Fighting words at MoveOn.org gathering in New York: Margaret Cho says she’s more afraid of the PATRIOT Act than of terrorists. Moby calls Bush a “big fat f—ing liar” and Chuck D says “we do not want eight years run by a Colon, a Bush and a Dick.” (Drudge)

Candidate Dean was a looker: In case you vote according to cuteness factor, some old shots of Howard in his hunky period might be of interest. (Gawker)

Is Bono obscene or not? FCC Chairman Michael Powell is trying to get his colleagues to overturn a decision they made in October that U2′s Bono was not being obscene when he uttered the F-word as an adjective on TV during last year’s Golden Globes (as in “F—ing brilliant”). Good use of the public’s time and money, Michael. Maybe you should work on the really obscene stuff on the air, like “Survivor.” (AP via NY Post)

Money Quote: Kirby Behre, a former federal prosecutor in Washington, on the Andrew Fastow case (the former Enron executive who is accused of pocketing about $45 million in ways that weren’t cool): “What drives sentencing is predominantly the amount of the fraud.” (AP)

–Karen Croft

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As we watch those poor shlubs on “The Apprentice” jockey for crumbs of love from The Donald (the second episode of the show airs Thursday on NBC), we at the Fix thought it might be good to keep in mind a few classic Trumpisms. Call this collection of memorable Trump quotes a primer for would-be Donalds:

“You can’t be too greedy.”

“As long as you’re going to think anyway, think big.”

“Everything in life is luck.”

“A little hyperbole never hurts.”

“Making choices is a lot easier when you have to answer only to yourself.”

“To be in a right place at a right time is NOT ALL! You have to be able to REALIZE THAT while you are still there, and to act upon it IMMEDIATELY.”

“The dollar always talks in the end.”

“A little more moderation would be good. Of course, my life hasn’t exactly been one of moderation.”

“The first thing the secretary types is the boss.” (Ba-dum-bump … tch)

“A friend called me up the other day and talked about investing in a dot-com that sells lobsters. Internet lobsters. Where will this end? The next day he sent me a huge package of lobsters on ice. How low can you stoop?”

“The 1990s sure aren’t like the 1980s.”

“I try to learn from the past, but I plan for the future by focusing exclusively on the present. That’s where the fun is.”

“In the end, you’re measured not by how much you undertake but by what you finally accomplish.”

“Sometimes your best investments are the ones you don’t make.”

And, our personal favorite: “Do you mind if I sit back a little? Because your breath is very bad.” — Trump to Larry King on his talk show, back in 1989

Morning Briefing:

Adieu, “Taboo”: “Taboo,” the Boy George musical funded — and tirelessly promoted — by Rosie O’Donnell, is set to close on Feb. 8. Says O’Donnell, who lost $10 million on the project, “‘Taboo’ was by far the most fulfilling experience of my career.”

Cursing the Kennedys? Bidding war rages over rights to publish new tell-all by Michael Bergin, who dated Carolyn Bessette before she married JFK Jr. (N.Y. Post)

Ben there, done that? Puffy/P.Diddy and J.Lo set tongues wagging by partying together — dancing and toasting each other — until the wee hours at a Miami club while Ben Affleck looks lonely in Europe. (N.Y. Daily News)

Just promised: Brittany Murphy gets engaged to her talent manager. (Associated Press)

Jimmy love: Former President Carter throws his support, but not his official endorsement, in Howard Dean’s direction. (Reuters)

Money Quote: Al Franken announcing his upcoming radio talk show, which will launch with the new liberal talk radio network Progress Media: “My first priority is to get sued by a right-wing jerk in order to generate interest in my new show, the OFranken Factor. Our hope is to do drug-free talk radio, although I understand its never been done.” (Drudge)

–Amy Reiter

With reporting by Christopher Farah

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If Bono isn’t singing at the Super Bowl, he has plenty of other things to do: Not that he should give up his other jobs (rock star, AIDS activist, generally trying to make the world a better place), but he’s also an artist. A set of lithographs by Mr. Hewson is going on sale at the London Art Fair to benefit the Irish Hospice Foundation, which took good care of Bono’s dad until his death three years ago. (Guardian)

Does Renée think she’s British?: Actress Renée Zellweger applied an English accent like lipstick for her roles in the two Bridget Jones flicks (the second of which is yet to be released). But now she thinks she can date a royal — joking to a British paper that she hoped someone could get her a date with Prince William. She was also quoted saying she was going to call her “mum” about it, which proves she’s gone over to the other side of the pond. (Ananova)

Pirated “screener” hits the Internet: Maybe it was the Diane Keaton nude scene that did it, but a copy of “Something’s Gotta Give” that was sent out to an academy member made its way online today and you could hear hairpieces being torn off heads all over Hollywood. (Reuters)

Bertolucci playing with fire?: Releasing a movie with an NC-17 rating is usually the kiss of death at the box office, but the man who made “Last Tango in Paris” has made a film, “The Dreamers,” that Fox Searchlight is planning to release in an uncut version with (possibly) just such a kiss. Said director Bernardo Bertolucci in what has to be this afternoon’s Money Quote: “I’m relieved … that the distributor has had the vision to release my original film. After all, an orgasm is better than a bomb.” (Hollywood Reporter)

–K.C.

