Spice Girls

Spice Girls spice up your songbook

The jukebox musical strikes again, as the 90s girl-power posse get their own musical

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Spice Girls spice up your songbookThe Spice Girls (L-R) Melanie Chisholm, Victoria Beckham, Emma Bunton, Geri Halliwell and Melanie Brown perform as they kick off their reunion tour in Vancouver British Columbia, December 2, 2007. REUTERS/Lyle Stafford (CANADA)(Credit: Reuters)

Can I tell you what I want? What I really, really want? Tickets to the Spice Girls musical, which, Variety reports, is officially on its way to London’s West End. Rumors of the show began circulating in October 2009, much to the horror of those who gritted their teeth through the Spice Girls’ campy, cartoonish girl-powerdom the first time around but much to the delight of British pop fans and girls who grew up in the 1990s, some of whom, say, have had a Union Jack mini-dress hidden in the back of their closet for 10 years waiting for just such an occasion (read: me). Judy Craymer, the brains behind “Mamma Mia!,” teamed up with “American Idol” creator and one-time Spice Girls manager Simon Fuller to produce the musical, which is tentatively — and lamely — titled “Viva Forever.” (My vote: ”Spice Invaders.”)

Though “Viva Forever” won’t feature any of the five original Spices (Scary, Ginger, Baby, Sporty and Posh), it will incorporate their big hits — from “Wannabe” to “The Lady is a Vamp” —  into the musical’s plot, ”Mamma Mia!”-style. Craymer described the show as “a mix of fact and fiction, a story of women and friendship,” which makes it sound a little like “Spice World,” the Girls’ disastrous 1997 foray into film, on stage, minus the guest appearances from Meat Loaf and Elvis Costello (and, one would hope, the badness). Geri Halliwell, a.k.a. Ginger Spice, is set to help develop the show, and dare we dream that she’ll encourage the audience to dress up as their favorite characters a la “Mamma Mia”? “Viva Forever” is expected to open in London in the next two to three years, just enough time to learn how to work those platform boots again.

 

Margaret Eby is an editorial fellow at Salon.

Beckham, the virus

He's one of the most famous humans who has ever lived -- even though he's not that cute, not that smart and not that great a soccer player.

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Beckham, the virus

It hasn’t been like this since the death of Diana. Britain has been suffering from a national nervous breakdown ever since David Beckham, handsome icon of the Manchester United soccer team, announced last week that he was leaving to play for Real Madrid. The Sun, the most popular tabloid, set up a Beckham “grief helpline” and claims it has been swamped with calls from distressed fans. One caller said he was considering suicide, while several confessed that they were so upset they couldn’t perform in bed. A man who has “Beckham” tattooed on his arm threatened to cut if off. “I cried myself to sleep after hearing the awful news,” said grandmother Mary Richards, age 85. A London cabby, ever the voice of reason, asked, “Has the world gone mad? He’s only a footballer!” But he was mistaken. A footballer is the least of what David Beckham is.

In the era of soccer that will come to be known as B.B. — Before Beckham — the sport was a team game. What mattered was the club, the team and the player in that order. Then in the mid-1990s, David Beckham — or “Becks” as he is known in that familiar, affectionately foreshortened form with which the British like to address their working class heroes — came along, flicked his (then) Diana-style blond fringe and changed the face of soccer. It wasn’t his legendary right foot that altered the game, but his photogenic face — and the fact that he used it to become one of the most recognizable, richest and valuable athletes in the world, receiving a salary of $8 million per year, earning at least $17 million more in endorsements and commanding a record transfer fee for his move to Real Madrid of $41.6 million.

Beckham’s greatest value is his crossover appeal — he interests not only those who have no interest in the club for which he plays, but those who have no interest in soccer. He is the most recognized sportsman in Asia, where soccer is still relatively new. Possibly only Buddha himself is better known — though Beckham is catching up there too: In Thailand someone has already fashioned a golden “Becks” Buddha. He’s even managed to interest Americans, for God’s sakes. The 27-year-old, tongue-tied, surprisingly shy working-class boy from London’s East End has succeeded in turning the mass, global sport of soccer into a mass, global promotional vehicle for himself, reproducing his image in countless countries. He has turned himself into a soccer virus, one that has infected the media, replicating him everywhere, all over the world, endlessly, making him one of the most famous men that has ever lived.

