Wajahat Ali

Now, I don’t begrudge my parents their position toward turkey. It’s a confounding bird for most immigrants, who are generally more comfortable with the bleats of a goat or a lamb, the squawks of the simple-minded chicken. The turkey was an enigma: a heavy, feathered bird with its “gobbledygook” mutterings, freakish red wattle and vast supply of dry, juiceless meat.

“Do the Amreekans realize it is dry?” ask my still perplexed relatives living in Pakistan. “Where is the masala? The taste? The juices? Why do they eat this bird?”

Besides, most first-generation immigrants in America retain the romantic, deluded concept that “We will eventually go back home to the Motherland.” They will never be “Amreekan.”

Of course, they never do go back and instead firmly plant their familial, cultural, economic, religious and political roots in this foreign yet welcoming “Amreekan” soil. They have second-generation kids — yours truly — who are as “Amreekan” as apple pie, burritos and biryani.

And so Thanksgiving traditions began to leak into our old-school immigrant mentality. I watched the annual Macy’s parade, hoping to see a Spider-Man float. I played Super Mario on my Nintendo and looked forward to spending the evening with Snoopy, Linus, Charlie Brown and the gang, all the while eating a traditional Pakistani dinner. No turkey — yet.

The ’90s: Introducing the Thanksgiving Chicken

In my teen years, I discovered hair in new places and found the courage to demand authentic “Amreekan” requests from my parents.

“Give me turkey, woman!” I once commanded my mother for the upcoming Thanksgiving festivities.

“Here’s some money. You buy it and make it yourself if you like it so much,” she replied.

Foiled again. She knew my inherent culinary uselessness and overall laziness far too well. Well played, Mother. Well played.

During this decade of grunge and Bill Clinton, the immigrant generation in our family gradually replaced the “We will go back to the motherland” mantra with disillusioned rants about how “The motherland is going to hell” after they returned from visiting.

American pop culture effortlessly coexisted within the confines of our Pakistani-American home. Visiting from college one day, I descended the stairs to Nusrat belting out a qawwali in Punjabi. Moments later my father changed the track to Jimi Hendrix’s “Purple Haze.” He was in the kitchen rubbing traditional South Asian spices into pieces of steak he would later cook on his brand-new George Foreman grill.

My mother relented to my requests and made a meal on Thanksgiving. Instead of cooking a turkey, though, she insisted on roasting two whole chickens.

“What’s the point of having a chicken on Thanksgiving of all days?” I asked. “It’s like passing out omelets to kids on Easter instead of colored eggs.”

“I like chickens. I can cook a chicken. Chickens are tasty,” my mother replied. “I’m not wasting my time cooking a dry bird.”

She ruled the kitchen with an Iron Ladle.

But the consumption of “some form of a bird” on Thanksgiving was remarkable progress toward fully celebrating this Amreekan holiday. Furthermore, the religious clergy in our communities realized the obvious: Thanksgiving dinner is actually harmonious with Muslim values. After all, aren’t we reconciling with our family and communities and being thankful and grateful for all of our blessings? Isn’t that what Muslims are supposed to do on a daily basis?

Score one for theology in supporting rational arguments to consume dead birds.

That night, we ate two fully roasted whole chickens (quite tasty), and my mother also made basmati rice, daal (lentls), chicken khorma (curry) and kheema (South Asian ground beef.)

It wasn’t perfect — but it was a start.

The new century: Let there be turkey

The 21st century opened the culinary floodgates. It was a brave new world. Turkeys were unleashed to South Asian and Muslim American homes on Thanksgiving with wild abandon. No American holiday would be left unattended and no holiday sale would be forsaken by the immigrant communities! The musings of “going back to the motherland” have now transformed into semi-annual visits to see relatives and nothing more.

Even Muslim butchers are readily selling Halal turkeys in their local community shops. (Halal meat refers to animals slaughtered according to Islamic custom similar to Kosher slaughtering practices for Jews).

2002 was the “Great Turkey Explosion,” when Chandni, the neighborhood South Asian restaurant/wedding reception hall/religious ceremony hall/miscellaneous space used for all celebrations, started offering an “authentic Thanksgiving buffet” for $11 on Nov. 24-25. I had heard rumors of this awesomeness, but I had to drive there and witness morsels of turkey flesh swimming in a broth of fat and oil to believe it myself. And, lo and behold, in front of the South Asian buffet table — which featured lamb karahi, chicken tikka masala, and saag ghosht (spinach with meat) — there was “Thanksgiving” buffet table with turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes and bread rolls.

In our home, my father made the official decree that the Ali family would now and forever more eat turkey on Thanksgivings – provided he could successfully cook it, which meant “Not cooking it like the Amreekans who always make it too dry.” He felt ambitious in his old age and wanted to test his expanding baking skills by finally tackling the Gobbling-Goliath.