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Baby Boom

With Kate Hudson and Gwyneth Paltrow, Courteney Cox and Debra Messing, Leah Rimini and Geena Davis, Dixie Chick Martie Maguire and “Curb Your Enthusiasm” star Cheryl Hines all — with the exception of brand-new mom Hudson — pregnant, 2004 is shaping up to be the Year of the Baby. Not that 2003 was any slouch on that front, thanks to new fathers like David Letterman, Conan O’Brien, Russell Crowe and (yikes!) Colin Farrell.

All this productivity got us thinking about baby names. Celebrities, we can’t help but note, have a penchant for picking some doozies. As Frank Zappa, infamous father of sons Dweezil and Ahmet Emuukha Rodan (whose middle name comes from Godzilla’s winged nemesis) and daughters Moon Unit and Diva, once said of Dweezil, “It could have been worse. I might have called him Ralph.”

So Gwyneth and Chris, if you need any ideas, here are a few lovely monikers your colleagues have foisted on their offspring:

Bono: Memphis Eve and Elijah Bob Patricius Guggi Q

Dave “The Edge” Evan: Blue Angel

John Mellencamp: Speck Wildhorse (and you thought that whole Cougar thing was bad)

Sylvester Stallone: Sage Moon Blood

Bob Geldof and the late Paula Yates: Fifi Trixibelle, Peaches Honeyblossom, Little Pixie (Yates’ daughter with the also-late Michael Hutchence is named Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily)

John Travolta (an avid pilot): Jett

Michael Jackson: Prince Michael, Paris Michael and Prince Michael II (aka Blanket — and, around here, “The Danglee”)

Liam Gallagher and Patsy Kensit: Lennon (yes, named after John)

James Brown: Yamma (a boy) and Venisha (a girl)

George Foreman (who claims to have trouble remembering his children’s names): George Jr., George III, George IV, George V, Michi, Freeda George, Georgetta, Natalie, Leola and George VI

John Tesh and Connie Sellecca: Prima Sellechia (the hazards of the firstborn, I guess)

Scary Spice Mel Brown: Phoenix Chi

Posh Spice Victoria Adams and David Beckham: Brooklyn (who, as you all know, was conceived there) and Romeo

Mia Farrow: Lark Song and Summer Song (to name just two)

Marisa Berenson: Starlite Melody

Simon LeBon: Saffron Sahara (sister to Amber Rose and Tallulah Pine, who I’m sure are just wild about her)

Basketball player Kenny Anderson and Tami of MTV’s “Real World”: Lyric Chanel and her sister Kenni Lauren

Don’t worry, kids. You can always redub yourselves later in life, as Keith Richard’s daughter Dandelion (now known as Angela) and David Bowie’s son Zowie (now Joey) have done. Bowie, by the way, learned his lesson. He and Iman gave their daughter the perfectly lovely name Alexandria Zahra Jones.

Morning Briefing:

Guilty as charged? Diana Ross has agreed to accept a plea bargain, revoking her “not guilty” plea so as to avoid a trial in connection with charges of drunken driving brought against her in Arizona. (Reuters)

Moore’s with Madonna: Michael Moore, said to be endorsing Wesley Clark for president, says: “He’s an honest and decent man. I would like to see the general debate the deserter.” (Drudge)

He feels pretty alarmed: Arthur Laurents isn’t particularly pleased to hear his musical “West Side Story” labeled a gay icon, but “Queer Street” author James McCourt says, “The queer mind sees it as ‘I love Tony.’” (N.Y. Post)

Lost: Last seen by his family at Christmas, actor/writer Spalding Gray, who has been depressed and tried to commit suicide in 2002, has been reported missing. (Associated Press)

Money Quote:

Writer Christopher Lloyd on his long-running sitcom “Frasier,” which will end in May: “We showed, at a time when television was clearly starting on its downward path toward mediocrity, that you can still tell intelligent stories.” (Associated Press)