David Beckham, in other words, is a superbrand.

In recognition of this, Becks was the first footballer ever to receive “image rights” — payment for the earning potential his image provided his club — and got them, to the tune of $33,300 a week. In fact, image rights were the main issue at stake in the record-busting six weeks of contract renegotiations he had with Manchester United last year; his worth as a player was agreed at $116,500 a week almost immediately. Then there’s that $17 million a year for endorsing such brands as Castrol, Brylcreem, Coca Cola, Vodafone, Marks & Spencer and Adidas. And Becks just keeps getting bigger. His trusty lawyers have already registered his name for products as various as perfumes, deodorants, jewelry, purses, dolls and, oh yes, soccer jerseys. Such is the power of the Beckham brand that it’s hoped it can rescue the fortunes of Marks & Spencer’s clothing (a high-end British chain that has become a byword for “dowdy”). But alas, the brand couldn’t save murdered Suffolk girls Holly and Jessica, poignantly pictured last year in police posters in matching replicas of his No. 7 red shirt. When it was still hoped that they might be runaways, the man himself made a broadcast appeal for their return. There was the Becks, eerily right at the heart of the nation’s hopes and fears again.

Beckham has even managed to brand a numeral — 7 — the number on his soccer jersey. A clause in his Manchester United contract guaranteed him No. 7, he has 7 tattooed in Roman numerals on his right forearm, his black Ferrari’s registration plate is “D7 DVB,” and his Marks and Spencer’s clothing line is branded “DB07.” He even queues at No. 7 checkout when he goes shopping. This is often interpreted as a sign of his superstitiousness, but is more an indication of his very rational grasp of the magic of branding. (He may, however, have to settle for the number 77 when he moves to Real Madrid, as the coveted 7 is already taken by Spanish superstar Raul.)

But somehow, Beckham has not yet become a victim of his own success and has managed to remain officially “cool.” Europe’s largest survey into “cool” recently found that Beckham was the “coolest” male, according to both young women and men. Beckham’s status can be attributed to his diva-esque versatility and his superbrand power: “Like Madonna he is very versatile and able to radically change his image but not alienate his audience,” says professor Carl Rohde, head of the Dutch “cool hunting” firm Signs of the Time. “He remains authentic.” Each time he goes to the hairdresser’s and has a restyle — which is alarmingly often — he ends up on the cover of every tabloid in Britain. In other words, whatever Becks does, however he wears his hair or his clothes — or, crucially, whatever product he endorses — he is saying, as Rohde puts it, “this is just another aspect of me, David Beckham. Please love me.” And, of course, buy me. And millions do.

Becks’ greatest sales success, however, was actually on the football field — though less with the ball than with the camera. He’s the most famous footballer in the world, and considered by millions to be one of the greatest footballers of all time, but arguably he’s not even a world-class player. A very fine one, to be sure, but not nearly the footballer we are supposed to think he is — not nearly the footballer we want to think he is. Sport, you might imagine, is the one area of contemporary life where hype can’t win, where results, at the end of the day, are everything. But Beckham has disproved that, has vanquished that, and represents the triumph of P.R. over … well, everything. His contribution to Manchester United was debatable. On footballing skills alone, he is arguably not worthy of playing for the English national team, let alone being its captain. However, in the last decade soccer has become part of show business and advertising. Beckham is a hybrid of pop music and football, the Spice Girl of soccer — hence his marriage to one. He is — indisputably — the captain of a new generation of photogenic, pop-tastic young footballing laddies that added boy-band value to the merchandising and media profile of soccer clubs in the 1990s.

Beckham’s footballing forte is free kicks. This is entirely appropriate, since these are, after all, among the most individualistic — and aesthetic — moments in soccer. Unlike a goal, with a free kick there’s no one passing to you, no one to share the glory with. Instead there’s practically a spotlight and a drum roll. And how he kicks! “Goldenballs” (as his wife, Victoria, aka Posh Spice, reportedly likes to call him) has impressive accuracy and his range is breathtaking — along with his famous “bending” trajectory, his kicks also have style and grace. Long arms outstretched à la Fred Astaire, wrists bent delicately upward, forward leg angled, and then — contact — and a powerful, precise, elegant thwump! and follow-through. An Englishman shouldn’t kick a ball like this. This is the way that Latins kick the ball. Beckham doesn’t just represent the aestheticization of soccer that has occurred in a media-tised world — he is the aestheticization of it. Like his silly hairdos, like his “arty” tattoos, like the extraordinarily elaborate post-goal celebrations he practices with the crowd, almost everything he does on the field is designed to remind you that No. 7 is anything but a number.