His initial attempt in 2003 was conservative, baking the turkey over several hours as per custom. There was also corn. The mother made some chicken khorma as emergency along with Basmati rice. Some cans of mango and lime pickle achar (relish) were opened just in case. The turkey was both edible and tasty. The family had successfully conquered the mythical bird and stuffed it with so much masala juice it developed a South Asian accent, bhangra dance moves, good credit and IT tech support skills.

A few years later, the family decided to up the ante and “brine” the turkey after some intense Googling sessions researching “Best Way to Cook + Turkey.” This time, we added gravy, mashed potatoes and soft rolls to the menu, along with corn.

Some Thanksgiving staples, however, remained foreign. Yams could only be justified if it was added with meat to a curry. Pumpkins were still regarded as an “exotic vegetable” only to be seen and carved on Halloween. Cranberry sauce was something you drank out of a bottle as a juice concentrate and never ate on the side. “Stuffing” was still only understood as a verb and not an edible noun.

Fast-forward a few years to 2011, and lo and behold, our turkeys have been successfully baked, roasted, brined, deep fried — and thoroughly enjoyed. The annual turkey now sits on a large dining table next to homemade sweet yams, mashed potatoes and gravy, corn bread, rolls, corn on the cob, and store-bought pumpkin pie and cranberry sauce. And yes, there is always a South Asian curry dish just in case.

We also wash down the gluttony with the American Muslim version of Cristal: Martinelli’s Apple Cider.

But this isn’t just a story about how we integrated a strange-looking bird into our dinners. It’s how my American Muslim Pakistani family integrated into the American cultural fabric. It’s the same messy, colorful but inevitable way immigrants all over enter the American narrative, bringing their own flavors to collide, merge and spill outside the pot.

It’s as Amreekan as turkey and chicken khorma.

Each time I have to pray and am unable to find a secluded spot, I would love for a magic Muslim portal to open and take me away to a fantastic Greyskull castle. Here, I could pray in solitude, shielded from the curious eyes of fascinated and horrified observers and ride on an armored tiger named Battle Cat while drinking mango lassi from a diamond-encrusted goblet.

Unfortunately, I live in reality.

Instead, I discover I have 15 minutes left to pray the afternoon Asr prayer and I’m stuck in a crowded, Valley Fair mall in San Jose, Calif. Realizing that I’d probably be tazed and shot by Homeland Security if I decided to bust out my Arabic tai chi at the Orange Julius, I seek temporary refuge for my prayer woes in the most obvious location: the fitting room at the Gap.

I enter the clothing metropolis in a frantic state and pretend to peruse the fine clothing merchandise. I randomly pick up some accessories and head toward the fitting room stalls only to realize that I am holding skinny female jeans and a Size 2, purple dress. I hastily dump the incorrect clothing on a wooden bench — making sure no one saw me — and run to the men’s section. I decide to play “pretend” and pick up hip, expensive clothing I’d probably never wear in real life and lug the stylish suit, jacket and jeans to the fitting room.

After waiting five minutes due to the long line, the ridiculously good-looking female employee directs me to a fitting stall. I cannot bring myself to make eye contact with her lest I confess my ruse. I rush into the stall and hang the clothes on the wall and devise a complex and sophisticated strategy to secretly pray while “pretending” to try on hip, urban garments. I make sure to create as much noise as possible when changing my pants from the brown, Docker, uncle khakis to the hipster jeans so they don’t suspect my celestial intentions.

I leave the rumbled pants on the floor, along with my shoes and my outer shirt, as visible signs of evidence that I am indeed using this fitting room for normal fitting room purposes.

Now, all I have to figure out is which way is Northeast, because Muslims pray toward Mecca, and this event occurred BIP — before iPhone. I basically do an “eeny-meeny-miney-mo” with the four corners and go with my “gut,” and decided “Mecca” was probably somewhere in the corner nearest to the stall door.

All is well until the prostration, where Muslims have to touch their forehead and nose to the ground. As I’m about to go to the floor, I was overwhelmed with a sense of comfort — I honestly thought I had created a successful camouflage using limited means with limited time. I felt proud and complimented myself on being a pretty dope, on-the-fly, Pakistani, Muslim American James Bond.

My head and knees are now on the floor next to the gap in the door, and everything is going smoothly. I glance to my left and the Gap employee, having bent down, is now staring at me and asking, “Sir, is everything all right?”

F my life.

I quickly finish my prayer, mumble, “Everything is fine! Just fine!” I change my clothes and exit the door to find two Gap employees and a several customers staring at me with concern and confusion in their eyes.

“Just, uh, was praying, yeah, uh, Muslim. We, uh, five times … a day … needed space. Used the stall. Not having a heart attack. Don’t worry. Just thought — yeah, OK! Thanks!”

And I peace out like Flash, running for the exit door and deliberately trying to get lost in the crowd and become a brown blurry dot so as to outwit the imagined Gap security chasing after me.

Other classic awkward moments include the following memorable gems:

• The San Francisco Abercrombie and Fitch fitting room where the ridiculously good-looking female employee again asked me, “Are you OK?”