–A.R., with additional reporting by Christopher Farah

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What is this obsession with celebrity we Americans have? A USA Today story quotes many of the famous about fame and what it does to them. Donald Trump says he can’t go out alone anymore because people touch him thinking “luck will rub off and they’ll make a lot of money.” Poor Pamela Anderson has a problem with her grammy: “My poor grandmother believes everything she reads about me,” says Anderson. Noting that one tabloid had a story about Pammy gorging on a Queen Mary ocean-liner buffet, she says, “I can’t convince her that I didn’t eat at a buffet — nor had I been to the Queen Mary.” The celebrity shrink has it figured out. Dr. Joyce Brothers says our fascination with famous people is an indication our basic needs are taken care of, “So we have time to fritter away on less important things.” What could be more important than Pam Anderson’s eating habits? (USA Today)

But how can we help ourselves when even the news organizations are driven by celebrity publicity engines? Barbara Walters and ABC News have declared the most fascinating people of 2003 to be retired Army Gen. Tommy Franks, The Fab Five from “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy,” Beyoncé Knowles, Martha Stewart, Siegfried Fischbacher, Nicole Kidman, Hillary Clinton, Arnold Schwarzenegger, LeBron James and “Bennifer”. Now if Babs could get them all together to cook and redecorate a house it would be the hottest reality show of all. (ABC News)

This just in: Janet Jackson is scheduled to perform at this year’s Super Bowl halftime show, Feb. 1 in Houston. The show will be produced by MTV and sponsored by AOL. And what wasn’t in the AP story is that the lineup may be changed depending on whether Janet’s surreal sibling is considered bad for business. (AP via ABC News)

Far more shocking than the fact that Michael Jackson has been charged by the Santa Barbara County district attorney’s office with seven counts of child molestation and two counts of administering an intoxicating agent to a minor? The small print on the bottom of the D.A.’s criminal complaint, which notes that “Michael Joe Jackson” is 5-foot-11 — and weighs a mere 120 lbs. (Note: It also lists his race as “Blk” and his sex as “M.”) As Jackson’s brother Jermaine told Barbara Walters in an interview set to air on ABC this evening, “I mean, you can blow at him and break him.”

Incidentally, various rumors about Jackson are proving to be equally fragile. The pop star’s flack, Stuart Backerman, says that yesterday’s reports that his client, a longtime Jehovah’s Witness, had become a follower of the Nation of Islam are “not true.” The same can apparently be said of that talk that Johnnie Cochran was set to take over Michael’s case from lawyer Mark Geragos. (N.Y. Daily News)

Money Quote
Nothing like a rush of pleasure in the morning: Jack Black on being awoken with the news of his Golden Globe nomination for best comic actor: “At first I was a little disoriented but then I got a rush of pleasure to my brain stem, and when I was told who else got nominated [Johnny Depp, Bill Murray, Jack Nicholson and Billy Bob Thornton] it really got surreal … Now you can’t hang out with me, I’m just so huge.” (Page Six)

Best of the Rest
Page Six: Charlize Theron escorted out of premiere party for her new film, “Monster,” after member of her entourage gets into brawl with female paparazzo; former GQ publisher Ron Galotti confesses to walking backward through Central Park at insistence of 4-year-old daughter; Michael Douglas’ ex-wife Diandra Douglas and her fiancé are expecting twins carried by a surrogate mother; Donald Trump, Sean “Puffy/P.Diddy” Combs and their model girlfriends weigh cooperation in Harper’s Bazaar photo spread requiring them to swap partners for a day.

Rush and Molloy: Tara Reid and Cindy Margolis get into hair-pulling, fist-throwing, ass-kicking brawl over Margolis’ husband (Reid’s ex-beau), Guy Starkman, in Atlantic City bar; Oprah told Time writer that Letterman was “brilliant” in section of interview that got cut from mag; Time Warner rep insists Steve Case wasn’t dissed at TNT’s “Christmas in Washington”; Ben Affleck screening his new film, “Paycheck,” to soldiers in the Persian Gulf; Gerald Posner says he’s “furious at the government” for not releasing JFK-assassination-related files; John Cullum said to have ripped into Neil Simon and director Lynne Meadow at rehearsal of Simon’s new play, “Rose’s Dilemma,” which Mary Tyler Moore, who was to star, recently ditched; Kate Moss steps out with Liv Tyler and Stella McCartney; Cynthia Nixon shops for charity.