Off the soccer field Becks is able to use clothes and accessories to draw attention to himself. And does he. The Versace suits, the sarong, and the sequined track suit that opened the Commonwealth Games dazzled TV audiences and confused some foreign viewers who still thought the queen of England was a middle-aged woman. Essentially, Beckham’s visual style is “glam” — more Suede than Oasis (with a bit of contemporary R&B pop promo thrown in). And like glam rock, which was a British working-class style running riot in the decade of his birth, the 1970s, Beckham, the son of Leytonstone proletarians, has a clear image of himself as working-class royalty, the new People’s Princess (though his “superbrand” power has as yet been unable to sell us his wife, who, post-Spice Girls, remains unpopular and unsuccessful). Hence his wedding took place in a castle; at the reception afterward Posh and Becks were ensconced in matching His ‘n’ Hers thrones, and their Hertfordshire home was dubbed “Beckingham Palace” by the tabloids. Soccer, like pop music, is one of the few ways the British are permitted any success — it is, after all, something both manual and aristocratic at the same time. Becks the football pop star represents and advertises a materialistic aspirationalism that doesn’t appear bourgeois.

Beckham’s tattoos — a literal form of branding — seem to epitomize this. What were once badges of male working-class identity are now ways of advertising the unique Becks brand. “Although it hurts to have them done, they’re there forever and so are the feelings behind them,” Becks has explained. But these are not the kind of “Mum & Dad Always” tattoos his plumber dad and his mates might have had. The huge, shaven-headed, open-armed, “guardian angel” with an alarmingly well-packed loincloth on his back looks more than a little like himself with a Jesus complex. Beneath, in gothic lettering, is his son’s name: Brooklyn. Once his uniform comes off at the end of a match — as it usually does, and before anyone else’s — the tattoos help him to stand out instantly, and mean that he is never naked: He’s always wearing something designer.

Becks clearly enjoys getting his tits out for the lads and lasses — and oiling them up for the cover of Esquire and other laddie mags. While he may look strangely undernourished and fragile in a soccer uniform, as if his ghoulishly skinny wife has been taking away his fries, and all those injuries suggest he’s somewhat brittle, stripped down he looks as lithe and strong as a panther. He doesn’t drink, he doesn’t smoke, he doesn’t do drugs. His body is a temple — to his own self-image — which he never ceases worshipping.

There is however a submissive photophilia to Becks. A certain passivity or even masochism about his displays for the camera, which seem to say “I’m here for you.” Hence perhaps the fondness for those Christ-like/James Dean-like poses with arms outstretched (the cover of Esquire had him “crucified” on the Cross of St. George). Even those free kicks seem to have the loping iconography of “Giant” or Calvary about them. Of course, really Becks is there for him, but it’s a nice thought nonetheless.

To some, of course, he is already a god — literally. In addition to the Thai Becks Buddha, a pair of Indian artists have painted him as Shiva, the Hindu god of destruction. In the Far East, androgyny is seen as a feature of godhead — and so it has here in the West as well since the Rolling Stones. As Becks tells us himself: “I’m not scared of my feminine side and I think quite a lot of the things I do come from that side of my character. People have pointed that out as if it’s a criticism, but it doesn’t bother me.” It’s as if when he was a teenager he looked at those grainy black-and-white ’80s girlish bedroom shrine posters of smooth-skinned doe-ish male models holding babies and thought: I’d like to be like that when I grow up. Becks is the poster boy of what I have termed elsewhere metrosexuality. His hero/role-model status combined with his out-of-the-closet narcissism and love of shopping and fashion and apparent indifference to being thought of as “faggoty” means that for corporations he is a pricelessly potent vector for persuading millions, if not billions, of young men around the world to express themselves “fearlessly,” to be “individuals” — by wearing exactly what he wears. Beckham is the über-metrosexual, not just because he rams metrosexuality down the throats of those men churlish enough to remain retrosexual and refuse to pluck their eyebrows, but also because he is a sportsman, a man of substance — a “real” man — who wishes to disappear into surfaceness in order to become ubiquitous — to become media. Becks is The One, and better looking than Keanu — but, be warned, he’s working for the Matrix.