• The Century 21 Winchester movie theater parking lot, where hundreds of movie patrons exited the packed screening of “Mission Impossible 2″ only to find three brown men praying outside the exit door, next to the garbage cans. (Thank you, Adil, for that brilliant idea.)

• The allegedly dark, closed-off corner in AMC Metreon in San Francisco while waiting in a crowded line to see “The Lord of the Rings” — the corner was neither dark nor closed-off, and you can imagine the rest.

• Praying as a group along with several brown friends during the seventh inning of an Oakland A’s baseball game in between a closed-off escalator and a hot dog stand, and protected by an African-American park employee who said, “You all go ahead and pray. I was married to a Muslim man … once.”

• And, finally, my favorite was our extremely well planned and brilliantly executed two-minute prayer drill while visiting Alcatraz prison. We found a hidden room with antiques and I was the initial watchman, standing outside the door, vigilantly keeping an eye out for the tour group that was hovering around the corner about to bust in on our private prayer session.

In the years since these colorful incidents, some confused and ignorant Americans have begun protesting the construction of mosques in America, citing their presence as fundamentally alien to American values and proof of a Muslim takeover. Along the way, these misguided individuals seem to have forgotten the First Amendment and cultural values celebrating diversity and freedom of religion. Preventing the construction of mosques (like the recent controversy in California) will have no effect on stealth jihadists. However, it will unleash a far greater problem for America: a horde of Muslim Americans awkwardly praying in public.

The Jews and Muslims apparently can’t find peace in the Middle East, but they sure can join forces to declare war on Christmas and blow up our Christmas trees! And who can blame them? They’re simply taking the cue from President Obama’s government.

Well, today, “The O’Reilly Factor” has received an Iranian nuclear bomb of an exclusive. Government documents containing confidential, top-secret information obtained by a patriotic whistle-blower have been leaked.

These Weakileaks conclusively prove a long-term, strategic agenda organized by President Obama, socialists, Muslims, secularists, atheists, liberals, gays and Jews to effectively annihilate all vestiges of traditional Christmas images, icons, themes and messages from America. Respectable news outlets, such as Atlas Shrugged and WorldNetDaily, are joining FoxNews.com in publishing these leaks.

Below find some of the highlights on how they seek to destroy “Christmas”:

The War on American Culture

• will.i.am is currently in the studios remixing Bing Crosby’s “White Christmas” and renaming it “Biracial, Multicultural Holidays.” An a cappella version will be released by Yusuf Islam.

• The ACLU is actively lobbying Congress to criminalize public displays of “The Nativity Scene” that exclusively portray the birth of Jesus. Christian religious scenes will only be allowed if they are accompanied with the following exhibits: a wax figure of Charlton Heston playing either “abandoned baby Moses in a basket” or “angry Moses parting the Red Sea”; a wax figure of Keanu Reeves as Buddha receiving enlightenment under the Fig Tree; a censored drawing of the Prophet Muhammad receiving revelation; a statue of Vishnu or Ganesh adorned with garlands; Xenu’s spaceship.

• An Arabian Palm Tree will be the official White House Christmas tree for the Obamas.

• By 2012, “Christmas Trees” all around America shall be officially renamed “Miscegenation Trees,” and evergreens will be replaced by a new hybrid of olive and date trees.

• “Gingerbread Men” shall be renamed “Gingerbread People” in order to emasculate white, heterosexual men and promote a gender-neutral, androgynous society.

• The “Gingerbread People” shall be adorned with rainbow frosting and tight biker shorts.

The War on the American Economy

• With the U.S. economy effectively doomed by 2013, “Christmas Eve” will be renamed “Lower Your Expectations and Learn to Deal — Eve.”

• In 2014, “Black Friday” will be rebranded a national holiday celebrating revolutionary African-American activists and protest movements. Jheri curls and Afro wigs will be deeply discounted on that day only.

• As a result of planned Affirmative Action initiatives, malls can no longer employ white men to play Santa. Instead, only dark-skinned men will be hired to play Santa.

• Obama will eventually socialize Christmas to ensure every child, regardless of wealth or privilege, receives at least one government-subsidized toy, thereby increasing government taxes and spending and further crippling the economy — as per his primary mission directive.

• Dora the Explorer will be renamed Dora the Red Army Explorer; Thomas the Train shall be repackaged with Chairman Mao’s face and renamed “Mao’s Peoples’ Train”; a plastic, movable head of Kim Jong Il will be attached to existing “Ken” dolls, effectively renaming “Ken and Barbie’s Playhouse” to “Kim Jong Il and Random White Woman’s Communist Republic.”

The War on the American Media

• “The Jews” will officially announce that they in fact actually do own Hollywood and the media. They will remove all traces of “Miracle on 34th Street” from television broadcasts and brazenly replace it with “The Chosen” starring Robby Benson.

• NPR will lead a smear campaign to destroy all “Christian artists” or musicians that popularize traditional Christmas songs, such as Mannheim Steamroller and Amy Grant, by labeling them “unprofessional.”