–Amy Reiter

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Nicole Kidman got to say something to Diane Sawyer that many people probably have wanted to say. It came during one of those touchy-feely interviews Diane does in her attempt to push Barbara Walters off her throne as interview queen. When Di asked Nic about her relationship with Lenny Kravitz Kidman said “I don’t mean to be impolite.” Sawyer said “Go for it” so Nicole let ‘er rip, saying “Oh, all right. Shove off!” (ABC News)

Since we’re on the subject of Diane, her interview with President George W. Bush right after the capture of Saddam Hussein was out-watched by about a million viewers who decided it was more important (or perhaps less grueling) to watch Fox’s reality series “The Simple Life” starring Paris Hilton. But wasn’t it just a choice between different forms of the same thing? To paraphrase former Texas Governor Ann Richards, they were both born on third and think they hit a triple. (Washington Post)

“Lord of the Rings” star Orlando Bloom says “Basically, I’m acting because of the women. I don’t care much about the money. Frankly, if I get the chance to kiss someone in a film, they wouldn’t need to pay me at all.” And if he’s got points in the trilogy the 26-year-old heartthrob can really hold to that promise. (Ananova)

I never thought there would be reason to put the honorable Madeleine Albright in a Fix column, but today she makes it in with the likes of Paris and Orlando. Seems she was in make-up at the Fox News studios, getting ready to go on air and she said to Morton Kondracke, “Do you suppose that the Bush administration has Osama bin Laden hidden away somewhere and will bring him out before the election?” Morton says he took it as a serious comment.

When asked about it, Albright said “Last night, in the makeup room at Fox News I made a tongue-in-cheek comment to Mort Kondracke concerning Osama bin Laden. To my amazement, Mr. Kondracke immediately went on the air to repeat this comment, which was made to a person I thought was a friend and smart enough to know the difference between a serious statement and one that was not.” She added, “My only regret is that the powder puffs were on Mort’s face and not in his ears.” (Washington Times)

Michael Jackson has transformed himself again — and this time it has nothing to do with his face. Jackson — against whom child molestation charges are expected to be filed today — converted to the Nation of Islam last night, according to the New York Post. Yesterday, Fox News Online reported that Jackson’s brother Jermaine, a longtime member of the NOI community, worked hard to bring Michael into the fold and even arranged to have Louis Farrakhan’s chief of staff, Leonard F. Muhammad, step in as Michael’s bodyguard. Will the conversion stick? Who nose?

In other news … Sean “Puffy/P.Diddy” Combs may not know much about a dream deferred, but that’s not stopping the producers of the upcoming Broadway revival of Lorraine Hansbury’s “A Raisin in the Sun” from casting him in a lead role. “We were all incredibly impressed” with his audition, producer David Binder told the Associated Press. “He’s focused on the work.”

Money Quote
Is that a Gwyneth dis? Ben Affleck weighing past relationships of the Paltrow and Puffy persuasion: “We’re much more similar, including our upbringing, than people imagine … If you juxtapose our relationship to the ones we had earlier, you’d see that I was really much more different from Gwyneth, this blond, upper-class, private-school girl from the Upper East Side, and Jen from Puffy, who was this Horatio Alger kind of black guy who raised himself up the way he did.” (N.Y. Daily News)

Best of the Rest
Page Six: Hollywood types speculating about real-life inspiration behind Tinseltown characters in Peter Bart’s new short story collection; celeb lawyer Mark Geragos declines to list Winona Ryder among his clients on his Christmas party invite this year; Jessica Simpson accuses Rolling Stone writer of “stabbing” her “in the back” in profile, fumes, “She also said my house was puny … My house isn’t puny!”; Tara Reid parties a little too hard, stumbles at Atlantic City club; talk at “Cold Mountain” premiere was about Nicole Kidman’s too-perfect makeup and coiffure; Jack White and former protigi Jason Stollsteimer get in rollicking bar brawl with each other in Detroit, file police complaints against each other.

Rush and Molloy: Widow and children fight over estate of late financier and horse breeder Henry de Kiatkowski’s estate; Bobby Brown sued for child support nonpayment by mother of his two children; Brad Pitt turns 40 today, poses for sexy photo spread for Italian fashion mag; wives of Spike Lee and Greg Anthony write novel billed as a “peek into the world of super-rich, super-connected African-Americans”; Dr. Hunter S. Thompson slips on bathroom floor in Hawaii, breaks leg; Neil Bush proposes to girlfriend Maria Andrews; Busta Rhymes taunts man in wheelchair for not standing up at concert, apologizes; former “Different World” star Darryl M. Bell denies that he’s dead; James Gandolfini’s ex-wife, Marci, loses 40 pounds and makes herself over.