Ultimately, though, it is his desire that makes him the superbrand that he is. Beckham has succeeded where previous British soccer heroes you’ve never heard of, such as George Best, Alan Shearer and Eric Cantona — a Frenchman who played for Manchester United and is John the Baptist to Beck’s Christ — have failed, and has become a truly global star. Partly because the world has changed but mostly because they didn’t want it as much as he did. Becks is transparently so much more needy — more needy than almost any of us is. The public, quite rightly, only lets itself love completely those who clearly depend on that love, because they don’t want to be rejected. Beckham’s neediness is literally bottomless. Like his image, it grows with what it feeds on. He’ll never reject our gaze.

It’s there in his hungry face. He isn’t actually that attractive. Blasphemy! No really, his face doesn’t have a proper symmetry. His mouth is froglike and bashfully off-center. But what is attractive, or at least hypnotizing in a democratic kinda way, which is to say mediagenic, is his neurotic-but-ordinary desire to be beautiful, and to use all the technology and voodoo of consumer culture and fame to achieve this. His apparent lack of an inner life, his submissive, high-pitched 14-year-old-boy voice that no one listens to, his beguiling blankness, only emphasize his success, his powerfulness in a world of superficiality. That oddly flat-but-friendly gaze that peers out from billboards and behind Police sunglasses looks to millions like the nearest thing to godliness in a godless world. People fall in love not with him — who knows what Beckham is really like, or cares — but with his multimedia neediness, his transmitted “viral” desire, which seems to spread and replicate itself everywhere, endorsing multiple products. Becks’ desire, via the giant shared toilet handle of advertising, infects us, inhabits us and becomes our own.

The British for their part, even those calling tabloid papers in tears to declare their lives ruined now that Beckham is moving to Real Madrid, will survive sharing him with the Spanish for a few years. After all, they’re already proudly sharing him with most of the rest of the world — and basking in his reflected, if somewhat synthetic glory. No one buys our pop music anymore; our “Britpop” prime minister, Tony Blair, post-Iraq, is widely regarded abroad as a scoundrel; our royals, post Diana, are a dreary bunch of sods (even her sainted son William is beginning to lose some of his Spencer spark and glow to the tired, horsey blood of his “German” dad and grandmama); and our national soccer squad has difficulty beating countries with a population smaller than Southampton. But “our Becks” on the other, perfectly manicured hand, is something British the world seems to actually want, badly.

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Mark Simpson is the author of "Saint Morrissey" (SAF Publishing).

Princess Di — movie star?

Costner says Diana was considering "Bodyguard" sequel; Hugh Grant's a jerk; and Scary Spice ditches the breast implants she said she never had.

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Royal shocker from Kevin Costner: If Princess Diana hadn’t died when she did, she may well have pulled a Whitney Houston.

According to the BBC, Costner has told interviewer Michael Parkinson that, at the time of her death in 1997, he and the Princess of Wales were deep in talks about her starring opposite him in a sequel to “The Bodyguard.”

“I had talked with Princess Di a couple of times. I explained to her that I was going to try to make this movie for her and she was genuinely interested,” Costner told Parkinson in an interview airing in the U.K. on Saturday.

While Costner says Diana “never committed to saying that she would do the film,” he promised to show her the script when it was done. “She was genuinely excited to see it,” he said, but fate would have otherwise. “The day the script was delivered to me, we lost Diana.”

So, alas, we’ll never know if the Princess of Wales would have been as fine an actress as Whitney.

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Channeling the king of Queen

“Freddie would go, ‘Oh wonderful.’”

— Queen guitarist Brian May on what the band’s late lead singer Freddie Mercury would say about the band’s induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame next week.

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Hugh better not call him nice

Hugh Grant wants the world to know that, whatever his ex Liz Hurley might say about him in all those gushy interviews, he’s not a nice guy.