• The gays will rewrite the narrative of the North Pole elves as being a colorful and quirky community of out gay men. The novel and subsequent musical will be titled “Santa’s Little Helpers.”

• The socialists will write the sequel in which the gay elves decide to protest the North Pole’s oppressive working conditions. They successfully form an effective labor union to collectively bargain for fair wages and equal rights. The sequel is titled “Hammer, Sickle and Dimed.”

The War on American Children

• With the help of cartoons, movies, books and Internet sites, there will be an aggressive character assassination of Santa Claus so children can have an easy scapegoat instead of the U.S. government when their parents are unable to explain to them why they couldn’t afford Christmas toys.

• In addition to implementing draconian working conditions for his homosexual elven helpers, Santa Claus will be shown as a notorious adulterer and sex-a-holic with a weakness for cheap, trashy blond girls.

• Ms. Claus will subsequently divorce him and find solace in the arms of a bisexual Tinkerbell, who will allow her to finally discover her repressed lesbian identity. Ms. Claus will have plastic surgery to get Angelina Jolie lips and smooth out her wrinkles and saggy neck. She will star in her own reality TV show, “The Real Lesbian Housewives of Never-Never Land,” and eventually become notorious, world-famous and wealthy with the help of a leaked online porn video co-starring Prince Charming.

• In order to desensitize children to the increasing reality of foreclosures, holiday books will be rewritten to depict Santa Claus as a reckless homeowner who took out mortgages he couldn’t afford thereby necessitating Wells Fargo to foreclose on the North Pole. The property will be sold to oil-rich, Emirate sheiks as compensation for favorable oil prices. The sheiks will attempt to create “the Middle Eastern Las Vegas … on snow!”

• Michelle Obama’s “War on Obesity” will target Santa Claus as a textbook example of calorie intake gone awry. Santa will eventually become a self-loathing, depressed alcoholic and tragically die of a cardiac arrest while eating a double pounder moose-burger with cheese and masturbating to photos of Sarah Palin.

• Children will be taught that Frosty the Snowman no longer exists because he melted due to global warming.

• Children will be taught that John Boehner is the Grinch.

• The cause of Rudolph the Reindeer’s red nose will be revealed as a debilitating cocaine addiction. Rudolph will eventually kick his habit and go on a national “anti-drug” speaking campaign to schoolchildren reindeer. However, Rudolph still suffers from pain caused by his reckless life thereby necessitating medicinal marijuana, which he smokes nightly before going to bed. This will help pave the way for legalizing pot.

Wajahat Ali is a playwright, journalist and attorney. His play “The Domestic Crusaders” is one of the first plays about American Muslims and about to be published by McSweeney’s. He is writing a television pilot for HBO with Dave Eggers.

America’s ideological, financial and military support of Israel’s occupation is “untenable.”  It erodes international solidarity, leads to cultural isolation, and further engenders anger and mistrust among Muslim communities around the world.

Since 1967, Israel has, in violation of international law, occupied the West Bank, Gaza, East Jerusalem and the Golan Heights, all the result of its “Six-Day War” against Arab nations (a conflict launched by an Israeli preemptive strike against Egypt). Following that war, the United Nations immediately passed Security Council Resolution 242, which called for “the establishment of a just and lasting peace in the Middle East” and the “withdrawal of Israeli armed forces from territories occupied in the recent [1967] conflict.”

But today, 43 years later, nearly 500,000 Israeli settlers reside in occupied Palestine, 300,000 of them in the West Bank — all of this in direct violation of the Geneva Convention, the European Union and the United Nations.

The 4 million Palestinians who live on these lands exist in squalid, occupied environments. Desmond Tutu, one of the leading opponents of apartheid in South Africa, said Palestine “reminded me of what happened to us black people in South Africa.” He further warned, “[Israel would] never get true security and safety through oppressing another people.”

Jimmy Carter has described this as “a system of apartheid, with two peoples occupying the same land but completely separated from each other, with Israelis totally dominant and suppressing violence by depriving Palestinians of their basic human rights.”

As Israel and the United States make excuses and as the impotent international community fails to budge them, Palestinians languish without self-determination and statehood. Their daily existence is paralyzed by roadblocks, humiliating checkpoints, a non-functioning economy, extrajudicial killings, and a 403-mile wall through and around the West Bank — which effectively imprisons West Bank Palestinians while allowing Israel to further annex large swaths of Palestinian land.

Despite empathizing with the “humiliation” of the Palestinian people and condemning the settlement expansion as “illegal,” President Obama recently pledged a record-breaking $3 billion of military aid to Israel.

Citing “shared democratic values” and “shared strategic vision in the Middle East,” the U.S. has guaranteed Israel a “qualitative military dominance” over its Middle East neighbors since 1967. Israel is the largest annual recipient of direct U.S. economic and military assistance since 1976 and the largest total recipient since World War II.

