Laden mission, will become more dangerous, harboring terrorists and perhaps even sharing its nuclear power. But if you made a movie of the operation, you could cut Pakistan in on international distribution and related ancillary rights as well as job-creating monies generated by filming on location. To play well in certain parts of the world, the filmmakers might create an interactive version in which viewers get to choose alternate endings. This could be a boon to another growing cottage industry — the conspiracy theorists. Win-win.
- You’re getting grey, Mr. President — but I guess you know that.
- You totally rocked at the White House Correspondents’ dinner — and considering it was the night before the big take-down, you deserve an Oscar.
- Say, maybe instead of the usual photo ops, we might take a minute, just you and I, to do some serious talking about domestic and world issues and my online magazine, which you’d really like. I have a lot of good ideas and I think it would be very moving to have you sitting with an ordinary 9/11 family member sharing a moment to talk about the personal and the political while you’re holding a copy of my book upright and facing the camera.
- Can I sneak a peek at your long-form? Uh, birth certificate, I mean.
- Did I mention that you look AMAZING?
- It’s an honor to meet you sir. I don’t have anything to ask of you; I just want to thank you for being here today and for doing what you’re doing. I’m a big fan of yours — have been for some time — and oh, by the way, my sister loves you, too.
(Actually, I did say that last bit, which might account for his big grin.)
How do I feel about bin Laden’s death?
As a 9/11 widow, that's what the media wants to know -- but my feelings aren't that simple
The author and her husband in 1997 Sunday night, I was asleep in my bed when I was jolted awake by the ringing phone, which I couldn’t answer because I’d moved it out of the way of the painters. After a couple more calls over the next hour, I finally made an effort to locate the answering machine to play back the messages: “Hi, we’re from such and such station and we were wondering how you feel about the announcement that bin Laden’s been killed?”
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A Times critic questions the sincerity of the writer's new memoir. It's hard not to take these charges personally
The prolific author Joyce Carol Oates has written a book about losing her husband, following in the heartbroken footsteps of many other such memoirs, such as “The Year of Magical Thinking” by Joan Didion. Oates’ book, “A Widow’s Story,” has been generally, although carefully, praised save for one review by New York Times critic Janet Maslin, who (bravely or foolishly, take your pick) questions the author’s sincerity of purpose.
Continue Reading ClosePumpkin spice meringue shells with fall fruit compote
Crisp and chewy, these compote-filled meringue shells make the most of fall's bounty
My sister the cook (not to be confused with my sister the research librarian) and I were reminiscing about Milwaukee the other day. We grew up there, third-generation locals on my dad’s side. In those long-ago days, Milwaukee was largely German and Polish. One of Dad’s favorite restaurants was Boder’s in the small town of Mequon, Wis., just north of the city.
Dad had gone to high school with (and had dated) the owner at the time, Dolly, who ran the place with her husband, Jack, who’d inherited the place from his father. Eating there was like going to a friend’s house for a meal — a German-influenced meal, that is. Which is not to say the food wasn’t first-rate because it was, from fresh-caught trout and whitefish (it was on the Milwaukee River) to more traditional German dishes (veal Oscar and duck with cherries).
Continue Reading ClosePumpkin spice meringue shells with fall fruit compote recipe
Schaum Torte/Meringues
Yield: About a dozen
Unfilled shells may be frozen.
Ingredients
- ½ cup (approximately 4-6 eggs) egg whites at room temperature
- 1 teaspoon vinegar
- 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
- 2 cups sugar
- ½ teaspoon pumpkin pie spice
- ½ cup cooked pumpkin puréed (not pie filling)
Directions
- Preheat oven to 275°.
- Beat egg whites in metal or ceramic bowl (not plastic) until very stiff; add vinegar and vanilla. While mixer runs, add sugar very gradually until all has been added. Continue beating until mixture is well blended and egg whites again form stiff peaks. Reduce speed to medium and beat 1 minute.
- Place the pumpkin purée and spice in a small bowl. Fold in 1/3 of the egg white mixture to lighten the pumpkin. Pour back into the whipped mixture and gently fold in. Be very gentle so that you don’t deflate the egg whites. This batter should stand up to a spoon and not be at all runny.
- Grease 2 cookie sheets and place large spoonfuls of the stiff batter close together to form large circles about the size of a fruit cup.
- Bake in preheated oven 1 hour. Turn oven off and let cool completely before opening the door.
- Remove carefully with a spatula. The shells will crack a bit allowing plenty of room for the compote or ice cream or both!
Fall Fruit Compote
Yield: 1½ cups
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