He is, in fact, a miserable, self-centered cad, just like the role he’s playing in the upcoming big-screen adaptation of “Bridget Jones’s Diary,” Bridget’s icky co-worker/love interest, Daniel Cleaver. The jerky role, he says in the upcoming issue of Biography, is a “blessed relief” after all those stammering, flinchy-smiling nice-guy roles that are his signature.

“I’m nearer to Daniel Cleaver than I am to nice Charles [from "Four Weddings and a Funeral"] or nice William [from "Notting Hill"],” Grant insists.

Don’t tell me he thinks we’ve all forgotten the Divine Brown thing …

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The truth about falsies

“It was sooo great. I’d go out at night with those fake boobs and people treated me differently. At first I thought it was weird, but then I got into it. Man, it’s amazing what breasts do!”

Bridget Fonda on the faux mammaries she wore in Quentin Tarantino’s “Jackie Brown,” in Biography.

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Or is this the truth about falsies?

It seems there are good faux mammaries and bad faux mammaries, and Scary Spice apparently got the bad kind.

The Spice Girl known as Mel B. has secretly had her breast implants removed, according to the U.K. Mirror, in order to prevent them from leaking and wreaking havoc on her health. What’s more, the paper reports, the silicone falsies (which the singer has long denied having had implanted) were getting kinda hard and lumpy.

“Mel was worried that the hardening could cause the implants to leak,” a “source” told the tab. “They’d gone lumpy and were beginning to look a bit shapeless. The operation was a straightforward procedure and Mel is fine. She’s relieved it’s over.”

In related Mel B. boob news, Ananova reports that the newly natural Spice has decided against promoting a new inflatable bra that has just gone on sale in the U.K. The Ultrabra Airotic, to which the Spice Girl has apparently given an unofficial thumbs-up, is being marketed by Gossard as an easy way to pump yourself up two cup sizes in a “safe alternative to cosmetic surgery.”

(Frequent fliers take note: Testing has shown that the bra, which uses a detachable pump, won’t blow up in planes.)

A spokeswoman also touts the lingerie’s ability to go from flat to fluffy according to your mood. “Lots of women don’t want to have huge breasts through the day but do want to have them in the evening,” she told reporters. “They may be meeting a client for lunch in the day and want to look demure and then go clubbing in the evening. The pumps fit in your handbag if you want to deflate during the day.”

But be warned: If your co-workers catch you mid-deflation, you’re apt to feel like a real boob.

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Sporty Spice, Ditching Spice

The Spice formerly known as Mel C. says she's leaving; Leif Garrett's wanted by the law; and Bj

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Now, now. Don’t go getting your hopes up just yet. Sporty Spice Melanie Chisholm (sometimes known as Not-Untalented Spice) may not be quitting the Spice Girls after all.

Although Chisholm, who has managed a certain amount of success as a solo act, told Reuters on Thursday that she doesn’t “intend to do any more work with the Spice Girls,” the band’s rep denies the split.

“Really, I’ve not been comfortable being in the Spice Girls for probably the last two years,” Chisholm said in what may have been a rare moment of unguarded honesty. “It doesn’t really feel that natural to me anymore. I’ve grown up and I just feel that I want to do things my own way and not compromise.”

The whole concept, she said, is kinda old news. “We were such a huge phenomenon and there’s not really anywhere else to go with that.”

That may sound reasonable to the rest of us. Even wise. But to the Spice Girls’ spokesman, it apparently sounds like heresy.

“Melanie C hasn’t left the Spice Girls. Everyone wants to say it’s over but it isn’t, the group have still got strong ties,” the Girls’ spokesman Alan Edwards insisted to the BBC. “What she said is that we’ve got no plans at the moment and it’s been exaggerated into the final split and it isn’t the final split … It ain’t over until it’s over and it ain’t over.”

But if ol’ Sporty can’t kill the now-ancient golden goose that laid her one way, she may just try to shock it to death.

Last week, she told the Toronto Sun that, while she’s concentrating on her solo career, she also has her heart set on a duet … with Eminem. This despite the fact that he recently called the Spice Girls “all fat and ugly now.”

“There are a lot of lyrics and ideas he has about a lot of things that I completely disagree with, but as a musician and artist, I think he’s fantastic,” she said, adding that she’d like Dr. Dre to produce. “I think it’d be a very interesting collaboration.”