The militarized occupation of Palestine is made possible by the use and abuse of U.S.-manufactured and -sold Apache helicopters, F-16 jets, missiles and tanks. U.S. Annual Foreign Military Financing (FMF) grants to Israel represent 18.2 percent of the overall Israeli Defense budget and Israel conveniently uses almost 75 percent of these funds to purchase U.S. defense equipment. In fact, Israel purchases nearly $7.2 billion in weapons and military equipment annually from the U.S. and is, unsurprisingly, the world’s largest U.S. arms importer. Not coincidentally, Israel is also largest fleet owner of F-16 jets — second only to the United States

Politically, the United States has abused its influential veto power to prevent 42 U.N. resolutions that condemned or severely criticized actions undertaken by Israel. By shielding a reckless ally that contravenes international law, the U.S. myopically sacrifices its own international reputation and security.

This pattern was evident in the summer of 2006, when Israel tried to invade southern Lebanon. Israel killed nearly 1,100 people, displaced 1 million Lebanese, and thoroughly damaged civilian infrastructure. Comparatively, 121 Israeli soldiers died in the conflict and 43 Israeli civilians were killed by Hezbollah rockets.

Deluded by self-victimization and righteous bellicosity, Israel justified its actions by noting that Hezbollah had kidnapped two Israeli soldiers and violated the international border. But those soldiers were only taken after Israel kidnapped two Gaza civilians — and after Israel had violated the same border nearly every day for the six previous years.

Ultimately, the U.N. concluded both parties breached international humanitarian law. However, the United States parroted Israel’s claims, blamed Hezbollah solely, and gave immunity to Israel for its devastating and disproportionate assault.

Furthermore, commentators who relied on the kidnapped soldiers to justify the 2006 invasion ignored Israel’s 1982 invasion of Lebanon, which left nearly 40,000 dead and led to Israel’s calamitous 18-year military presence in southern Lebanon — an occupation that helped give rise to Hezbollah.

The backdrop for this week’s humanitarian flotilla was Israel’s three-year naval blockade of Gaza, which began after Israel’s “unilateral disengagement” from the territory in 2005. Of course, Israel never really left and the blockade, which is supported by Egypt’s construction of an underground wall closing its Gaza border, has transformed one of the world’s most densely populated regions into an “open air prison” where civilians, especially children, face a horrific humanitarian crisis. “Israel’s continuing blockade of the Gaza Strip, a measure that is depriving its population of food, fuel and basic services, constitutes a form of collective punishment in violation of article 33 of the Fourth Geneva Convention,” Human Rights Watch has decreed.

Never one to be deterred by reality, Avigdor Lieberman, Israel’s hard-right foreign minister, recently reiterated “there is no humanitarian crisis in Gaza.”

Although Israel claims the blockade is necessary to minimize terrorist violence perpetrated by Hamas, many international observers suggest that Israeli policy itself exacerbates extremism and further erodes humanitarian conditions. “We’re not helping the people and isolating the extremists,” Tony Blair has said. “We’re in danger of doing it the wrong way round … I’ve been saying that for the best part of two years that this [the blockade] is a policy that doesn’t work … At the present time it’s very hard to get materials into Gaza. We need to get not just humanitarian materials but materials that can rebuild the infrastructure.”

The Gaza situation grew even worse in January 2009, when Israel broke a cease-fire agreement with Hamas and launched Operation Cast Lead, a brutal three-week bombardment that left 1,400 Palestinians and 14 Israelis dead.

An independent investigation led by respected Judge Richard Goldstone, a South African Jew and self-described Zionist, stated that both Israel and Hamas had violated international law, with the latter firing rockets near Israel’s civilian population. But the report laid much of the blame on Israel, concluding that it committed war crimes and, in some cases, crimes against humanity. The report specified that Israel employed “the application of disproportionate force and the causing of great damage and destruction to civilian property and infrastructure, and suffering to civilian populations.”

Predictably, the report was savaged by the Israeli and American governments, with the U.S. House shamefully passing a resolution denouncing the meticulous report by a 344-36 margin.  (The rest of the world isn’t nearly as gullible when it comes to Israel’s self-defense claims. In 2003, a European poll named Israel the biggest threat to world peace, and a 2008 survey found that Israel was viewed as the biggest obstacle to achieving peace in its conflict with the Palestinians. In a written memo, U.S. Gen. David Petraeus recently suggested Israel is a threat to U.S. security, citing “the enduring hostilities between Israel and some of its neighbors” as “impediments to U.S. interests in the region.” Petraeus also wrote that “Arab anger over the Palestinian question” undermines U.S. relationships with “peoples and governments in the Middle East.”

It was the blockade of Gaza that prompted this week’s humanitarian relief effort. Following Israel’s deadly raid of the flotilla — a raid in which no Israelis were killed — angry protests erupted round the world and harsh condemnations were issued by the international community. But the United States offered only a tepid, non-judgmental response, stressing its commitment to Israel’s security, while simultaneously respecting Palestinians’ “need for sustained humanitarian assistance and regular access to reconstruction materials.”

Israel has mainly rewarded our slavish loyalty by behaving like a petulant, spoiled child. Recently, Israel humiliated the United States when it boldly announced the expansion of 1,600 settlements in East Jerusalem while Vice President Joe Biden was visiting.