–Amy Reiter

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I’ve never quoted Peggy Noonan about anything, because then I have the sound of her voice in my head all day. But you can’t ignore her when she quotes the pope on a Mel Gibson movie. Seems Pope John Paul II knows how to run a DVD machine (or at least his pals do) and he watched “The Passion” the other day. No doubt emulating Gene Shalit‘s way with brevity and wit, the holy father gave this five-word review: “It is as it was.” Think that’ll be the end of the controversy? Not a chance in hell. (Wall St. Journal)

It’s all over. President Bush can give up now. Madonna has thrown in with presidential candidate Wesley Clark, and we know how strong her marketing abilities are. After meeting with Clark for an hour a few weeks ago Madonna said, “I think he has a good handle on foreign policy, I think he’s good with people, and I think he has a heart and a consciousness. He’s interested in spirituality — I mean, those things mean a lot to me.” Don’t be surprised if you see the general in a pair of Gap jeans alongside the material spiritual girl in an ad campaign to rock the vote. It could work … (CNN)

Speaking of marketing geniuses, it’s good to know David Bowie still has it. Reports on his Madison Square Garden show were raves. David got up off his sickbed, shook the flu and delivered what the Hollywood Reporter called “a transcendent performance.”

Don’t get Julia Roberts mad. When someone mentioned that her new movie, “Mona Lisa Smile” (about a gaggle of girls at Wellesley in the 1950s), was being called “Dead Housewives’ Society,” the famous smile disappeared. “I don’t think we made a chick flick. We just made a movie,” said Roberts. Can’t feel too sorry for the gal. At $20 million a chick flick, she should let people call it whatever they want. (Reuters)

Lord of the urinals? Does Elijah Wood have a bladder obsession, or what? First the 22-year-old “Lord of the Rings” star issues the following warning to the audience at this week’s “Return of the King” premiere: “Don’t forget to pee!” Then he follows that fine piece of advice (the movie is three hours long) by confirming to the New York Times that he and his fellow hobbit Dominic Monaghan relieved themselves on “Rings” director Peter Jackson’s favorite statue after a night out drinking during filming. “There was a little urination in one of the local fountains and a drunken evening with the hobbits,” admitted Wood. “Nobody saw us doing it. We later did tell Peter. It got to Peter eventually and he was a little upset, sort of sad. He was a little sad, but he took it well.” Could that “9″ Wood and eight of his costars got tattooed on their bodies actually be a backward … P?

Money Quotes
Looney Toon law?: Jackson family attorney Brian Oxman on the Santa Barbara County D.A.’s decision to hire a P.R. firm to handle media inquiries about the Michael Jackson child molestation charges: “First we had a press conference where the DA told jokes, and now we have a PR firm the DA has hired that also represents the Cartoon Network.” (Associated Press)

Half-nip: Helen Mirren on the nudity in her new film about a group of old British gals who bare all, “Calendar Girls”: “There was a whole discussion with the director over how many nipples were allowed to be shown. It came down to 3.5, or something like that.” (USA Today)

Best of the Rest
Page Six: Hilary Duff tries to get teen-star rival Lindsay Lohan tossed out of L.A. premiere party, insists she didn’t steal Lohan’s man; MTV draws PETA fire for showing Hugh Hefner’s girlfriend Tiffany cuddling teeny, 2-week-old monkey and force-feeding him a grape; Howard Dean denies wearing tie emblazoned with crests of exclusive club; Paula Poundstone feels Michael Jackson’s pain, says, “I don’t find pleasure in someone else’s demise. It may be a newfound position. I hope I wasn’t too mean before, but I’m not going to carry the torch up the hill going after the Frankenstein monster. It’s yucky.”

Rush and Molloy: Meryl Streep, the Hansons, Cyndi Lauper, Sophie Dahl, Ethan Hawke, Billy Boyd, Dominic Monaghan, Elijah Wood and N.Y. Gov. Pataki among those who show up at “Return of the King” premiere, but Viggo Mortensen nowhere in sight; Ben Affleck says he and Jennifer Lopez are “taking it one day at a time,” offers advice on how to deal with Saddam Hussein (“‘It’s a great opportunity for’ President Bush, the ardent Democrat acknowledged. ‘If he capitalizes on it correctly, he could hang on to the office. If he were smart, he would declare victory right now and bring home the soldiers.’); Lenny Kravitz steps out without Nicole Kidman, while Sean “Puffy/P. Diddy” Combs spins records in support of Michael Jackson; Lauryn Hill denies she was rude during Vatican visit, asks, “Is telling the truth bad manners?”; Heidi Klum says gender of the child she’s expecting “doesn’t matter as long as it’s healthy”; Wynonna Judd loses driver’s license for one year after pleading guilty to drunken-driving charges.

–Amy Reiter

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