Eminem … Angry Spice?

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The admiration is not mutual

“He’s a smug son of a bitch, and I wanted to be able on national TV to tell him he is wrong.”

– Ousted “Survivor” contestant Jeff Varner on Richard Hatch, who’d pegged him to win “Survivor: The Australian Outback,” on CBS’s “The Early Show.”

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Wanted: Leif Garrett

This won’t come as a complete surprise to “Behind the Music” fans, but ’70s teen idol Leif “Runaround Sue” Garrett has a warrant out for his arrest.

Yep, it’s a drug thing.

According to the Associated Press, a Los Angeles judge issued the warrant after Garrett, now 39, didn’t show up at a hearing to see how his drug rehab was progressing.

Garrett landed on the wrong side of the law in June 1999, when he was arrested with a bunch of other people in a police narcotics sting at an L.A. apartment building. The former tousle-haired Tiger Beat heartthrob pled guilty to possession of heroin and cocaine and agreed to a treatment program including drug testing, counseling and anti-drug classes.

Wait, does this mean I have to take down my poster of him?

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Björn to be wild

“Get to it! … F*** for the future.”

– Swedish tennis champ Björn Borg urging Europeans to have more sex and make more babies to “work and put up for our pensions” in an advertisement in Dagens Industri, Sweden’s biggest business daily.

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Juicy bits

Russell Crowe’s not exactly cowering in the corner now that the FBI has uncovered evidence of a possible plot to kidnap him. Thursday, at the ShoWest convention in Las Vegas, the gladiator reentered the public arena for the first time since news of the plot broke, the BBC reports. But he wasn’t too happy about it. “Quite frankly, I would rather not be here,” he told reporters. “It’s just one of those things that’s on the schedule at the moment.” Proof of life going on.

As the ex-world leader best known for falling down, former President Gerald R. Ford may not be the first person you’d pick to host a celebrity skifest benefiting the Christopher Reeve Paralysis Foundation. That, however, is just what he’ll be doing at the CSFBdirect American Ski Classic, March 14-18 in Vail, Colo. Hitting the slopes with the ex-POTUS in the celebrity team giant slalom competition, the proceeds of which benefit spinal injury research: Buzz Aldrin, Billy Campbell, Cliff Robertson, Dan Fogelberg, Gloria Estefan, Kim Alexis and … Robert Kennedy Jr.

Is Jerry Springer the new Regis Philbin? So much for those political plans. The trashy talk-show host has signed on to become a trashy game-show host in England. (They love him over there.) The show, “Greed,” — a Chuck Woolery-hosted American version of which was launched and pulled by Fox last winter — will hit U.K. tellies this spring. Five contestants will compete each week for a top prize of $1.5 million. Wow, that kind of green’ll buy you a really big trailer.

For those of you who’ve spent long Saturday mornings wondering whether Fred from “Scooby-Doo” is gay or straight, Freddie Prinze Jr. is ready to clear things up. “Everybody makes jokes about him because he wears an ascot,” Prinze tells USA Today of the character he’s playing in the upcoming live-action movie based on the cartoon, “but he’s big into Daphne.” Right. Now that that’s cleared up, what about Ernie and Bert?

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Did Barrymore call off wedding?

"SNL" chief says Drew canceled five minutes before televised vows; Kyra Sedgwick on turkey basters and barenaked Bacon. Plus: A Famke Janssen Thanksgiving: "I don't care what I eat, as long as my meat gets well massaged"!

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Were Drew Barrymore and Tom Green really set to get hitched last weekend on “Saturday Night Live”?

You and the rest of the world may have thought the couple’s promise of end-of-show nuptials was one o’ them Tom Green pranks, but Variety’s Army Archerd is convinced all systems were set to go before Drew pulled out at the last minute.

Not only had Green secured a license and a minister to perform the ceremony, but the couple’s buddies Cameron Diaz, Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson, Harvey Weinstein and Sara Gilbert were waiting in the wings to witness the joyous event, Archerd reports. And SNL honcho Lorne Michaels has confirmed that, until five minutes before the hitching was to take place, the couple had planned to take their vows.