Perhaps it’s time the United States, the most powerful country in the world, reexamines its relationship with its “most trusted ally.” Only the United States can shake Israel from its moral hibernation. To ensure long-term security and stability for all involved parties, the U.S. must evolve from being a cuckolded Fredo to a coercive father figure who dispenses some old-school, tough love.

Otherwise, tragedies like this week’s will continue to play out — and continue to threaten both American and Middle East security.

Wajahat Ali is the author of “The Domestic Crusaders,” a play about Muslim Pakistani Americans that will be published by McSweeney’s in the Fall 2010. He blogs at Goatmilk.

Michael Patrick King’s exquisitely tone-deaf movie is cinematic Viagra for Western cultural imperialists who still ignorantly and inaccurately paint the entire Middle East (and Iran) as a Shangri La in desperate need of liberation from ignorant, backward natives. Historian Bernard Lewis, the 93-year-old Hall of Fame Orientalist and author of such nuanced gems as “The Arabs in History” and “Islam and the West,” would probably die of priapism if he saw this movie. It’s like the cinematic progeny of “Not Without My Daughter” and “Arabian Nights” with a makeover by Valentino. Forget the oppressed women of Abu Dhabi. Let’s buy more bling for the burqa!

Our four female cultural avatars, like imperialistic Barbies, milk Abu Dhabi for leisure and hedonism without making any discernible, concrete efforts to learn about her people and their daily lives. An exception is Miranda, whose IQ drops about 100 points as she dilutes the vast complexities of a diverse culture into sound bites like this: “‘Hanh Gee’ means ‘yes’ in Arabic!”

Only it doesn’t — it’s Hindi and Punjabi, which is spoken by South Asians.

She also incorrectly tells the audience that all women in the Middle East have to cover themselves. And, yes, nearly every single Middle Eastern female character in “SATC 2′s” imaginative rendition of “Abu Dhabi,” is veiled, silent or subdued by aggressive men.

Like curious visitors staring at an exotic animal in the zoo with equal doses of horror and fascination, the four “girls” observe a niqabi female eating French fries by carefully lifting her veil for each consumed fry. After witnessing this “Ripley’s Believe It or Not” event, Samantha declares, “It’s like they don’t want [women] to have a voice.”

If our cultural ambassadors truly cared about saving Muslim women, they surely would try to help them during the film’s interminable two and half hour running time, no? Sadly, instead, these incredibly shallow mock-feminists can’t even bother to have one decent conversation with a Muslim woman, because they’re too immersed in picnics on the desert and singing Arab disco karaoke renditions of “I Am Woman.” In fact, Abu Dhabi is just peachy when it’s a fantasy land where they ride around in limos and get comped an extravagantly vulgar $22,000 hotel suite. However, only when that materialism is taken away do they worry, in only the most superficial way, about sexual hypocrisy and women’s oppression.

Meanwhile, the perpetually self-absorbed Carrie finds enlightenment in the simple, wise words of her Indian manservant Gaurav, who functions as the movie’s life-changing, magical minority. And Samantha, our “Western” avatar of freedom and liberation, offers a juxtaposition to the silent, oppressed Muslim women by making immature puns like “Lawrence of my Labia” and performing fellatio on a sheesha pipe in public.

The movie uses only two broad colors to paint the Middle East: One depicting an opulent Eden for our blissfully ignorant protagonists to selfishly use as a temporary escape, and the other showing an oppressive dungeon populated by intolerant men that cannot comprehend cleavage or bare shoulders.

Consider the film’s painful climax, in which Samantha, now wearing shorts and a low-cut top, spills dozens of condoms from her purse in the middle of a crowded market. Right before the condom explosion, the Islamic call to prayer, the Adhan, is conveniently heard for no discernible reason. The angry, hairy men, overwhelmed by anger and shock, decide to abandon their daily activities and busy life to encircle Samantha and condemn her as a harlot and slut, but not before Samantha proudly holds the condoms up high and dry humps the air telling the men she uses them to have sex. Because they cannot tolerate a sassy, back-talking, condom-using female baring her legs, they decide en masse to spontaneously chase all four women. Appearing like an oasis in the desert, two mysterious women in a burqa silently nod to the four girls, who subsequently follow the women into a secret room revealing the existence of a secret book club attended by a dozen niqabi women, who disrobe to reveal their hidden designer clothes, fashionable shoes and makeup.

OK, a bubble gum approach to reality is to be expected from “SATC2.” And one could imagine a scenario in which the frothy light comedy could be used to erase mutual misunderstandings. After all, Muslim women around the world, who religiously watched the show, would love a strong, empowered Muslim female “SATC” character who could enlighten Western audiences about the complex, and at times oppressive, reality of Middle Eastern women while simultaneously rocking Ferragamos. Instead, the film exists in a wacky cultural vacuum blissfully unaware of its own arrogance and prejudices. 