So what happened? Barrymore apparently got cold feet — and decided to delay their wedding until sometime this summer. An on-air ceremony, she concluded, would be “inappropriate.”

At least someone learned something from Darva and Rick.

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That was fast

Has Melanie Griffith kicked her addiction already?

The breathy actress posted the following note on her Web site on Friday, just a few days after she announced she’d checked herself in to “step down” from a dependence on painkillers:

11.17.00

Hello My Friends,

I am home with my family now, after what was a rough eight days! I will tell you my story in due time, but right now my family needs me, and I need them.

I wish you all the loveliest weekend and I will write more to you on Monday!

Sending trillions of kisses!

Melanie

As of Tuesday evening, Griffith had yet to post more. Maybe she was saving up kisses?

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Baste on a hunch

If turkey basters secretly make you giggle, you’re not the only one. They make Kyra Sedgwick giggle, too.

In the food-focused Thanksgiving film “What’s Cookin’,” Sedgwick and Julianna Margulies play lesbian lovers, who at one point share a special snicker while basting the butterball. And Sedgwick can’t figure out why the world isn’t laughing with them.

“You know, Julianna and I went to a few lesbian bars to do research,” Sedgwick tells Fashion Wire Daily, “and we weren’t even mentioned in the New York Post or the Daily News. It was upsetting.”

But the role had its rewards. “I have to admit it’s thrilling to kiss a woman,” the actress confesses. “Julianna in particular. But there’s some thread to it that makes it different. You sort of think to yourself, ‘Oh, it’s OK for me to enjoy this because it’s not a man,’ especially knowing inside that I’m married.”

Then again, she says, she doesn’t take that on-screen stuff too seriously. Asked what she thinks of her husband Kevin Bacon’s penchant for taking off his clothes in front of the camera, she replies, “Well, it’s not a big thing!’”

Ahem.

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Papa don’t preach

“I have nothing to say about the breakup at all. It’s a private thing … Whatever is going on between Julie and Melissa is going on with them.”

David Crosby, the biological father of Melissa Etheridge and Julie Cypher’s two children, on the couple’s recent split.

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Sayonara Spice?

Are the Spice Girls splitting up?

Don’t get too excited. It doesn’t look like it’s happening … yet.

Rumors of the band’s demise have been circulating for at least a week, since Mel C. suggested there may be no more Spice Girls tours — and the sluggish sales of their latest album haven’t helped. But the end-is-near whispers got a little more sibilant Monday, when Mel C. telegraphed her desire to ditch her Spicy friends in favor of her solo career on a British TV show.

“When I am with Spice, it’s like I have got a lot more to consider,” the singer formerly known as Sporty Spice told interviewer Frank Skinner. “You know we have a lot of very young fans and the other girls — I don’t want to upset them or say anything that could reflect on them. But know I just find it really hard to keep it all in, I really do.”

Then she used the L-word. “Actually, I have been luckier since I have left,” she said, rushing to clarify, “well, since I have been doing my own thing.”

The group’s spokesman denies Mel C.’s departure and says what the Girls want — what they really, really want — is to stay together.

Um … OK.

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And you thought the actor was bad

“Kevin’s so focused that if he wants it bad enough he could probably have it.”

– Backstreet Boy Brian Littrell on why he thinks his bandmate Kevin Richardson could be POTUS.

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Pass the gravy

Let us all give thanks for chatty actresses.

“I hated the food in my home country, the Netherlands,” former Bond girl Famke Janssen tells gossipist Baird Jones. “They overcook everything, all you get is overcooked, tough meat and overcooked, tasteless vegetables. So I hate to cook.”

And it’s not the food that’s got her excited about her adopted country’s harvest holiday. “For Thanksgiving, I really don’t care what I eat,” she says, “as long as my meat gets well massaged that day, if you know what I mean, baby!”

Well, at least she didn’t make a joke about stuffing …

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The naked and the dead

Kate Winslet gives necrophilia a whirl, big bum and all; Kate Moss gets robbed -- and sad. Plus: Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas push the tacky envelope, and Babs gets sued by an accused stalker.

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You think your job is hard? Kate Winslet had to dabble in necrophilia for her last gig.

I’m dead serious.