Apparently, we’re meant to believe Muslim women in the Middle East are equally self-absorbed, vain and materialistic. After completely dissing the Middle East, its people, its religion and its culture, it’s “Sex and the City” that truly insults the Muslim women, by silencing them entirely.

Wajahat Ali is the author of “The Domestic Crusaders,” a play about Muslim Pakistani Americans that will be published by McSweeney’s in the Fall 2010. He blogs at Goatmilk.

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A bearded man of average height and brownish hue dismounts his distinguished, but very evil, camel and proceeds to address the distinguished evil guests in a very evil, foreign language.

Gentleman, our nefarious plots for infiltrating America and creating a “politically correct, Islamo-pandering climate” has yielded mixed results. We need a new strategy.

It seems that our initial plan of violence and intimidation has backfired. Amateurish acts of terrorism in Times Square, failed underwear bombs on airplanes, and the introduction of hummus has done little to curry the favor (Speaker nods to Pakistani Representative) of the American people to our cause.

As you know, we are at the cusp of completely taking over and Islamicizing America. What, with our 0 Muslim Justices on the Supreme Court, 0 Muslim American owners of major media corporations, 2 Muslim American congressmen with impeccable records and high popularity ratings dominating 433 non-Muslim congressmen — and now Obama as president! (Gives a knowing look to the Kenyan Representative for successfully implementing “The Kenyan Birth Agenda”)

Our influential network of covert spies even brainwashed Food Network’s Rachael Ray to wear a keffiyeh during her stint as a Dunkin Donuts-monger! We even have News Commentators imagining using falafels and loofahs to sexually harass their young producers! We’re at the precipice of creating Sharia USA!

However, we need a game changer.

After spending considerable amounts of money and time performing sophisticated research on Google and sifting through countless pages of pornography (for research purposes only), we have discovered the American people do not cower when confronted with terrorism. Also, many are not inspired by complex discussions on foreign policy, and most are not motivated by intellectual debates concerning global affairs.

However, our research has conclusively shown that all Americans respond positively to one thing: hotness.

The point is, gentleman, that hotness, for lack of a better word, is good. Hotness is right, hotness works. Hotness clarifies, cuts through, and captures the essence of the evolutionary, Islamo-fascism spirit. Hotness, in all of its forms has marked the upward surge of mankind. And hotness, you mark my words, will not only save our “Muslim Agenda,” but also that other malfunctioning corporation called the USA. Thank you very much.

Brief smattering of applause.

I point as Exhibit A this sexy, hot and nude centerfold from Cosmopolitan’s 1982 “America’s Sexiest Man” issue. This red-blooded, all-American hunk is now a full-time Republican senator. Need I say more?

Everyone claps. Moroccan representative looks around scared and asks, ”But how will we use Hotness?”

We will infiltrate and capture America’s attention by hijacking one of their most prized institutions: the Miss USA Beauty Pageant.

Audible sounds of shock.

We have already commenced the production of modern-day “fembots” in a Southern Lebanon Factory funded by Iranian scientists.

Our prototype “fembot” that was originally sent to Wasilla, Alaska, suffered from severe malfunctions that made her preoccupied with moose hunting. Subsequently, she went “rogue.” Nonetheless, she achieved her “divide and conquer” objective and tested our hypothesis: that many Americans would listen to the simplistic rantings of a hot, brunette, former beauty pageant winner with great legs and really white teeth. They will even give her millions for a biography written by someone else. She did a great job in helping our Manchurian candidate, Obama, win the office.

Gentleman, it is time for us to evolve. Judging from America’s newfound obsession with color and globalization, our next “fembot” will be … Arab-American!

There is uproar, commotion and excitement. North Korean representative faints.

She will be a sleeper agent during her youth living comfortably in the Middle East. During her teens, she will be sent to infiltrate the USA. She will be “activated” in her early 20s right as she achieves peak, maximum hotness.

She will create confusion and disunity among the American masses with her excellent English, perfect nose, and assimilation into Western culture, but also throw them off-guard with her multisyllabic last name, dark features and Arab roots.

“Can we please make her blond?” asks the Jordanian leader.

No! Conclusive research has shown that for the first time in American history blond-haired, blue-eyed women are marginalized and unpopular. Just look at how the mainstream media oppressed last year’s runner-up, Miss California Carrie Prejean, who spoke out against gay marriage and suffered painfully with a lucrative settlement and a book deal!

Moreover, this is the perfect opportunity to hijack “hotness” from white blond women with Christian backgrounds and radicalize it with a brown face.

“Can we hug the beauty pageant?”

Pakistan, we already warned you once! You recall the embarrassment when you tried to hug our first fembot?

Pakistani Ambassador makes a frowny face and twirls his mustache.

Now, we had to choose a country of origin in the Middle East for our fembot, and although all the Arab countries’ bids were seriously considered, we’ve decided to go with … Lebanon!

Syrian, Jordanian and Egyptian ambassadors stage a protest. Syrian ambassador begins invading and taking over Lebanese rep’s chair, but stops.

We’ve decided upon Lebanon after careful research. The popular TV show “Monk” stars Tony Shalhoub, a three-time Emmy winner, who is Lebanese American. Old white people love “Monk” and his quirky, obsessive-compulsive brilliance. Tiffany, the ’80s pop starlet, and nostalgic icon for middle-aged baby boomers, is also Lebanese American. And, finally, three extremely HOT women who exemplify ridiculously good-looking hotness are part-Lebanese: Salma Hayek, Shakira and “American Pie’s” Shannon Elizabeth!

We’ve decided in order to successfully infiltrate and destroy the enemy, one must become like the enemy. Our fembot must be able to pass as a liberated, proud Western woman confident and unafraid of her feminine sexuality, but also unwilling to be sexually exploited by men. In order to accomplish this herculean task, she has to master the most intimidating and fearsome obstacle course … the stripper pole.

Yes, the stripper pole, that symbol of female empowerment, must be thoroughly mastered by our fembot. However, we cannot lower our moral standards, so we’ll make sure she does it fully clothed — this will avoid the Vanessa Williams Playboy scandal from the ’80s and oppressed Carrie Prejean nude photo scandal from 2009.

Preferably, our fembot will have to win an amateur pole-dancing competition thrown by a juvenile radio station. Photos of this event will have to eventually resurface on a tawdry online entertainment magazine. This is our double-edged sword strategy. Even if our fembot loses the Miss USA competition, she can have a successful and influential career on television by leaking photos on the Internet and becoming a celebrity overnight for no substantive reason aside from gullibility, shamelessness and YouTube. She can infiltrate American youth by Islamicizing the masses through her own reality show, which will inevitably be given to her by E!

In order to upgrade our fembot, we are seeking uranium-enhanced breast implants, nuclear explosive nipples and yellowcake-padded buttocks. Unfortunately, we were unable to secure the necessary materials, so instead we settled on 6-inch stiletto heels and thongs.

However, we can’t leave anything to chance! We must ensure success, and to do so, we must align ourselves with our secret operatives who will rig the Miss USA pageant in our favor. That’s right — Mexican Americans and illegal immigrants.

We must court power and influence, and no one is more powerful than the dominant illegal immigrant workforce that holds a near monopoly on the thriving and lucrative “field labor” sector of American economy. Indeed, our evidence shows the depths of their immense power and their sly, subversive strategic plotting. They are so shrewd — having taken over America — that they rigged Arizona to create a draconian law that would effectively racially profile them, require them to carry identification at all times, and essentially criminalize their entire existence. They’ve even banned the study of their own ethnicity and history in some Arizona state schools! Now, that’s lateral thinking! And we should give our due respect and props.

If they can rig a state, they can definitely handle a beauty pageant. We will plant a Mexican American judge, preferably an actor on a popular comedy show, who will knock out our closest competition — a very blond, very white and very “real American” — by asking a controversial but relevant question about oppressive state laws demonizing immigrants. Our evidence suggests she will answer in favor of Arizona and states’ rights, thereby ensuring the liberal media, another agent in our employment, will unleash the p.c. police and further oppress the white Christian minority by silencing their voice and mocking their opinion.

Malaysian ambassador gets up to ask a question. “This is all fine and dandy, but don’t you think the surprising frequency of Muslims winning beauty pageant will make some commentators suspect “an odd form of affirmative action.” I mean we’re talking about six Muslim women around the world — including our fembot, God willing — in the past five years!

Malaysia, please, no one could possibly be that dumb.

As the archaic and fossilized vestige of blond, Western decadence succumbs to her political incorrectness and dooms herself, our glorious fembot meanwhile shall rise! She will simultaneously support our president’s socialist agenda as well as plant suggestive, subconscious propaganda in the minds of “real” Americans to stop them from breeding, thereby giving us yet another advantage toward Islamicizing the West!

When asked whether contraceptives should be covered by health insurance, fembot will confidently say yes and assert, “I believe that birth control is just like every other medication even though it’s a controlled substance.”

When she wins the crown and is asked how she feels, we will remind America that our fembot has assimilated and is “one of them” by programming her to feign nervousness and sincerity when she cryptically answers, “Ask me after I had pizza.” However, we all know she secretly wants tabouleh, baba ghanoush and biryani! Ha ha ha!

Everyone laughs. Even North Korea.

And what shall we do on that glorious night that commences our successful infiltration and domination of America with our globalized Muslim, Islamo-pandering agenda? We shall celebrate and laugh at them “from within Dearbornistan’s Hezbollah restaurant, La Pita, where [our] workers [will] openly sing Hezbollah war songs and anti-Semitic ‘ditties’ in the kitchen …where falafel, and hummus, and hate [are] all on the menu.”

Iran asks the final question. ”But what will we name our Femme Bot?”

She will be named Rima Fakih. And she will be our great Fak-you to all the haters.

Wajahat Ali is the author of “The Domestic Crusaders,” a play about Muslim Pakistani Americans that will be published by McSweeney’s in the Fall 2010. He blogs at Goatmilk.