“And, well, that’s a hard type of scene to do,” Winslet says in this Sunday’s New York Times Magazine of her role in the film “Quills,” about the Marquis de Sade. “I mean, sex with a corpse — that’s a bit much. And then you add in that it’s a priest, having sex with a corpse, in a church. You couldn’t get more controversial if you tried.”

Did I mention that she is the naked corpse? “Lying on a slab with no clothes on was hard,” Winslet admits, “but the scene was not gratuitous.”

It’s a distinction she believes is essential, and one that helps her get over periodic concerns that “my bum is fat.”

“Everyone always asks me about nudity because I guess I’ve taken my clothes off in almost every movie I’ve done,” she says. “But in each case, the nudity has been there for a reason. Frankly, I hate every second. But I can’t stand seeing a film and thinking, Why is that woman having sex in all her clothes? She should be naked.”

Regardless of the size of her bum.

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Look who’s winning the push/pull

“These women that drive me crazy … drive me crazy because I can be having dinner in a fancy restaurant and all of a sudden she stands up in the middle of the table and she starts dancing. Who doesn’t like that?”

Ricky Martin on why he likes “dangerous women.”

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A British Kate who’s got it even harder

The latest skinny on Kate Moss? She wuz robbed.

The superslender supermodel’s London home was apparently broken into while she was on a two-week vacation in the States — and the burglars made off with about $500,000 worth of swag, according to the U.K. Sun. Among the items taken: a $30,000 necklace given to her by ex-boyfriend Johnny Depp.

“Even though she and Johnny broke up two years ago, the necklace was significant to her. It held a lot of emotional memories” as the “first gift” he gave her, a “friend” of the model told the Sun.

“Johnny was the first love of her life. She’s particularly upset at losing the necklace because of what it means to her,” said Moss’s chatty buddy. “It’s like losing a piece of herself.”

And you know, there’s not much of her to spare.

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Men are from Mars …

“[I would] never date a businessman. Put that in print. They’re civilians. I’m of the alien nation of actors. I am proud to be an alien, and I’m only really comfortable with fellow aliens.”

Glenn Close on why she only dates thespians, in the Calgary Sun.

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Oh … ick

Melanie’s rehab: the miniseries?

Melanie Griffith has begun posting a “recovery journal” on her cheesy Web site “because I wanted to share … my experiences” with “my friends.”

In her first post since checking in, Griffith writes, “I have been in recovery for one week. If you don’t know about it, I was and still am addicted to sleeping pills (barbiturates) and pain pills (opiates) … I am still a little shaky, but I feel it is important that I share this with you, because an addiction to prescribed pain pills can happen to anyone, and you have to be careful.”

Got that?

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Juicy bits

Has Bruce Willis’ interest in action films died hard? Well, he told a group of reporters this week, “I haven’t lost my passion for action films, I’m just bored with them. The genre has run itself into the ground. I’m waiting for the action movie to reinvent itself.” What, like as romantic comedy?

What is up with Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas and money? Last week, the buzz was that the couple had asked guests invited to their wedding on Saturday to hang onto those silver tea trays and crystal decanters and instead give them the gift of cold, hard cash — to be set aside in trust for their baby son, Dylan, of course. And now, the U.K. tabs are reporting that the green-grabbin’ lovebirds have signed a $1.5 million deal with OK! magazine, allowing them exclusive rights to the wedding pics — this after they auctioned off the rights to publish the first photos of little Dylan for a million clams. With a wedding this lucrative, they may want to make it an annual event.

Turns out what the Spice Girls want — what they really, really want — is their real names back. The artists formerly known as Baby Spice, Posh Spice, Scary Spice and Sporty Spice have made it clear to reporters that they should henceforth be referred to as Emma Bunton, Victoria Beckham, Melanie B. and Melanie C., respectively. OK, so they don’t want their entire names back.

Barbra Streisand, funny lady? Tabloid photographer Wendall Wall doesn’t think so. Wall is suing Streisand, James Brolin and the Malibu, Calif., sheriff’s department, claiming that after the couple accused him of stalking them back in January, he was arrested without probable cause and falsely imprisoned on $1 million bail. “This is a man who pursued us with his camera unrelentingly for years,” Streisand and Brolin said in a statement. “But, in fact, we never requested his incarceration.” That’s too bad, because I understand that people who need to incarcerate people are the luckiest people in the world.

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